Diary of a Bouncer – Women

Since we got some new readers, I thought I would take some of my favorite Diary of a Bouncer posts from 2 years back and repost them. Some of you may or may not know I worked as a bouncer at several different bars, and security for strippers back in the day. Here is some of my observations. Enjoy

Women are beautiful creatures, but the female of our species in my observation are the more cunning, vicious, and vindictive of the two two genders.

When fighting with men, there comes a point when you get them in a position where they know they are licked in general. They will give up, unless their on some sort of drug then that’s a different story.  A man knows when to throw in the towel. Women on the other hand will fight, argue, and gouge your eyes out if they have to just to prove a point. A couple of times when I had to deal with angry women proves my point.

One time in my life I had the pleasure of working at the south sides most popular dance club, we had 750-1000 people come through on a weekend night. On this one particular night. Two pretty girls start to argue, they are both dressed to the nines. Me and this other bouncer go over to diffuse the situation. Such pretty girls were throwing around cuss words, and saying things that would make a drunk sailor blush. I guess one of the girls suspected the other of hitting on her man. Well as I prepared to escort the ladies, one of them reaches over me and starts pulling the other girls hair. Despite my natural instincts of sitting back and watching the fight hoping a breast pops out, or they might actually start kissing each other. I separated the girls, the other bouncer grabs one girl starts dragging her towards the back door, I take mine to the front. Suddenly the other girl breaks free, and charges at me and the other girl. I tell another bouncer to watch my girl, as the charging girl makes her way towards me,  I dip my shoulder, and as she charges I stop her, pick her up over my shoulder, and start carrying her to the back door.  The whole time kicking, screaming, scratching, she even bit my back. When I got to the back door, I dropped her none to gently, she still tried to attack me, trying to whack me in the nuts, and shins with her heels.  I gave her a little shove, and we closed the back door. She started hitting the back door screaming the usual something to do with be being an asshole, and having a small penis. Which if your gonna insult me, try to be more original I heard it all.  She pounded and screamed on that door for around 30 minutes. If this was the only incident I would say ok, but time and time again girls act this way when they get angry, they do not stop.

Another time a guy was a little to drunk, acting like an asshole. So I asked him to leave. He said,” Ok no problem” As I was escorting him out, BASH!. Someone smashed a beer bottle over my head. I was like, “WHAT THE FUCK??”  A girl was standing there with a broken bottle in her hand. The other bouncers grabbed her. Lucky for her I only had a few cuts from it. She was screaming and ranting about how to leave her boyfriend alone. I looked at her boyfriend the drunk I was escorting he just shrugged. Kicked them both out, and from down the block I could still hear her screaming, how I was an asshole, and had a small penis.

So men, be careful you may be physically stronger, but women are the more vindictive, if you still don’t believe me after this, just email Mr. Bobbitt, and ask him how his penis feels.

Guitar Lessons

Last week I started Guitar Lessons. I always had a bug to learn guitar, many years ago oh about 10 or so. I had alot of time on my hands so I bought an electric guitar. I took one lesson, and the teacher said that my fingers were to “fat to play the electric guitar.” After punching him in the head with my fat fist a few times. I never really took it up again discouraged. A few years back I was at the Swap-O-Rama, I love that place by the way, best flea market evah! I saw an acoustic guitar for like 50 bucks. I thought to myself, screw that dude, I’m going to try again. I talked the guy down to 40 bucks.  A steal anyway you look at it.

Years go by, and I meet a girl who plays the guitar. She’s really cool, and I told her about my last guitar experience, minus the getting pissed of part, and beating up the teacher…she might not want to hear that part, but she was pretty cool, and she told me my fingers weren’t that fat. Nicest thing anyone said to me. So I asked her if she would teach me, she said yes.

So we started last week, and things are going well. Music is a huge part of my life, and it would be great to actually play some of it. She’s a good teacher, I’m learning, and that’s all I can ask for.

Speaking of Guitars, there is a joke amongst my close friends Jackass, and The German. They think I’m gay for Eric Clapton. We were drunk one time we were watching the Crossroad Concert, and Sheryl Crow, and Eric Claptopn were playing. Jackass goes, “Do you think she’s doing Eric Clapton”  I replied, “At least sucking his dick, He’s Eric Fucking Clapton, Hell I would suck his dick”  From the look on Jackass’s face, what I meant isn’t what I said, it just came out…alll wrong…..all terribly wrong.

Ever since then, my bastard friends love to play Layla on the jukebox. Yeah but I do like Eric Clapton, and playing the guitar, but I wouldn’t suck anyones dick…..unless lots of money was involved.

I love Boobs!

Though I am more of an ass man to be honest, I do love boobs from the tiniest A cup, to the whopping DDD’s.

All joking aside, as a male we usually think  Breast Cancer is a women’s problem.  As a man I feel part of our job is to try to help those that need help. Breast Cancer is a serious problem that affects the one’s we love, our mothers, our sisters, our wifes, our cousins, our girlfriends. We must try to help them if we can.

“The National Breast Cancer Foundation estimates that each year, over 200,000 women will be diagnosed with breast cancer and over 40,000 die. One woman in eight either has or will develop breast cancer in her lifetime. Approximately 1,700 men will be diagnosed with breast cancer and 450 will die each year”

The crazy thing is this isn’t just a woman problem, men get it too.

For this reason it’s Boobie Wednesday! , and I support it I love their motto “Boobie Wednesday it’s very hands on!”

Here’s another site.

So encourage the women in your life to get mammograms if their over 40, and if their not to examine themselves for odd lumps every so often. I’ll be doing it at JW Hollstiens in Tinley Park this weekend free of charge…come on down.

 

Fear of Commitment

Someone asked am I afraid of commitment, because I always say maybe, or never give a definate answer, oh that and I run from anything serious relationship wise in the past.

One time I wanted to quit wrestling. I didn’t like it when I was a kid. My father looked at me and said, “You made a commitment to the team, you can not let them down.”  This stuck with me. So when I say I will be somewhere, I will try my hardest to actually be there. Sure I might be late, or show up for just a bit, but I am a man of my word. I say I’m going to do something, come hell or high water I’m going to try my damn best to do it.

This translates to the world of relationships, romantic or otherwise. If I don’t enter into a commitment, then no one can hold me accountable. Thus I try to be vague, and non-committal.  I am an idealist, and when I take those wedding vows, I will hold those sacred and when I give those vows I want to make sure that I do live up to my end of the bargain.

It’s not that I’m afraid of commitment, I’m afraid of not living up to the commitment. I think I’m not the only guy who thinks this way either.

Prayers and Thoughts

A friend of mine is waiting for some medical news, I want her to know she’s in my thoughts and prayers. I pray it is good news, and when it is…we’ll get stinking drunk

Monday Hangover

Friday I was a good boy, just stayed in played video games, watched some movies.

Saturday- Not so good. I went to JWH to see Slippery when wet, a Bon Jovi Tribute band, and they do a good job, and they mix in some other classic songs. I went out with the Italian Princess, she’s a nice girl, but real flirty. Which I encourage.  I walk into the Bar, and I start getting dry humped by a couple of  drunk friends of mine. All good guys, but hey I’m sober…I have issues with guys trying to hump me while sober. It’s all good though their funny guys, and I’m sure I’ll get them back and dry hump them when I’m drunk.  Then Jackass arrives and it gets a little nutty. New drink which I’m loving Cherry Vodka, and Diet Coke. It’s damn tasty.  We progressed to Teehans for an Irish Car Bomb, then finished off at Durbins. I stopped at Olympic Star, the owner gave me an asston of Rice Pudding to take home for free. Oh man I love the O.S.  On the way home it was rough, not so much cause I was drunk. I was just so tired, I caught myself waking myself up several times.

Sunday- I had to fix my Dad’s computer, setup a computer for my Stepdad, but I was able to go out to dinner with a friend of mind. Once upon a time I had a mad crush on her, but then I come to realize it wasn’t going to happen, but I still like spending time with her.

Pic of the Week

Gotta say I dig Kate Hudson, she’s a cutie.

Tales of a Drunken Fool

One night I was bouncing, and we were slow so they let me go early. It was a nice spring day, Jackass said let’s go back to his crib and ride the scooter. I was drunk enough to agree. So me Jackass, Worm, and Jackasses roommate at the time went back to their crib. It was this little kid’s two wheel scooter with a motor on it, to ride it you stand on this skateboard scooter thing, and hold the handles.

Well being the drunk I was I hop on it, and I get going real fast, I lost my balance. I go flying…both my shoes pop off, and I land on my back. Everyone was cracking up.

Then while Jackass’s roommate was riding it, Worm went to get a beer, but dropped his smoke right near my ass. I farted so loud right in Worms face Jackass swears he saw Worms face vibrate. I couldn’t time it any more perfect. Poor Worm just fell to the ground, while we all just laughed our asses off.

Then Jackass had the bright idea to jump me with the scooter, so we build a ramshackle ramp, and I lie on the ground next to the ramp. Jackass revs up the scooter, and goes full steam towards the ramp, he hits the ramp perfect. Oh wait, my stomach is sticking up above the edge of the ramp. The Scooter hits my stomach, Jackass goes flying, my stomach hurts like a mother. 

So I drank more to numb the pain, and I had a tire shaped bruise on my stomach for about a week after that….Stoopid Whiskey!

Just an awesome site I want to share.

Tiny Buddha

Just a positive, cool website.

The Wolves of Life

Last night a friend of mine said to me, “Do you realise 75 % of our life is just waiting?”  This friend of mine broke my heart last night, because she is the one of the few people in my life always so positive, and upbeat. That coming from her was so morbid, and down. She is facing a rough time right now, so I can’t blame her.

One movie that had a profound effect on me was The Vikings, with Kirk Douglas, Tony Curtis, and Ernest Borgdnine. Ernest plays a Viking named Ragnar. Ragnar is taking captive by the English, and he is set to be thrown to the wolves. He asks for his sword, and looks at the English snarls, and then smiles at Tony Curtis, laughs and jumps into the pit of wolves…. screaming “Odin!”

I took this scene, and made it a metaphor for my life. The wolves of my life such as Pain, Misery, Loneliness, and many more beset me every day of my life, and they seemed like they were legion. There was a period of my life where I just waited for them to devour me, I almost wanted them too. To end my life fast and quick.

One day while in the mental hospital, after wanted to be devoured. I looked at the outside world in a moment of peace, I glared at it……I smiled, and then I laughed. Then I picked up my sword. The outside world are those english people, watching me. The wolves are my problems, and Tony Curtis are my friends and family who gave me my sword. Someone said, “That everyone dies, but few truly live”

We can choose to succumb to the wolves of our lives, devouring not our body, but our souls. Not I, I choose to fight. Who knows I might defeat some wolves, and I might be left standing with dead wolves surrounding me, or a wolf might finally get to me. I will not lay down, and let them, I will let the onlookers know that I will face their wolves and laugh. The wolves will fear me, instead of me fearing them. When my life is over the English will know that I lived, the wolves will know that I lived, The Gods will know that I lived.

I hear some wolves looking for me and my friends right now, come my friends let us pick up our swords, smile and laugh at the world….and jump in.

“OOODDDDDIIIINNN!!!!”