Rock out with my c**k out!

Ya know what I was thinking this morning while I was working out, I’ve been an insufferable bastard as of late. Why? Oh I can give you a thousand excuses. It boils down to one thing, no matter how good, or how much I have in my life, I am never content. Never just happy with what I have, I always crave more. I hunger for a better life, not just for me, but for my family and friends. The problem is I don’t know how to get there, so I get frustrated. I look around and see an glass half empty, not full.  I use things to escape my life whether be it alchohol, or video games. These aren’t the problems, and I am quick to point at them saying they are.

It comes in waves, every couple years. Sometimes I destroy my life, so that I may rebuild. Sometimes I just become onary, and muscle through the feelings.  It’s hard to explain this phenomomona, it’s part of why I gambled. I want it all, but I don’t mind risking it all.  Sometimes when I risk it all, and I lose. It’s hard to pick myself up. 

When I have challenges to meet, like a new job, new place to live, I am more content, or at least distracted. When I have reached the top of my game at a job, or I grow too settled in somewhere, that when the malcontentness starts to creep in, and I start looking for ways to change things up, like writing, going to school. Something to kickstart my interest, something to savor.

This is my curse, this is my blessing as well. Because without this feeling I wouldn’t of got my B.S. in Computer Science, I wouldn’t be working for a wonderful company, I wouldn’t be alive.

I’m just rambling on about stuff, getting some things off my chest, I said I was going to quit drinking, that probably ain’t going to happen. I said I was going to write a book, I have more pressing concerns right now. I need to take my Microsoft Certs, I need to dedicate myself to that this summer. The book will always be there.  In my search for something “different”, I sometimes fail to realize what “is”. The “is” my job might not be here next year, I must prepare myself.

I would also like to apologize to a Jenny, last night she texted me about some Reverse bar crawl for her bday, I was in class feeling a little brain fried. I don’t really like organized events, like bar crawls. Though I do one myself almost every weekend. It’s just fun shouldn’t be planned, it should just sorta happen. I kinda wasn’t awfully nice. I’ll meet her out at a bar for her bday, but i ain’t doing no bar crawl.

Well it’s the weekend, and a friend is having a party tonight, so I’m gonna hang out with my wang out, rock out with me c*ck out!.

Natasha Richardson is dead? So What!

Alot of people die, alot of people die tragic deaths. Is she worth more than the Grandma that sliped and died, or the son that got hit by a drunk driver. No she is not. Is she worth more because she was famous, No she is not.

It’s not that I don’t care about her, I don’t know her. Just because she played someone on TV, doesn’t mean I know her. She could kick puppies for all I know. A simple blurb in the News was all that needed, not a media blitz. The one thing I care about, the one thing I hope people take away from all the stupid media coverage is, that no matter how far we rise, or how low we fall, whether we are the richest man on Earth, or the poorest. We all must face our death, it’s the one true thing that binds us.

That’s why all men are created equal, because we all must die.

Quirks of Fate.

I took the day off yesterday, cause I was “sick”. I decided to join some friends from work for lunch, at a place I usually don’t go to. When I got there I saw my old bosses from Governors State University. My mentors, and it was wierd. I haven’t seen these guys in years.  If I didn’t take off, if I didn’t decide to go to lunch, if I didn’t show up when I did, I would of missed them. Who knows not seen them for a few more years, or never again.  Sometimes I find the quirks of fate amazing.

Monday Hangover.

Well this weekend was a feat of endurance, beyond any mortal man’ ability….but I am no normal mortal man.  Friday went out, did the usual  JWH > Teehans > Durbins tour. I was flying solo, but I met up with some people I knew. Like a Bob I haven’t seen in awhile. Good guy bought me a few beers. I got a little tipsy, but not out of control. Went to the Olympic Star, and had breakfast with a couple Jenny’s I know.

Saturday, Started off going to a new bar in Tinley called Baileys, saw a good friend The Worm there. Always nice to see him, and his wife. Good people. Little sour at Baileys we asked the bartender to send over two shots of Water for the Worm as a joke, they wouldn’t do it. Barstaff that isn’t will to joke around with the customers is not really a bar I want to hang out at.  Then we stopped at Durbins for one, talked with staff there a little.  Welp thats when the sober stuff stopped. I then went to JWH for my good friends Birthday, it was 25 dollars all you can drink,  and let me tell you.  I drank ALL I could.  There was some dancing involved I think at one point of the night. I don’t really remember too much, did I go to Teehans, I think I did. Did I go to Durbins, I’m pretty sure I did.

Sunday was the South Side Irish Parade, so after a solid 2-3 hours of sleep, I was up and at it again, drinking Whiskey, and doing shots. Me and Jackass went to Kmart saw a shirt, I “clover symbol” Irish Boys. Well Jackass says, I’ll buy it, if you wear it. Shit no shame to my game, I said sure. So I did. We then went to the parade, where I drank ALOT. Vodka, Whiskey, Beer. Little bit of a blur, some highlights for you though. I got several chicks email addresses, I fell down hit a guard rail, several road rash spots on my body, I shotgun a bunch of beers with absolute strangers, at one point I had the shirt on with a large pimp green hat, all these girls honking, and hollering at me.

I finally tuckered out around 9pm, and woke up like the living dead today.

Big Willy

Isn’t Chicago penis oriented enough with a large phallic building named the Hancock, now we got The Big Willy

So the Sears Tower is now Willis Tower, I’m a little split on this. On one end, it’s just a name. A rose is still a rose. On the other hand it’s our common history as Chicagoans. It’s being sold off chunk by chunk. Comiskey is now U.S. Cellular, and Sear is now Willis. A british company to boot. Lets make some huge amount money, buy a landmark, and slap our name on it. The ultimate exercise in Vanity. What’s next, Taco Bell going to buy the Liberty Bell. Perhaps Victoria Secrets will buy the Statue of Liberty, and put a giant bra on it.

I like change, I embrass it when it’s needed. This seems silly, stupid, and vain.  I can’t wait when I have kids..Hey kid that over there is the HanCOCK, and over there is The Big Willy. That building over there  kids, is very envious.

The book

A friend of mine said I should start off with a novel, and maybe if it fits the story put some of my poems into it, instead of trying to write a book of poetry, publishing that, and selling it.  It makes sense from a marketing, and logistical sense. Poetry in this day and age is hard to sell, and is almost a dead artform.

With me it’s not about the fame or money, I just want a book out there published whether its self-published or not, to say hey I was here on this planet. To have something out there saying there was once a man named Christopher Cavelle, and he liked poetry enough to write a book.

“For a taste of your whiskey, I’ll give you some advice”

One of  the songs that sums up my life the most is probably the Gambler from Kenny Rogers, “Got to know when to hold’em, got to know when to fold’em, know when to walk away, know when to run.”

 For the longest time, I was a gambler, still am one sorta. I toss things on the table of chance, my money, my love, my life. Sometimes I win, sometimes I lose. But thats my life, the roll of the dice, the flip of the card. Sure it’s a rough way to live, you never know what tomorrow will bring. People like comfort, they abhor change. I embrace change, I dwell in it. 

I want to remind people I use this blog to purge some of the bad stuff, to toss away some cards so to speak. Though I might write some bad stuff doesn’t mean I’m sitting at home plotting to climb a bell tower, or sitting at a park bench with a gun to my head.

No just tossing out some random thought running through my head, some bad, some good, some totally insane.

Yesterday, I dealt with some personal stuff. Got it out of my system. Got on with my life.

Deal the Cards…Let’s play.

I don’t know how to love.

That’s the last words my friend spoke to me, well that and Fuck you asshole. She may have a point.

The first words uttered to me by my doctor when I was born was, “Geez, look at this monster” My poor mother behind the curtain thought she gave birth to a three-armed mutant. I was big, I didn’t even fit on the baby scale.

I’ve been big all my life. My fate was handed to me. Everywhere when I was even a baby they called me a monster. Then as I grew into middle school. I became that monster everyone wanted.  Someone started with me, I finished it. I gave no mercy, nor did I recieve any. Then High School came, and I got into sports. Football, Wrestling, and Track. I excelled at what I did, I got an award for most improved player in Football. I worked out constantly, breaking records in the weight room. I was a monster, but I was happy. For I knew my place in life. I knew where I belonged. When I walked out on that field under the lights with the crowd cheering. I was home.  While other teenagers were out exploring there love for one another. I had but one love, the battlefield.  She was my mistress.

Well as time passed, and old warriors were put to pasture. I don’t think I ever quite learned how to love. I was born in the wrong time. In cavemen era, all a caveman had to do to prove his love was to slay a mammoth, or when the knight needed to impress his lady love all he had to do was slay a dragon.

Alas there are no mammoths to kill, or dragons to slay.

Monday Hangover

Ok..Ok…I told people I’m going to stop drinking. I will, after St. Patty’s Day.  It’s also my friends birthday next Saturday, so I can’t quit drinking just yet.

Plus this Saturday was a benefit for Breast Cancer Awareness. I was drinking for a good cause.  All you can drink beer, yeah I drank all I could.  Now Saturday was interesting for the simple fact alot of people I haven’t seen were out.  Like Gus my High School buddy, and The German who comes outside less then Pawtucket Pete the Groundhog. 

Now here’s the thing, I have alot of friends. Some male, some female, and once in awhile they hook up. Though I hate it when their together cause if one of them fucks up, guess who hears about it. It also sucks is because when they break up, I generally run the chance of losing some friends. Well this Jenny has dated pretty much everyone on my phone list. She’s a good girl though, and I remain friends with her, when she asked to come out. I didn’t really think about it too much. Well Gus dated the Jenny, and his girlfriend was with him Saturday, and my friend Jackass dated her too, and guess what Jackass had several ex-girlfriends up at the bars Saturday.

They were both sweating, hoping no drama would happen. None did, but I did get perverse pleasure in seeing them uncomfortable.  Like watching a car wreck in Nascar. It’s a morbid sort of thing. Unlike Nascar fans though I don’t wish harm on anyone, but don’t get me started on that group of closet sociopaths.

Went to Teehans for the usual Irish Car Bomb. My good  friends Bob, Jackass, and a Jenny went with us. Now I usually get a Large Pint sized Car Bomb, it’s how I roll. Jenny’s birthday, so she wanted to do one with me as well. She did the Pint one, I was impressed.  Bob went with us too, Bob is a good guy, hard worker, and devoted to his family. He’s going through a little bit of rough time, so  it does my heart good to see him enjoy himself.  As for Jackass, well he’s a Jackass.

So yea I drank too much, and I’m sure I said, and did some inappropriate things. I usually go through my text/outgoing phone calls, and I make sure nothing was too bad. If it was I make sure I send an apology.  There’s one girl that hangs out with us that intrigues the hell out of me. She doesn’t say much at all. It’s not nosy or anything, I’m just curious how a girl like that hangs out with our crew of miscreants.  The thing is I texted this girls friend, asking how I get a date with this girl.  God I should have someone take away my cell phone.

I passed out at my friends house watching Stepbrothers, which is an awesome movie. woke up 3 hours later went to work.

There’s a girl out there that I had to say goodbye to on Sunday. I’ll get into that tomorrow.  But her last words to me were “You don’t know how to love, fuck off asshole.”

Sad thing is I think she may be right, on both counts.

I have been asked to turn in my nerd badge.

I don’t know who the Watchmen are, nor do I really care.

 

Nerds, and Geeks have surrounded my computer room with torches, and pitchforks.