He’s just not that into you.

A female friend of mine asked me to put up hints of when to tell a guy likes you. I told her usually I just whip out my dick. She said no normal guys. I was like ok I will help.

In general, because every guy is different, but there are a few things guys may do that signal he likes you. Here’s a couple.

1. Eye Contact – Most of the time, I try to look into the eyes of my lady love deeply, or if I’m in a group of people and I crack a joke I look to see if she laughs, or if I’m across the room and you catch my eye more then once, I might be interested.  If I stare at you for 5 minutes straight thats means get in the van, I got some candy.

2. Body Language – When I’m interested in a girl, I try to face her. I use open body language, not crossing my arms, or turning away from her. My attention is on you, and only you.

3. Touching – When you leg touches mine, do I move it?  Do I hug you more?  Do I hug you..alot? The more I touch you, the more I like you.  If I’m humping your leg like a dog, just whack me with a newspaper, and go “No, River…Bad, River”

4. Does he show interest in what you do - I really can give a crap about the plight of the white bellied seal of Alaska, but if I’m asking you questions about it, then I probably like you. See if the guy takes interest in your interests, does he ask you questions about you, and your life.

5. He act’s like a schoolboy – I like other men have issues with expressing emotions, so revet to the hair pulling technique. What I mean when we were little boys, and we wanted you to pay attention to us, we would pull your hair. Well nowadays  he will tease you, or we flirt with other girls to see if you get jealous. Juvenile I know, but hey boys will be boys.

6. Compliments – He takes notice of things, and compliments you. Like your hair, or something. Though if the guy is your friend, he might be trying to be nice. If he notices your shoes, and knows the brand they are….he’s gay.

7. Do I try to impress you – If I try to impress you with a nice restaurant, If I leave a bigger tip for the waitress, I clean my car for you, etc..etc.. yeah I like you, or If I talk to you on how much of a stud computer guy I am. A guy will often try to impress a girl he likes. If I don’t like you, the question I might ask you is do you like Fries with your Big Mac.

8. Nervous – If I’m a little nervous around you, I fidget, I search for the right words to say, etc..etc. If I like you I got little butterflies in my stomach…

9. Do I show up where your at – If you hang out at a bar, and all of a sudden I stop in there. Yeah I might like you. As I write this, it sounds creepy, but it’s not. Like say you tell me you bartend at a bar, all of a sudden I’m in there for a drink, or perhaps you work at a tanning salon, and now I have a sudden urge to look like a piece of shoe leather then yeah I might like you. If I show up outside your window in the middle of the night…call the cops.

10. Friends – Pay attention to my friends, and your friends. Am I asking questions about you to your friends? Are my friends making fun of me everytime your around. Are my friends a little nicer to you then they were before? I will let it leak somewhere that I like you, and my guy friends being the guys they are will rib me for it in secret, and if you pay attention you could tell. Also I will ask questions to your friends about you, your likes, dislikes, if your seeing someone, what sexual position you like stuff like that.

11. Personal space – If you invade it do I back away, or do I stay….personally if you invade my personal space theres gonna be a hand on the ass at some point.

Well that’s all I got for you, if other guys got any more tips go ahead put them up. Until then girls happy hunting.

The Zen of Snowshoveling.

I read alot about Zen, I like the concepts of it, even though I don’t go to temple, wear the robes, and chant. There’s alot of good stuff about it. One of those things is living in the moment. To open the five senses and wrap them around the event.

Last night someone said something that made me reflect upon my life, and I have to admit it stung more then I thought it would, probably because I didn’t expect it to go this way, or perhaps for the first time in years I even thought of going down a path just to have it close up on me, and I felt like a fool for even entertaining the thought.  Either way it is, what it is.  I know expectations are bad, for I only can control myself, but I, to my chagrin, sometimes get trapped by my own frailty as a human. It is said in Zen, to remove suffering one must remove desire. I have tried to do that, I have tried to take things as they are….sometimes though it’s rougher then it seems.

To center myself,  I shoveled snow, I listened to the scraping of the shovel. the feel of the cold air, the smell of the crispness of the snow, the sound of my feet crunching on the ground, The sight of the pure white all around me.  It reminded me what this life is all about. The clarity of the moment, to dwell in it, to experience it.

Drunken Tales : A Shocking Story

Covering some pretty heavy topics lately, thought I would lighten the mood. I’ve told this story to some of my friends, thought I would tell it here.

Back in the days when I use to work as a bouncer, I seldom had weekends off, but being in charge has its advantages, I took a weekend off. I decided lets do some drinking, so together with Jackass, Worm, and Diablo.  Yes I hung around guys called Worm, and Diablo.  We started at home base, or at least it was back then at the bar I worked at Blue Iguana.  Really hanging out at the bar you work at isn’t all that cool, but free drinks…is free drinks. We started at 8pm, we wondered Oak Park Avenue hitting Holstiens, and Teehans, and then ended back up at Blue Iguana. We stay after closing for a bit. Then hit a 4am bar called Dendrinos. After that we went to Kickoffs which is a 5am bar.

Think we would all be too drunk to even continue, let alone drive. Oh mind you we were drunk, and shouldn’t be driving…but we were all on a mission.

We went to Worms crib, which ironically is now Jackasses crib, when he gets married I wonder if I will take over the legacy. LOL! We then proceeded to have a few beers until 7am.

At that time we went to a bar that opens at 7am called Jim’s Inn. This bar was the dingiest dungeon ever, but oddly enough made good breakfast food. So after hanging out there, playing some pool, drinking until noon. We went to Hooters.

Now at Hooters we were drinking, and pretty much blotto. When Jackass asks me for my keys. I was like ok, I didn’t drive. He then proceeds to take a light bulb out of its socket, put a key in his mouth with the lightbulb, and jams my keys into the socket. The lights dim, Jackass gets knocked back, my key turns black. The Restaurant was so quiet you could hear a pin drop.  The manager runs over, and goes “Guys, I think it’s time you left”  Wow, kicked out of Hooters, that’s a first.  This was around 3pm

We then headed back to the Blue Iguana, with the same clothes we had on the night before. People were in awe, well around 9pm I had enough and crawled home and pretty much slept the rest of the weekend.

It wasn’t the last 24 hour binge I had, nor it was the first, but it was a great time and just seeing Jackass try to electrocute himself made this time very memorable even though the rest of it was kind of a..well..a blur.  Stoopid Whiskey.

Do you believe in fate?

Call it what you will, fate, destiny, God’s will. Whatever label you put on it. Do you believe that your path is predetermined. That the course of your life is set.

I do. Now what I am about to tell you may make you think I am crazy and insane….I never said I wasn’t.

Once in awhile I have dreams, these dreams are usually 5 minute clips of the future. For example I had a dream a few years ago, where I was in my car, with a certain girl, driving on the expressway, talking about haunted houses. A few months later the same event happened.

Now these dreams are usually 5-10 minutes long, and they are usually noneventful. Like they are just mundane glimpses, Like shopping with someone, or being at work, but for those 5 to 10 minutes my life mirrors my dream….exactly. All I do after the event is go…”Whoa”  Neo style from the Matrix, and I get hit with extreme case of Deja Vu. Crazy I know, and god forbid the dream couldn’t tell me the winning lottery numbers. Now I am not claiming any divine power, or even an ability to tell ones future. But it is the future I see in my dreams, and it’s exact. Now there’s no way to prove my dreams, and these events to you…that’s ok. I seldom share them, or even tell people I have them.

What it does, do and that I share with the world is prove to me life, well at least my life is predetermined. Someone has planned my life, and that these glimpses that are shown to me are just review clips. So for me I do believe in Fate, the problem is what if I don’t like my fate. I have been trying all my life to try to escape it.

What about you do you believe in fate? and if yes or no…why?

Facilis Decensus Averno- Or Monday Hangover

Facilis Decensus Averno is latin for The Path to Hells is Easy. I texted that to #1, and oftentimes find it true.

Friday – Was a nice quiet evening, I went to OCD’s  watched Best Friends Girl with Dane Cook. I like that movie, First Kate Hudson is a cutie, and Dane Cook cracks my ass up.

Saturday- It was my good friends wife’s bday. I overdid it a bit. The band I really like the Hat Guys, they just play some real good party toons. The Jack Daniels was going down smooth, and I even went to Teehans for a couple of Irish Car Bombs. After dealing with my Stepdad, and Mom all week it was really nice to get out with my friends.  Usual cast of characters were there #1, Towelie, Torino, Commando, Jackass, Paparazzi, and many more.  A good guy came out who I didn’t see in quite some time, he’s a police officer, a stand up guy, and just real funny. Glad he did come out.  OCD was strangely missing in action. Someone mentioned the block party, and my eyes lit up with a sort of maniacal gleam. I went to crash at Jackass’s, we had some Little Caesars pizza and watched Stepbrothers. I passed out from being tired when I woke up, my pants were covered in pizza sauce. I know we ate some pizza, but how the hell it end up on me I have no idea.

Sunday – I was introspective, and though alot about my life and the direction it’s taking. I came to the conclusion, it sucks ass, but ya know what I’ll try to make the best out of it, and if it’s one thing I learned nothing, and I do mean nothing is forever.   I got only 6 months to the block party, I have to start planning.

Ominia Vincit Amor

Cupid and Psyche

That’s latin for Love Conquers All, a quote made famous by Virgil in the ancient world.  I am an idealist, so I believe in love. I want to believe love exists.  I have always envision myself as an errant knight in look for his lady love, and to slay a dragon for her, or some super hero who will whisk the damsel in distress away. How’s that for idealism. In fact a girlfriend of mine once said I had a warped Super hero complex.

In terms of relationships, Love to me is not just flowers*, and a card just on Valentines day, or something you just repeat back to someone cause they said. Love to me is an expression of giving. Giving not only your body, but your mind, and soul. To be selfless, remember what I said good is usually thinking in a selfless way, why evil or bad is selfish.

Let me share two stories here that taught me some valuable lessons about love. I might of told these stories before, but  they illustrate my point, so too bad.

There was a time when I was hopelessly in love with a girl, I thought she was my soulmate, I loved her with all my heart, and I thought she loved me. Until the day she asked for a little space. I then took up everything that she gave me, and reminded me of hera put all the stuff in a box, except a pen that had a dragons claw on it grasping a stone, it was the coolest pen.. Evah! Anywho I took this box left it on her front porch with a little note, “Want your space? Never fucking call me, or talk to me again…your dead to me. That enough space for you?”

Well needless to say from all reports, I made her cry real bad, and making her hurt made me happy on some level. That is not love. That is something else. What I took away from this is Love should be selfless. If space is what she wanted, and would make her the happiest then I should of allowed her to have it. Sometimes Love is doing whats best for that person, even if what’s best for that person isn’t you. 

Second lesson I learned in life about Love. There was this one girl I really loved, One night I got really drunk…really really drunk, the bar closed, and I was ready to end my night. This girl was, she asked if she could drive me home. I became beligerant. At one point she was bawling her eyes, and begging me to drive me home. I started walking, she came chasing after me, I doubled back hopped in my car and left her laughing. As long as I live I will not forget what I did, for it was pretty shitty. She didn’t talk to me for a week or so. When she finally did this is and I quote “How can I care about someone, who doesn’t care about themselves, How can I love someone who doesn’t love themselves”  This taught me in order to love someone else, you must first love yourself.

To sum things up for you, you can’t force someone to love you. You just have to open up, and love someone, and just hope beyond hope they love you back.

*If your going to send flowers, please use FTD, or FTD florists. I have alot of friends there that I must keep employed.

Trust me!

“You may be decieved if you trust too much, but you live in torment if you don’t trust enough” – Frank Cane

I think trust is very important. Can you respect someone, and not trust them, I think you can. For example, I respect someone, whom use to be my friend, for what he is doing. He has five kids, and his wife left him. He’s doing the best he can raising those kids. I respect the hell out of that. Do I trust him? Hell no, I feel he is a untrustworthy sort, and would sell me out in a second, because the trust isn’t there that’s why he isn’t my friend.

In a relationship, I think respect has to come first.  Even though men crave respect, women need to be shown respect as well. When I’m on a first date, I don’t trust the girl as far as I throw her, but I respect her, and try to treat her decently, such as open doors, pay for the meal, listen to what she has to say, engage the conversation…etc..etc..

Then as we get to know each other a trust should build and grow. We become intimite with each other, we start telling secrets about ourselves, we start divulging little aspects of our lives, and show our quirks, and we trust the other person will be ok with all that. Then before you know it, your writing sonnets of love to the object of your desire.

Now this all being said, I think if you screw up, you lose trust, you most likely will lose respect. You lose respect the relationship rots away.  For example, Say I was going out with this girl, I mess around on her, I lose that trust she had on me. She then see me as a scumbucket, she loses respect for me. , then she treats me like shit, I treat her like shit….BOOM! No more relationship.

So to have a healthy relationship…you need

1. Respect

2. Trust

3. Love

So tomorrow I will cover Love, and my thought of true love. So when you get some time, trust me, and send some money for my karate lessons.

Let me tell you, I get no respect.

Rodney Dangerfield use to say that. Respect is very important in relationships, on both parties part. Though Men crave respect more so then women. My theory is that men crave respect, while women crave love. Not that men and women both don’t want respect, but I’m talking craving.

Let me review my theory, which I know I covered in the past, but I think we got some new people peeking in on my blog these days. So I will review. My theory is that a healthy relationship is a circle, No not a circle of trust Focker.  A circle that men crave respect, and women crave love. That when a man gets respect from his woman, he will give her the love she needs. 

I will give you a scenario to explain my theory.

IF you are a woman, and your boyfriend/husband/significant other or SO for short is out partying with the guys all the time, he isn’t with you, giving you the attention you need, and showing you love, and tenderness. So you become angry decide to go out with the girls. You flirt with guys, and such to get that attention you need. Then your man finds out what you’re doing, and gets angry with you. Well things spiral out of control from there unless something happens.

I am not saying women don’t want respect, but I’m saying they don’t crave it as much as we do as men.

Let me give you another scenario that me and OCD talked about.

This girl who was dating this guy went on a trip without him, and stayed in the same room with the guy, even slept in the same bed. Even though nothing happened, being the guy I can understand why he is no longer with this girl. If it was me, my foot would be down in a second. As a man if you respected me, you wouldn’t even think of going on a vacation where your sleeping in the same bed with another guy. So I’m sure this guy of hers thought about it, and even though he was a pussy and was a little passive aggressive, he eventually broke up with her.

Thats another thing guys, if you want respect, you have to earn it, command it, and be a man.  Show her the love she needs, I bet you get the respect you deserve.

Some tips to show her a little love that won’t cost you much you cheap bastage…

*Middle of the day send her a text saying your just thinking about it.

*Give her a massage. That’s like crack to a woman. (Don’t know how, go to the library and get a book)

*Pack a lunch for her, and leave a romantic note inside. (DO NOT LEAVE A PICTURE OF YOUR PENIS!)

* Cook for her. Learn a nice meal, and how to cook it to perfection. Then cook it for her.  Me I usually get one of those pizza kits from the store, and cook it. Easy, and no hassle.

*Draw her a bath, get some bubble bath, soap beady things, maybe some candles.. Women LOVE candles. Oh and make sure the bathtub is clean you sloppy mofo.

I tell you show your women some love, and you will get the respect you deserve, and more.

Now Ladies your turn, How do you respect your man.

* Well first off quit complaining, and maybe compliment more.  If you have a problem use the old compliment sandwich, For example. Honey, I know you work hard for our money, but the laundry machine is leaking, and it could damage the floor, what do you think we should do, I trust your judgement. See how that went, sounds alot better than, “This fucking piece of shit Laundry machine, we need a new one!”

*Men love to solve problems and fix shit. Appeal to this, instead of nagging, “Clean up this shit in the garage.”, perhaps say, “Can you help me, I’m trying to figure out a storage system for all the stuff in the garage.”

*Men don’t do feelings, show him the facts. Like if he wanted to buy something expensive, don’t throw a hissy fit. Show him a budget, and ask “to afford this what else can we cut out of the budget.”

* Be wary of your body language, rolling eyes, crossing arms, slamming doors denote disrespect as well.

If you women start respecting your SO more, I guarantee you will get more flowers.

Speaking of flowers, take it from me I worked at FTD, if you send flowers, send them to her work. Nothing a woman likes more than to show her friends, and coworkers that her man loves her. Do that my friend, you’ll be eating good, and probably getting an extra helping of dessert if you know what I mean…I tell you.

I am an Idealist

Before I start ranting and raving about respect, in terms of relationships there are a few things I need to point out about me. I am basically an Idealist, meaning there are certain Ideals I hold aloft. That these ideals are either we strive for, or we do not. These Ideals like good and evil, right and wrong, love, and hate, etc.etc….

Good/Evil – To me are more subjective terms. What’s good for me, isn’t really good for you, and vice versa. Though are there ultimate ideals of good and evil. I think good and evil lie in the selflessness of the act. Truly good people are selfless in their endeavors, while really evil people are truly selfish. Think of it a a meter from selfless to selfish. 

Right/Wrong – This is sort of the same thing, we all know the difference between right and wrong, I hope. If not you may be a sociopath, seek help.  When a situation comes up, I always ask myself, “What is the right thing to do?”  I define the Right thing as following a correct course of action that will allow the least chance of a unfavorable consequences from occuring for all parties involved. Ok let me give you an example. Say if I love someone and they asked me not to go to the strip joint. I get drunk one night, and get suckered into going. Next day she asks me what I did. I could lie. Now if I lie you have the fact I went, and now I lied. If she found out the truth there will be worst repruccusions, then if I was just honest and told her the truth in the first place. So less potential consequences means I should tell her the truth in the first plsce.

Shades of Gray- I don’t believe in middle ground, it’s either right, or it’s wrong. It’s either a selfish, or selfless. You can’t have your cake, and eat it too.

Love/Hate – Love to me is in the giving. If you love someone you can not be selfish, thus being selfless in love makes it good. Hate again being bad is selfish.

I think you start to see where I’m going with this.

Monday Hangover

So this weekend, Friday I went to my usual haunt. JWH. A descent band was playing. Classic Rock stuff.  I told myself, i was going to just have one or two then split. Well Jackass showed up, and another friend of mine showed up who was celebrating his birthday 3rd week in a row. Yeah we got smashed.  Couple odd things about this night. I was sitting there talking to this girl, and another girl I know just jammed her fist in my ass. I was like “WOWSA!”… a handshake would of worked too.  Then my friends got drunk, and started to cockpunch. Nothing like walking around the bar cupping your balls.  One incident that cracked me up, me and my friends were shooting the shit, and this woman we all know came up to us, now I met her boyfriend, and he looks young. So I asked her how old her boyfriend was. She replied he was younger, bout 6 months. I still replied, “Oh so your a cougar!”  Then I started chanting “Cougar!”, and my friends picked it right up. She bolted out of there faster than a dyke fleeing dick.

Saturday I actually went to a different bar. 191 South. I was with a bunch of women namely #1, and another friend of mine, whom I shall henceforth call OCD .. So I had to make it rain, bought them a shot and some drinks. The band there was really good. They were called IPOP. They played some new music, along with some old classics. They looked like they were enjoying themselves, and having a fun time.  The owner of Holstiens showed up, I felt like I was cheating on a girl. I was like, “Oh hey…hi there. “  I danced a little, made a fool out of myself a little then hit Olympic Star for some good grub. #1 had a problem keeping her booze down later that evening. After the Star, I drove OCD back to her truck, and I discussed the concept of respect within a relationship, which I will delve into deeper later in the week.  It was a real good time, and had some good ole fashioned fun.

Sunday went to my Dad’s even though he’s better, and says he’s been feeling better, he seemed confuses at certain times. I hate getting older.