“The torch of doubt and chaos, this is what the sage steers by” – Chuang tzu

This person I care about deeply has a problem, she lives her life by a plan. I know a lot of women that do this, and I start to wonder if this is a woman issue, or maybe the men that have this issue are hiding from me. Now I admire a person who makes a plan and sticks to it. The problem with this woman, and so many others I know is this when the plan does not come about as planned they get upset, emotionally and sometimes physically as well. This weekend I confronted the person about this issue, and she started to tearing up…

Once while bouncing I was the only bouncer on duty, it was nickel draft night, about 30 guys and 2 girls at the bar. A bar brawl breaks out the kind you only see in westerns. As I try to pull one guy off another, while trying to fend off blows from a sundry of other dudes, I feel a large “THUNK” on my head. I keep going and the police finally arrive. Later I am sitting at the bar, having a after shift drink, a waitress comes up to me and says “Oh my god are you ok?”. I’m like, “yeah, why?” She replied, ” You got hit with a metal stool over your head”. I was thankful it wasn’t a bottle.

The point with that story is I would rather get hit with a hundred stools, then deal with a woman crying. I really don’t know what to do, it’s like kryptonite for me. So I did a silly dance, made a fool of myself and got her to laugh.

I am the total opposite of these people that like to plan, but I know how they feel. Once in my life my demons that I battle daily got the best of me, my life was complete chaos. I didn’t even know where I was going to get money for my next meal, let alone have a plan, or a to do list. What came to my rescue is Zen Buddism, among other things. Now I am no practitioner, I do not sit in my robes and chant all day. I did take stock in it’s teachings and try to learn something. One of the principles is  “The only thing we can control in this universe is ourselves”. This was and still is my mantra. I can not control other people, I can not control other things, I can not control the outcome of certain life decisions. The only thing I can control is myself in this moment. Do I turn left or right, once I make that decision the rest is up to the universe.

Learn more about Zen,

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Zen

 I will leave you with my favorite quote from the book Of Mice and Men -” The best laid plans of Mice and Men often go awry”

Pay heed to the words the lie within…..

I wanted to give you a little insight why I named my blog thus.

“Chaotic Ramblings”- I will be spewing forth thoughts, and things with no rhyme nor reason, but there may be method to my madness. 

“An Esoteric Fool” – That’s me, well esoteric means understandable to only a select few, and well sometimes I play the fool role all to well.

“My insanity, our world “- Well I am insane, and I would like to to share my brand of insanity with you, i pray you share yours with me. It is our world, we all live here.

Reminds me of the movie “Fast Times at Ridgemont High”,  when Spicoli, a young Sean Penn, says “If I’m here, and your here, isn’t it our time”

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0083929/quotes

“If you tell the truth you don’t have to remember anything” – Mark Twain

Honesty…. I was thinking about this today. How many of us are honest. Not only to others, but to ourselves. We tell little white lies to protect the innocent. We might steal a few jelly beans from the bin at the store. We tell ourselves we aren’t hurting anyone whats the big deal.I think dishonesty is like drugs, you have your gateway drugs like alchohol, and weed. Then you got your big ones like heroin, and cocaine. When you start being dishonest it gives you practice for the real big things like say cheating on a test, or even worse your wife. I endeavor to be honest in all my dealings, and behavior. Well you say should I tell someone they look like shit, no being honest does not mean being an asshole. Also being honest frees you from having to keep track of all your lies. I don’t know how some people do that. 

The hardest part for me is to be honest with myself. I have to know when I am deluding myself, like when I get drunk I may tell myself “I’m just blowing off steam”, or “I’m just having a good time”. How does one work on being honest with themselves?

 Here’s wikipedia’s take on honesty…

 http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Honesty

A religous take on honesty…

http://parentalguide.com/Documents/Bible_Studies/Honesty.htm