Being a Monster
I told you I was insane, now it’s time to share a little bit of that insanity. When you get angry, you might lose some control, when I get angry…real angry I turn into a Monster. You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry.
When I was born the doctor declared, “Look at that Monster!” My Mom thought I was a mutant. It’s a theme that would follow me for all my life. My earliest memories of when people would say, “Look at the paws on this kid, he’s going to be a monster.” I was the biggest kid in my school all the way up to High School, which I was pretty much in the top 5 of the biggest kids in school.
They wanted a Monster, I will give them one. I remember the exact moment I let the Monster out. I was in 4th grade, a 6th grade bully was picking on me. I flipped out, I grabbed him by the throat, shoved him against the wall. I remember just choking him, and him begging me to stop. A teacher pulled me off of him, and I later had to apologize. I wasn’t sorry though.
I never was a bully, but when pushed enough I would let the Monster go. It’s alot like the Hulk is, Savage, and Animalistic. I am not in full control when it is upon me. No I don’t turn green, and gain superhuman strength. I have taken steel chairs, cue sticks, and assorted other things upside my head without a mere flinch. I know I am not the strongest person, but what I lack in strength I make up in craziness. It’s the savagery that wins out, most people are worried about something. I do not care about my personal welfare when the Monster is upon me. So that usually wins the day.
In Football, I was in my element, I would let the hate consume me. I remember an opposing team member was on the ground, instead of helping him up, I spit on him, and said “Stay down, Mother Fucker” That hat led me to an “Most Improved Player” Award, as well as a bunch more accolades.
After that the outlet for the Monster was bouncing. I remember one time, while bouncing I was beating the crap out of a guy, the one with the cuestick that hit me, his blood was splattering all over me from hitting him, and I was laughing, and enjoying it. By the time I was done with him, he was a crying, bloody mess, and the cops then hauled him off.
There are alot of bad things I done, and this Monster helped me accomplish my goals when I needed things done. For example a bookie paying me money to beat the crap out of someone, or someone who threatened a love one. It helped me when I was in Jail, for to survive there you need to be a Monster, for there are only Monsters in jail. Part of the problem is I enjoy the savagery. I enjoy the Monster, and when he is out. I never felt more alive. Things slow down, take on a surreal quality. dreamlike almost. The fear in another man’s eyes, the power of a fist connecting, blood all over the place, yours or theirs. Luckily I never killed anyone, I could of easily, and there are many, many times I could of crossed that line.
When I was younger, and full of hate I didn’t mind being the Monster. The bad one, the evil one. I relished it, delved in it, became the Monster everyone wanted. Now that I’m older though, and try to be a better person, though as hard as I try to lose the person I once was, when I still look in the mirror, and I still see the Monster staring back at me. Though no matter how much I change for the better, there will be a Monster still lurking around.
Why am I telling you this, because I came to realize Monsters don’t end up happily ever after.
June 30, 2009 at 11:10 am
Do you enjoy being manipulated? Based on your posts, it seems like you do. As someone pointed out in another thread of yours, you constantly look at your life as something of predetermination. You give one excuse after the next of why you are never in control of a particular situation, whether it be your personal life, your anger issues, or your drinking. The fact is that it is all one big cop out.
Using the word “monster” to describe yourself is ill conceived. Spitting on someone, regardless of the situation, doesn’t make you a mythical creature, it just makes you an asshole. Defending yourself against a bully doesn’t make you a monster, it makes you a tough kid. Saying your anger to get the best of you doesn’t make you a monster, it makes you someone who can’t control themselves. You are a walking self-fulfilling prophecy of negative feelings, emotions, and beliefs.
Its probably pointless for me to even post all this, because regardless of what I say, nothing ever gets through.
June 30, 2009 at 11:31 am
I am a firm believer of predetermination. I believe no matter what I do, my destiny is preordained. My fate is set in stone. Theres a reason I believe it, and it’s not just based on what I read, but what I experienced in my lifetime. I would love to share, but then again you would probably send the guys in white coats with a strait jacket.
Plus I like to be a little dramatic in my posts sometimes. I think it makes for a better read.
June 30, 2009 at 11:34 am
I agree with Mike. Maybe you should change the title to “Being An Asshole.” Although most of the time you are a nice guy, recently I’ve seen that asshole side come out more and more. I don’t know if something is going on in your life that you aren’t sharing or if it’s just that you feel more comfortable with me as a friend now. So, stop being a “Monster” or an “Asshole” and deal with whatever you need to deal with. You’ve got great quailities and strengths. It’s about time that you man up and look at them. No more excuses.
p.s. Even though you are a dick at times, I still love ya and appreciate everything you’ve done for me.
…smell ya later, “Monster.”
June 30, 2009 at 11:46 am
Nope being an asshole ain’t quite the same. Oh for sure I can be an asshole, and i am…alot. Being an asshole to me is more calculated, like I’m going to be a jerk because there is something you done to me, or something I don’t like, or I’m just plain crabby. No this facet is more animalistic, more pure. No motives behind it, but to cause chaos.