The Whiskey ain’t workin.

I’m not a HUGE country fan, but I do like some songs. One of them is the “Whiskey Ain’t Workin” by Travis Tritt which I was listening to this morning.  It kind of speaks to me.

“They knew my name at every bar in town
And they knew all of the reasons why I was coming round, round, round
‘Cause in my mind peace I’d find when they’d start to pour
But now the whiskey ain’t workin’ anymore”

I’ll tell you one thing, the whiskey isn’t workin anymore.

I’m glad I’m not a chick.

So there’s some girlie drama happening in my office, and I said to one of the girls whose side I’m kinda on…cause well she’s kinda hot. I said, “Sometimes you girls amaze me.” She replied, “Aren’t you glad your not a chick?”  My response was, ” I wake up every morning, grab my penis, and say thank you God.” 

Then I got to thinking, in these recessional times we live in. It’s alot more expensive to be a girl. You got your makeup, your hair products, your tampons, your shoe and clothes obsessions. We guys are pretty much wash and wear, maybe thats why we have to pay for dinner, and drinks at bars. All the girls money is going for them to look good for us. least we can do is shell out a few ducketts for dinner.

Don’t get me started on the whole bleeding once a month thing.  All I gotta do is avoid cold pools of water, and I’m all good.

Diary of a Bouncer – Kid Rock’s Ass

When I was bouncing  at a Bar called the Blue Iguana, after a few months I began to know the customers. They were a friendly lot. So I use to turn a blind eye to some of the antics, because sometimes ya got to let them play and have some fun. Bouncing was customer service, so you had to straddle a line to try to keep things fun, from make sure no hurts others, themselves, or fricking destroy the bar.

One charector was a guy who we call Kid Rock, because he looks a little like Kid Rock (though I say he looks more like Micheal Bolton). I remember this night, for it was one of those rare nights that the energy was just good, everyone was in a good mood.  It was going to be an easy night for the bouncers.  As the night wore on I could see Kid getting more and more drunk. I said to myself he’s going to do something stupid, not in a bad way, but in a funny, “oh crap, remember that shit” kind of way.

So I was at my spot, just watching the patrons get drunk, listening to the music, then all of a sudden I look to my right towards the pool table. There’s Kid Rock with his pants to his ankles, butt naked, with a plunger in his hand. He then commences to play pool with the plunger while naked. I started laughing so hard, I was afraid I was going to piss my pants.  I guess I should do my duty, I told him to pull up his pants.

Now normally that would be the end of the story, funny little tale. Nope it ain’t. So the next Monday morning I get a call from the owner to come in to discuss something. I knew this can’t be good. So I go in, the owner says, “Sit down, River.”  I go, “Whats up boss?”  The owner then starts to read from this report, “Man, wearing a bandanna, comes out of the bathroom, naked with a plunger it hand….” After about a few minutes of describing things the report ended, “The bouncers did some to care that the man was naked…and failed to react to the situation.” It was one of the hardest things for me to keep a straight face, and not to laugh.

Well it seems a Secret Shopper was in that night, and reported everything. Even though I was not named in the report, I was in charge of security at the time, so the responsibility fell on me. I told the owner that I was on the other side of the bar dealing with another situation, and that once I saw what was happening, I corrected the problem. Well after a good half hour of lecturing, I walked out of there laughing my ass off. 

I still hang out with Kid, and from time to time he feels the need to show everyone his ass. I got to say though he’s not the guy who’s ass I seen the most, that spot is taken by White Chocolate, who’s ass I seen more then any other guy on this planet. Which is wrong, but he’s also my cousin, which is really wrong.  Though if Kid doesn’t watch it, he may overtake my cousin for that coveted position.

Diary of a Bouncer – How I met my best friend.

I told this story a few times, thought I would share it with everyone. When I started the Blue Iguana in the spring of 2002, it was my return to bouncing after a somewhat of a hiatus.  When I first gave it up I thought I would never return. Funny how life works out sometime.  So on my second day on the job, a man comes in I’ll call him Jackass.  He really gets hammered. Jackass is a good guy, but when he gets drunk, he gets a little to overfriendly, and that might lead to misunderstanding.

Like with me, so Jackass gets drunk, and he tries to get up on the bar to dance.  Of course for his own safety, I try to get him down. So he practically jumps on me.  So I let it go, then he tries to do it again.  This time I’m getting angry. I go, “Yo dude, get the fuck off of there.”  He gives me this laugh, “Sorry dude, sorry, I’m just kidding”   The whole night was like this, him trying to climb on the bar, and me trying to stop him.  Then the last straw came, I was standing by the bar watching the crowd, then I notice Jackass doing something, and people gathered around him. He rips his underwear to shreds, with his pants still on. Then he tosses the shreds. Well one of the shreds landed right on my head.  That was it…..I grab him, and start dragging him out. The bartenders were screaming at me saying that he was ok, and a regular. The owner said he can stay. So I let go of him. I wasn’t too happy at that. So I built up this little hatred for Jackass, cause everytime he came in I had to babysit.

After months of babysitting, the guy turned out to be ok. Sure he did some stupid shit, that’s why we called him Jackass.  One night it was slow winter night at the Blue Iguana, a few months after I first met Jackass. The bar was closing early, Jackass asked me, “Hey you want to go snowmobiling at my house with me and a bunch of people.”  I thought to myself, ” Well this guy is harmless, and I never been snowmobiling”  So I agreed to tag along.  Glad I did, I had some fun, got to snowmobile, and got to drag Jackass behind the Snowmobile with a rope.

After that night, I hung out with Jackass more and more, until today which I got to say he’s one of my best friends. I just think back at the time I got laid off from Governors State University, which back then I thought was the worst time of my life. If that didn’t happen, I wouldn’t of went back to bouncing, and I wouldn’t of met Jackass.  So maybe it’s true what they say perhaps things do happen for reasons, and there is always some good in bad things.

Monday Hangover

You know it was a good weekend when you don’t have a voice on Monday. So Friday I started the night going to Beggars Pizza because Jackass wanted to say hi to someone. Lo and behold I ran into my Aunt. It was a very nice surprise. I always like running into my relatives unexpectedly it’s just kind of cool. The we headed to  my friend’s “Bye-Bye Uterus party” with one of my favorite band Rendition. she getting an hysterectomy, and will be out of commission for a few months.  Did I have a good time?  Lets just say there was some gapping holes in my memory.  I think everyone was in rare form, we got the pictures to prove it. I don’t remember buying shots, but I came out with 200 bucks, I was broke by the end of the night. I hope I got my friend who was tossing the party a shot or two.  Really bottom line, I just hope she had a good time. She’s not going to be around the bars for a couple of months, she will be missed. Who’s boobs am I going to lick now??  Wonder what Robin’s going to do next Saturday HAHA! Crashed at Jackass’s crib, and watched Stepbrothers again. I love that movie.

I went to bed at 6:00 am ish, woke up at 9:30am. It was my Grandma’s 88th Bday, and I promised to stop by and visit. I did just that. After which I went to my mom’s to help with the groceries. From there I went to fix a friend’s computer, and help her son figure out Itunes, which I had no clue until that day how to use. But I got the skillz to pay the billz. I picked it up fast.

At this point I was starting to wind down from the lack of sleep, so I started pounding the 5- hour energy shots like they were going out of style. I headed back out Saturday night, I started off at Coopershawk which is a restaurant and winery. It was my friends 40th bday, and I ordered a nice steak. Her Boyfriend picked up the tab for all 9 of us. I was upset. Well mainly because I didn’t know if I had to blow him or not, it was fricking steak. I bought everyone a few rounds of jager bombs.  One of the Jenny’s I hang out with a couple weeks a go called me a insensitive asshole, we since cleared things up. This week though she said she didn’t want to talk to me when she was drunk, because she gets in trouble. Well I don’t know if it was the Irish Car Bomb, or the Cherry Bombs. It seems like she changed her mind on that, she followed me around. It’s funny though when she gets drunk, she mentions some really goofy stuff.  She always says I’m smothering her, which I find this odd, because half the time it’s her following me around like a puppy dog. Not that I mind her doing so, it’s just I find women really funny in their actions. They always say something, and want something else. That’s a topic for another time though. I do give her credit though she tried to do a large Irish Car bomb like I always do. Of course she couldn’t chug that, but I give her an A for effort. So the night wears on, and I end up at Olympic Star, and it was the Men vs Women there. The girls were sitting at one table, and the men at the other. We were all picking on one Jenny I know who has a communication problem. She doesn’t call no one back ever, alot of us know here Voicemail more then we know her. So we ganged up on her, and made fun of her a bit. A little odd thing about that night, The deaf girl from my earlier tales was there with her boyfriend, my friend. She actually talked to me kind of out of the blue. She asked me my favorite band, and I thought that was odd. I told her my favorite music was Frank Sinatra. Which is the truth, The Summer Wind is my theme song almost. Anyway she called me a romantic, maybe I’ll have to reassess her deaf whore status.

Sunday I spent some time with some Jenny’s i know over coffee and doughnuts. I allowed them to man-bash a little. I thought it’s funny, that it’s their selection of men that’s the shitty thing. There is good men out there, but your not going to find them at Kickoffs at 5am.

Then I had dinner with my family, which was nice. Always enjoy my time with my father. Even though he drives me crazy, and once I almost choked him for trying to restore his own computer, I love him very much.

No Man by Christopher Cavelle

My future is not sealed,

My destiny not written in stone.

Forcing the hand of fate,

Shadowed paths walked alone.

Blood, Sweat, and Tears.

On the ground, I have spilled all three.

A life filled with pain.

I’m looking for my glory.

Born into the world with nothing.

Everything I got with my own Hand.

I will bow my head to no God,

I will bend my knee to no Man.

* Author’s Notes – As some of you may know, I like poetry reading and writing. This is something I am currently working on, I thought I would share it. For one of my poems are never truly done. I revisit my work constantly.
I got this idea, I have a friend…Jenny she is really into astrology, and I thought to myself, I will make my own destiny, and no star, no man, no god will stop me from my dreams and goals.

Wanted Man

Yea I know 2 posts one day, Insane….but I find this humorous. So I get a call from New York, from the Tollway Administration, and I’m thinking that’s wierd. Illinois outsourcing to New York or something. Nope it’s New Yorks Tollway Admin. It seems in  November 2006, I used an EZPASS thats in the rental car. They tried to charge an old credit card, but it didn’t take. I was like, ”Oh crap, now how much do I owe, thinking it’s 40-60 dollars at the least” 

9 dollars, They wasted man hours, and paperwork to track me down to Illinois, for 9 fricking dollars. Probably wasted hundreds of dollars in man hours to track me down. A great colossol waste.

I was going to raise a stink, but fuck it,  here’s your 9 bucks  you guys need it that bad.

Why do we need a stimulus package again?

Automobiles, and Anal Sex.

Being in computers I have a rare ability to show people how stupid they are sometimes.  For instance a user was hounding me to install a program on their computer. When I finally got around to it, it was already installed, and I showed the user the error of their ways.  I get this smug tone, and become a tosh bit of a jerk. It’s the I.T way of doing things.

Well Karma, she is a bitch. Yesterday on my way to class my car started sputtering and engine light came on. I just changed the plugs, and wires, as you remember I did the wires myself.  So I open the hood looked at the wires, they looked fine from what I saw. So I was like I’m fucked, it wasn’t the spark plugs Pepboys was right, I should of got a diagnostic.  I usually hate burdening other people, I’m actually loathe to the idea. In this case though I felt I had to swallow the pride, and call in a mechanic friend.  He’s a good guy, he came over. Looked at it, and in two seconds said, “Heres your problem”  A spark plug wire popped of the Distributer cap, I think it’s called.  Well I was so worried about the engine side, I forgot to really check the other end.  I felt dumb as hell, I made sure my friend was compensated, because if anyone knows how it feels to do people favors and not be compensated it’s me.

On another note, a Jenny friend started a conversation with me about anal sex, she likened it to turkey. “Once or twice a year is ok”.  Thanksgiving has always been one of my favorite holidays, now this just adds one more reason.  It also brings a whole new meaning to stuffing.

Pepboys can suck it!!

So I was having spark plug trouble. I think the technical terms are it was puttering. Well my car is a Ford Focus, spark plugs arent that hard to do, but I don’t have the tools to work on them, and I wasnted it handled right away so I went to Pepboys to do it. 100 bucks to change 4 spark plugs.  So my time is money, plus by the time I got the tools it would be 30 bucks anyway.

The service guy said one of my wires were arcing too, in laymans terms, I needed new wires as well. I asked him so how much for that, he said 50 bucks for the wires, and 50 for labor. I was like….WHHHAAAA?  I don’t need tools for that, I’ll do that crap myself. So I went to the parts counter, the wires they had were 25 for cheap set, and 35 for more expensive. Wait they just told me the wires were 50, sons of a….

Well Pepboys lost some business trying to screw me, I ain’t ever going there again. Those Douchebags.

By the way I changed the wires, and the car is running pretty smooth.

Did You Know?

That the average person produces approximately half a liter of fart gas per day? This gas is typically distributed over an average of 14 daily farts. Everyone is farting around 14 times a day, yet I never hear any of them. So, where do you go to hide your 14 farts? Do you take special precautions, like smell desensitization stuff, do you blame it on the dog, do you go outside?