I think this picture may provide some clues.
Archive for September, 2010
Well Sunday the 26th marks the 38th cycle the earth has travelled around the sun since I crawled out of my Mommy’s vagina. I think there is some sort of tradition of a Birthday wish….well here’s mine.
…Please don’t hurt me…anymore.
Oh sorry, I was working on this girls computer last night, and she asked me “What is love?” I was going to give her some smart answer about hormonal reactions containing endorphins, coupled with animal instincts to procreate. Then the idealist in me wanted to think there was more to love, there had to be. Are we animals devolved to our baser instinct’s, or are we touched by the divine. Can love only exist in sonnets, and poems of the ages. My answer at the moment was simply, “I don’t know” I felt stupid. I felt like there needed to be more of an answer.
So I thought back to all the girls I fell in love with in ages past, what did they have. What qualities did they possess that I couldn’t get enough of them.
There has to be a Physical spark if you will, and than some other attributes build upon that spark to create a fire.
Attraction - This is the spark, where it all starts, not all of the girls I fell in love with were Ms. Americas, or Stripper hot. The girls I fell for possessed something though that drew me in. Not talking the nice rack, or sweet looking ass something, perhaps it’s a look, or a way they moved. A smile there, or a pout there. For example, one girl eyes lit up when ever I walked in the room, like I was some sort of superstar. It was all I could do to resist from taking her on the spot. I have a thing for a woman’s eyes too, I don’t know what it is but some women when I look into their eyes, it seems like they are staring through me, piercing my soul, and not at me.
Respect - A girl must respect me, respect the boundaries I put up as a man, and sometimes let me be a man within limits. Someone once said, that men need respect, than love, and women need love, then respect. Sure men want love, and women want respect that’s a gimme, but men need respect more, and women need love more. In the explanation there is a circle of sorts. If women give the respect their men need, the men will show them love that they need. You see this in alot of successful marriage.
Confidence - A girl that doesn’t get walked all over. Sure I know some guys LOVE subservient women, and that might be all good for them, but how can you respect someone who let’s themselves be walked all over. An ex-girlfriend said this to me, and it’s so true, “How can you care for someone who doesn’t care about themselves, how can you love someone who doesn’t love themselves”
Intelligence - There are alot of types of intelligence, and you don’t have to discuss the Formulas for solving Differential Equations with me. Just be smart enough to know what you’re talking about, or at least have the brains to google some shit. Part of an old quote I love, “There are people who do not know, but do not know they know not, they are ignorant – teach them, there are people who know not, and know they know not, they are fools – shun them”
Passion - To believe in something greater than yourself. To fight for what you believe in, and for that which you love. I joke I say the girl who cuts my tires cause she’s pissed at me is the one I’m going to marry. All jokes aside, I mean the one who is willing to fight for “Us”, the one who got my back when I am in trouble. The girl who will fuck someone up if they talk about me.
Challenges Me – I love when a girl calls me out on my bullshit, or one that makes me think. For example I was walking with a current girlfriend, I came across someone, who called my name. I started talking to this person like he was an old friend, and laughing. Then me and my girlfriend walked away, after a bit she goes, “You didn’t even know who that person was, did you?” I just smiled, and laughed. There was another girl who I loved deeply who tried to convert me to Vegetarianism, because she wanted me to eat healthier. and though she failed miserably, I admired the fact that she tried.
Needs Me – Now I think a girl should have some independence, and have her own life. It’s nice to feel needed though. Men like the saving the damsel in distress thing. We get off on coming to a girls rescue. I’m sure being needed is something girls want, but in a slightly different way. I want to share my life with someone, not feel like I am a prop in their little show.
Silent Lucidity - I don’t know how to explain it, but there are times when I’m with that special someone in the quietness of life, and knowing that they are by my side, just gives me a warm feeling. For example, One Sunday Morning I was just reading a paper, and my woman was putzing on her laptop leaning against me, or like when I’m driving just listening to the radio, and I look over and there she is, wind blowing through her hair. It’s in these silent moments, that I think wow I am blessed.
So if I had these things, and girls that possessed these things, if I was such in love, then why am I single. That answer is the simplest of all…..I’m a dick.
When I was a kid, my parents often asked about my friends “Oh, what does her dad do for a living?” My response was an annoyed “I don’t know.” To my parents, it was unfathomable that I had not asked. To me, asking was unfathomable. Why would I spend time with my friends talking about their lame parents or my lame parents? That was lame topic of conversation. Lame lame lame.
I also hated the interrogation that grown-ups would foist on me. ”Are you doing well in school?” blah blah, like they had ANY right to know what my grades were. But if I didn’t want to answer, it was totally “rude.” In my mid-twenties, I even had a prospective employer ask me what my parents thought of me moving so far away from home. Uh, what?
Naturally, I shy away from asking other people prying, annoying, and quite honestly irrelevant questions that I used to find so invasive. I figure that if people want to tell something, they’ll just up and TELL it. Asking “so, do you have any brothers and sisters” feels so forced. Like “what are you trying to get at here?”
After the umpteenth lecture by my dad about how I needed to start interacting better with people and actually take an interest in their lives, because, you know, he is an expert on all my interactions with other people that he’s not around for, I tried to take his advice to heart. Maybe I was doing it wrong. Maybe I should be trying to engage in conversation with irrelevant questions that I don’t care about and that the other person wasn’t planning to discuss. Maybe that’s just what people do in polite society.
So, I started asking people stupid questions about their families and hobbies, which was usually met with a puzzled answer. In a very awkward way, at my next job, I attempted to get to know my coworker. I casually asked him about his parents. ”My mother committed suicide when I was 12.”
Uh. Shit. What?
No, daddy, you were wrong. I’ll continue to err on the side of not being prying or nosy. If that makes me seem cold, so be it.
“I thought my demons we’re my friend, but they we’re out to get me in the end” – Coming Undone by Korn
When I was born the doctor said, “Get a load of this monster!”. Growing up since I was always a big kid, I was called a monster quite alot. I’ve heard it so many times, I was brainwashed to believed I was a monster. They wanted a monster, I was going to give them one. Monsters don’t get the rewards, the girls, the happy ending. We destroy, cause havoc, and cause pain…..and in my early life that’s what I was. I relished in being the bad guy, the monster.
Football fed the Monster for many years, the roar of the crowd, the vicious brutality of it all. I made Dick Butkus seem like a boy scout. I remember knocking a guy on his ass, and telling him to stay fucking down, and spitting on him. Then Football was over. I was lost. I had no purpose anymore. A warrior without an enemy turns in upon himself.
I turned to hanging around gamblers, thugs, drug dealers, people that were morally corrupt, I also began bouncing. I was a monster, among monsters. We would relish being bad, doing things filled with hate and malice together, causing pain wherever we treaded. One time I beat the shit out of a guy cause he was just looking in my general direction. I felt like I belonged here, and I let the monster loose. I feared nothing, because I ceased to care about myself. Monster don’t give a shit about anyone least of all themselves. I’m not saying I was some sort of tough guy, or badass. I’m saying that I just didn’t give a fuck about myself, so why would I give a fuck about you. I remember choking someone and seeing the fear in their eyes, it was better than any drug high I ever had.
Why am I telling you this, I will never totally be rid of that Monster, he is a part of me. As try as I might I can not fully escape him. Sometimes I am a little harsher in my words then I mean to, sometimes I say things that might cause pain, which was not my intent. I may get angry and lash out, or I may be cold in my deeds which appear to have no thought behind them.
Some may disagree, and they would not be wrong. I am alot different then I was, perhaps old age does mellow a man, or maybe I just reached rock bottom and had enough. Alas all my current friends don’t really know the old me, and I can’t say I blame them. I keep everyone at arm’s length, but they also know me as I am today. They know the guy who has come to realize that to be loved, you have to love yourself first. That life isn’t about me, it’s about others. That the greatest joy in life is not causing pain, but giving laughter.
An old friend of mine, who chooses to no longer be my friend, told me once I changed, and that’s why he doesn’t want to be my friend. He’s right I have changed, I am constantly changing. I am not the same River as I was yesterday, I make mistakes, and I learn from them ….hopefully.
I try to blame a construct in my mind, this creature, this monster. The damage I do, I am the one who does it, I am the one who must make amends, I am the one who pays the consquences…..In the end of the day I am the Monster.
Friday was a a low key day, I went out had a few beers with Torino, and Commando. Then tried to go to my old High School Homecoming game, it was way over capacity, so I wasn’t able to get in. A couple things, they were rude bastards about it, hey a-hole I know your over capacity but don’t be screaming it, and fucking acting douchebaggy. They don’t do the nice programs like they use to do when I went there, now they just do a sheet a paper, and they were’nt even selling hats. After that I went home.
Saturday- My friend Talledega had a party, he built a bar in his basement, and wow…simply wow. He spent a pretty penny on it. It’s really cool. I was impressed. Despite having a good time over there. I gave my word to show up to another party. So my word being my bond, I showed up. I felt bad for this girl some of her closest friends didn’t show up. Ya know if it was my friend, barring anything terribly unforseen like sickness. I’d be there. Not saying stay the whole night, or be there for 8 hours, just pop in, and make an appeareance have a shot, and leave. I really felt bad for this girl, If you don’t make an effort for your friends, then how good of friend are you? Regardless I had a good time.
I ended the night by meeting up with Jackass on Oak Park Avenue, and having a few more, stayed after hours with the Durbins crew. Which is always cool, it brings me back to the days when I bounced.
Sunday – I spent the day with my Dad, Brother, and Cousin for the Bear game. My father isn’t looking so good. He can hardly walk, or stay awake. I dropped my father at home then I met up with Jackass, for a drink. I really needed a laugh.
And Jackass provides, when I got to Durbins I walk in, there’s Jackass with his nails painted hot pink, and eyeliner on. He was more smashed then I’ve seen him in a long time. We went down to Teehans, and at one point Jackass tried to take his pants off, then we were play fighting in Teehans. My side was hurting from all the laughing. Finally he went home, and I ended up back at Durbins. Had a few more and called it a night.
5 months. That’s how long it has taken for me to meet someone new and fall in love since separating from my husband.
Totally bizarre how it’s all happened and I know lots of people think it’s fast but to be honest, it really doesn’t feel it. This is because I am a different person to the one I was at the beginning of April. I was a shadow of myself and wasn’t happy. Back in March when I quit one guild and joined another, I realised that I was happier in game than in RL because I was able to be totally me in game without someone judging me.
That was quite a shock. And part of how I rediscovered the real Amy again. Warcraft and all the Twitter folk have certainly helped in a weird way. I remember saying things to several friends and saying afterwards ‘oh god, please don’t judge me on that’ and they all said, ‘Judge you?! Wth for?!’ I realised I’d been judged for a VERY long time.
Now I’m back to being me again. A little older and wiser than last time and certainly a lot stronger and wearing a few battle scars, but I’m proud of them and wouldn’t change anything. I’ve learnt to be me again, and if anyone dares judge me now, they’d better run for cover.
Well today I’m getting another car, the Focus is on it’s last leg, even though I have the Lincoln, that’s an older car, and who knows how long that’s going to last either.
But the Focus, every warrior has a faithful steed, and the Focus was mine. I remember getting it. I was looking for Trucks, but the car dealer pulled my credit report, and chuckled….”Let me show you the Ford Focus, Mr. Cavelle” Glad he did, the little car was surpringly roomy, and we had many adventures together. It was my first brand new car to, and it was a big boon in the time when gas prices were through the roof.
When I think back to the Focus, I will think back of the stuff we shared and been through together….some of the stuff like..
* The Many Block Party’s it served as a mobile base of operations.
* The time I woke up,while driving from a night of drug, and boozing one New Year’s Eve.
* The time I fell asleep while driving, and did a 360 on the road, and landed in a snow bank.
* The many girls I’ve fooled around with in the car.
* The miles, and miles I’ve driven the car. 170k ain’t nothing to sneeze at.
* The Fake Spinner Hubcaps, I put on it just to get a cheap laugh.
* Just all the good times,and some bad times I had with it.
It has been an ever present part of my life for the last 10 years, and even though it’s just an inanimate object, I would be remiss not to thank it for it’s service. I will be putting it out to pasture, and let it live out the rest of it’s days in a junk yard somewhere.
So to you my old friend, the Focus thank you, and farewell.
My life takes strange twists and turns sometimes. Well if your a reader of my blog you might of read about the friend of mine who got drunk at Hollstiens one night, and that I asked if she needed a ride home. She refused said she was fine, and then got in a bad car accident, and died. I was the last person to see her, and I always felt like I should of done more.
I was sitting at Jimmy Johns yesterday as I usually do, after eating my sandwich I was checking my Iphone. Someone asked me, “Chris, from Governors State?” I looked up, it was her son. We talked for awhile, he is doing good, his older brother is doing good, and is married with a child of his own now, a beautiful baby girl. It was really awesome to see him, and hear they we’re doing good.
I have to say it was a little bittersweet though, I feel a little sad Sylvia isn’t here to share in her son’s joys. One thing is for certain, I marvel at just how small this world is sometimes.
Friday we started off going to Commando, and Torino’s place to celebrate Commando’s sister birthday. As always they put together a wonderful spread. It was a nice mellow time, alot of Commando’s family, and sisters friends. Commando’s father was there he cracks me up. Some of the usual suspects showed up, Towelie, RJ, Muffdiver, OCD, #1, just to name a few. So this young kid asked Torino about my Jack, if he could do a shot. Torino was like it isn’t my Jack, but I’m sure River wouldn’t have a problem with you doing a shot. Torino was right, in fact I did one with the kid.
Like I said it was a nice mellow time, and that’s a good thing from time to time.
Saturday- I went looking for Cars, I found a nice one. Pontiac G6, fully loaded, sunroof, etc..etc. Surprisingly roomy, which is important for a big guy like me. Surprised my credit wasn’t as bad as I thought, sure it isn’t good. The thing that is funniest is my credit was better than my brothers, and he was pissed. I mean I got student loans, bankruptcy, and a repoed car on my credit history. I mean he was really sour. Then we went to visit an old friend who opened up a restaurant around there called the Chunky Chicken, man and the food was good. If your in that area definately stop by check him out. It was good to see him though it brought back alot of good memories.
Sunday- Was the travesty of the Bears game, but it was still a good time with my friends, Torino, Commando, Jackass, The German, and even Geek Princess came up, and the Trannylover stopped by. So Geek Princess was complaining about not having chapstick for some time, then she texted Trannylover to come up and bring her some, after she texted I whipped out my chapstick, and put it on going, “Yeah my lips are pretty dry too” She was like, “Mother Fucker!”
Then me and Jackass headed to Durbins, and we had to do some work. Some guy was causing a ruckus. So me and Jackass saw to it he was ejected peacefully, but then the douchebag headed to Hollstiens. We thought the bartender was by herself down there, so we put on our Crimson Guardian Angel berets, and went down there. She was ok.
I tell you what though I kind of wish he tossed a punch at me, it’s been awhile. From time to time I miss a good brawl.