I told you I was insane, now it’s time to share a little bit of that insanity. When you get angry, you might lose some control, when I get angry…real angry I turn into a Monster. You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry.
When I was born the doctor declared, “Look at that Monster!” My Mom thought I was a mutant. It’s a theme that would follow me for all my life. My earliest memories of when people would say, “Look at the paws on this kid, he’s going to be a monster.” I was the biggest kid in my school all the way up to High School, which I was pretty much in the top 5 of the biggest kids in school.
They wanted a Monster, I will give them one. I remember the exact moment I let the Monster out. I was in 4th grade, a 6th grade bully was picking on me. I flipped out, I grabbed him by the throat, shoved him against the wall. I remember just choking him, and him begging me to stop. A teacher pulled me off of him, and I later had to apologize. I wasn’t sorry though.
I never was a bully, but when pushed enough I would let the Monster go. It’s alot like the Hulk is, Savage, and Animalistic. I am not in full control when it is upon me. No I don’t turn green, and gain superhuman strength. I have taken steel chairs, cue sticks, and assorted other things upside my head without a mere flinch. I know I am not the strongest person, but what I lack in strength I make up in craziness. It’s the savagery that wins out, most people are worried about something. I do not care about my personal welfare when the Monster is upon me. So that usually wins the day.
In Football, I was in my element, I would let the hate consume me. I remember an opposing team member was on the ground, instead of helping him up, I spit on him, and said “Stay down, Mother Fucker” That hat led me to an “Most Improved Player” Award, as well as a bunch more accolades.
After that the outlet for the Monster was bouncing. I remember one time, while bouncing I was beating the crap out of a guy, the one with the cuestick that hit me, his blood was splattering all over me from hitting him, and I was laughing, and enjoying it. By the time I was done with him, he was a crying, bloody mess, and the cops then hauled him off.
There are alot of bad things I done, and this Monster helped me accomplish my goals when I needed things done. For example a bookie paying me money to beat the crap out of someone, or someone who threatened a love one. It helped me when I was in Jail, for to survive there you need to be a Monster, for there are only Monsters in jail. Part of the problem is I enjoy the savagery. I enjoy the Monster, and when he is out. I never felt more alive. Things slow down, take on a surreal quality. dreamlike almost. The fear in another man’s eyes, the power of a fist connecting, blood all over the place, yours or theirs. Luckily I never killed anyone, I could of easily, and there are many, many times I could of crossed that line.
When I was younger, and full of hate I didn’t mind being the Monster. The bad one, the evil one. I relished it, delved in it, became the Monster everyone wanted. Now that I’m older though, and try to be a better person, though as hard as I try to lose the person I once was, when I still look in the mirror, and I still see the Monster staring back at me. Though no matter how much I change for the better, there will be a Monster still lurking around.
Why am I telling you this, because I came to realize Monsters don’t end up happily ever after.