Grandmother

What can you say

to someone who has always been one of

the most essential parts of your world;

Someone who took you by the hand

when you were little

and helped to show the way.

What do you say to someone

who stood by to help you grow,

providing love, strength, and support

so you could become the person

you are today?

What can you say to let her know

that she’s the best there is,

and that you hope you’ve inherited

some of her wisdom and her strength?

What words would you say

if you ever got the chance?

Maybe you’d just say,

I love you Grandma,

and hope she understands…

–Author Unknown

I have to remember even though that she may have recieved a death sentence, she is not dead yet,  to spend some time with her, and enjoy her presence while I still can.

Tales from the River Chronicles

So I got this new leather trench coat, and I hopped in a car with my friend. I forgot where we we’re going, but it didn’t matter we didn’t make it.

As we turned on the main street of 167th. I blacked out for a second, when I came to I was half way through the wind shield, with shattered glass all around me. I crawled back into the car. The driver was out cold. I looked around. A oncoming car, swerved into our lane and clipped us. I looked down I noticed blood everywhere on me. I was pissed, I was getting blood on my jacket.  It was like an obsession of mine now, I was so upset about blood on my shit.

I went over to the other car, and the driver of that car was curled into a ball crying, I was screaming at him, going, “Get the fuck out of the car, mother fucker, you fucked up my jacket, I’m going to kick your ass.”  Now later as I thought about it, how monstrous did that look a big guy covered in blood, screaming at you, and wanting to kick your ass.

Cops finally showed up on the scene, and they got me to calm down. Then the ambulance showed up, and they put me in there, they had to take me to the hospital to clean me up. They called my parents whom I still lived with at the time. My Dad shows up, takes a look at me, and goes, “Holy Shit, what happened to you?” I told him, “I’m fine, go back home”  He goes to me, “Yeah, no you’re not fine, your face looks like hamburger.”  I think to myself, “great now that’s going to be attractive to the ladies”

So I went to the hospital, but I didn’t need any stitches, but I did have some cool scars for awhile.  I remember though sitting on the recliner a couple weeks after the accident. Felt as if  something was in my eye, I got it out. It was a shard of glass as big a raindrop almost. I was like you got to be kidding me.

Monday Hangover

Friday stayed in a recovered from Thursday.

Saturday I was going to stay in as well, but things don’t work out as I plan it. I met Torino aka Satan, Commando, Jackass, and Geek Princess. After downing what seemed my weight in Red bull and booze, I couldn’t stay in now, I had a great buzz going. So I met Tallegdega, and a guy who from hence forth be called Stitches, and why I do, I’ll get to that later.

So we hit 191, which I’m not a huge fan off. It’s crowded, and I hate people, but tonight I had a good time there, met some people I haven’t seen in a while. After 191 we hit JW Hollstiens, was an ok time….until Stitches started playing around with my beer bottle, He smacked the top of it to get it to foam up, then Tallegdega did and then I went to pour it on Stitches, Stitches grabbed the bottle, breaking it in his hand, and cutting it open.  I didn’t think he needed stitches, but the doctor thought otherwise…damn soothsayers.

Then Tallegdega, and me went to Durbins, where Jackass made a surprise visit. So we had a view there, and then went to Kickoffs.  Jackass was in a rare mood, so we almost got in a fight which was ok by me, I was in a fighting mood. Scary thing is Tallegdega was the voice of reason.  

Let me back up a bit, Saturday night, I saw something on Facebook about Cubs versus Sox, someone posted ”Cubs are Fags” I didn’t know the dude, but I didn’t give a shit, I posted, “You’re a fag”, well it went back and forth, I cracked a few mom jokes. Sunday I wake up this guy is threatening me, like he will cut my throat open, and cool stuff like that. After seeing my Grandma in the hospital that Sunday, I was ready to rip this guys innards open, to quote the band Suicidal Tendencies, this dude ”Wouldn’t know crazy if Charles Manson was eating froot loops on his front porch”  So after a little back and forth, I basically told him where I was going to be that day, and what time. If he wanted a piece of me, I was giving it away.  

Sunday I just went to JW Hollstiens with Jackass, chilled out had a few beers, watched Stepbrothers, then went to Durbins. Had a shitload of laughs there, cause we just got crazy, talking about time travel with the other patrons, and just being stupid.

Little Rough Around the Edges

To say I’m a little rough around the edges today would be a gross understatement of my status.

So I went to the Hospital last night and my Grandma was asleep, so I didn’t disturb her, I just sat there for a bit, in case she did wake up. She didn’t  Driving home, it’s times like this that I must be strong, for those who can not be strong. I know in the days to come, my Grandma, Grandpa, and my Father are going to need my strength.

I was going to go home, but decided on having a beer, and some tacos at JW Hollstiens. Just sitting there vegging out, kind of in a wierd place. I hear behind me, “Yeeeaaahh!”, and “Allo”. It’s my buddies Tallegdega, and his cousin Ice. Coming in with Apple Pie Shots, and more beers…so much for a couple.  After watching the Cubbies, beat the Sox. They wanted to go to this new bar called Sullivans…I really wasn’t going to go…but fuck it, you only live once.

On the way there I needed some cash, so I stopped at a gas station. I thought I would take a piss too. So the bathroom was occupied. I knocked on it, to hurry the mofo. Black guy comes up to me, that dude has been in there forever. So after waiting a bit. The dude comes out, it was Tallegdega, I almost pissed myself laughing.

We went to Sullivans, and I swear Ice should be a politician, we ended up drinking with a dude from India almost straight off the boat. We were doing Irish Car bombs, and he never did one of those. He bought us a couple, we bought him a couple.

So with the Black Haus, Car Bombs, and Apple Pies in me…I felt pretty damn good. I called Jackass. Oh yes he came out. We went to JWH, then we went to Teehans. I was wearing a Flash super hero shirt…some one played Flash Gordon song by Queen. It was hilarious.

Then we hit Durbins, I was a dancing fool…or maybe a just plain ole fool. There’s a couple nice girls that work there that are really cool.

Afterwards we hit Dendrenos…where we run into Towelie, and couple other friends of ours. So many laughs my sides hurt today.

Yeah I’m hurting today, but it was well worth it, I needed a few laughs, and my friends were right there for me to deliver.

Growing Old Sucks

I always had issues with growing old. I hate the idea of growing infirm, or losing my wits, or a step.  I hate the idea of one day becoming a burden for someone. That’s probably the major driving force of half the dumb shit I do, I just don’t like the idea of growing old.

Yet here I am in middle-age, nearing the 40 mark. My feelings about growing old haven’t really changed, and now with my Grandmother in the hospital for something serious it brings home another thing I don’t like about growing old.

That one day I will see the ones I love pass away, like my Grandparents, my Parents, Aunts, and Uncles and other people that have affected my life. In the last couple years I’ve been to more funerals than weddings, and I hate fucking funerals with a passion.

I know it’s a part of life, that it’s a crucible we all must face, but it doesn’t make it any easier. I said to myself I should prepare myself for the future, but how does one prepare for the death of the ones you love. Some of my friends have faced this crucible already, and I see how profoundly it affected them. How will it effect me? I don’t know.  I am not an emotional man, but my grandmother almost had me in tears talking about if this is the end, she had a good life, and that God has been good to her.  I must keep reminding myself to be strong, for those who do not have the strength to be, but sometimes that’s a hard thing to do.

My brother did a song one time, using the chorus from I think an Asia song, “Where do we go from here?”  That chorus echos in my head alot these days.  Where do we go from here?

My Grandmother

My Grandma Jo is probably the most remarkable woman I have ever known. She worked for Sears for 30 years, and she always had Tuesday off, and on her day off she would take the time in my young life to pick me up. Every Tuesday like clockwork. She would do stuff with me like take me fishing, to the park, or to a movie. In fact if it wasn’t for my Grandma, I might not of been into computers. She took me to go see Tron, and Tron sparked my love for all things computer.

She would put me to work any chance she could, whether it would be making a bed, ironing, or helping her make her famous homemade ravioli. She tried to instill in me a work ethic, that would one day get me somewhere. She wouldn’t just put me to work, she would show me the right way to do it. She’s a tough woman, she raised 2 boys on her own, in a time when being divorced wasn’t the norm. Raising my father was no easy task either, let me tell you.

 At 90 years old she still goes bowling, and has higher scores than me, she still commands respect with every man in my family, so much we dare not tell her our screw ups, and she is still with it so much, she never falls for my bullshit.

She’s in the hospital right now, I won’t say it’s bad or good cause I really don’t know at this point. But I love her with all my heart, and hope she pulls through

Monday Hangover

Well the fun started Thursday, after work I had a few beers with some coworkers, then I went and visited the Cougar. I actually had a good time, probably cause there were some people I knew besides the people I went with, and I knew the guy playing that night. Then I ended the night at JW Hollstiens. There was a little drama involved in terms of Tallegdega, and Muffdiver getting into it, and My friends sisters getting into an argument, Nothing I couldn’t handle.

Friday night I met the Cougar at 191, Normally I don’t like that bar because it’s always too crowded, and I like to get my drinks in a timely fashion. This night it was busy, but not overly packed.  I hate going to new places, or bars where I am unfamilar with, cause my inner bouncer shows up and I analyze the place for assholes, or possible problematic people. Once I had a few in me though I started to loosen up.  I do enjoy hanging out with Cougar. She’s a cool chick, and I love giving her shit, sometimes though I go too far with it. Me being the stubborn jackass that I am really feels bad about it.  Then it was off to spend some time with my cousin White Chocolate, and our friend. I love hanging out with my cousin, it brings back so many good memories shared with him.

Saturday was Geek Princess’s birthday, also St. Joseph’s day, and it was a great time. Alot of friends popped up to wish her a happy birthday. It was a country band and I loathe country, but it wasn’t that bad. They played alot of Skynnard which I do like.  I’m a little worried about one of my friends, I think he’s fallen hard for this chick, and this might not bode well for the future. We’ll see how it all plays out though. The end of the night Tallegdega’s sister asked me if I wanted to go to the boat. Me being the idiot I am who loves to have adventure says sure. So we start our adventure, then she ends up falling asleep in my car, at first I was worried, but then I turn the car off to go get some cold, she popped up, screaming it was cold.  Yeah if anything happened to her, I think that would of signed my death warrant. I got her home safe and sound.  Oh yea I did wear red…so Bah Fungol

Sunday just had a few drinks with the friends, nice low key day. Even though I am a perfect gentleman, and no harm, or indecency wouldn’t befall Tallegdegas sister….doesn’t mean we can’t give him shit…and I did.

I got your back

Last night Tallegdega’s sisters got into a little war of words with some douchebags, the glasses came off, and I just made sure the gentleman didn’t lay hands on them. I don’t know if I could of beat the shit out of all four dudes, but if came down to it I was sure going to try. I told the ladies I got their back, and to be honest they were a little too amped up, even though one of the douchebags did call one of them a bitch.  As one of my friends, there will be times when problems come your way, and in those times I got your back, but what does that really mean?

A couple stories illustrate this the most. My family is my life, at my cousins command I would rip out my own heart if he needed it. Many years back my cousin aka White Chocolate got into it with a kid I know at a bar. It almost came to blows, until I stepped in. I told the guy I know, “If you lay one finger on my cousin, I will break your arm, you better just walk away from this”  He did, and all was ok.  This girl who was my love interest at the time yelled at me, “Your cousin was in the wrong, he was acting like a total asshole.” I looked at her in the eyes, and said this, “Right or wrong, I got my cousins back each, and everytime. If he is wrong after the fact I will tell him he his wrong, and I might give him a crack upside the head, but nothing, and I mean nothing will lay a hand on my cousin and not feel my wrath”  She did not seem to grasp this type of loyalty.

A more modern story was at Charlestons where some people threatened my friends. I didn’t give a crap if there were one, or twenty one people.  I went outside to show them the error of their ways, because I got my friends backs.  These fools dared to threaten my friends, and I wasn’t right there when my friends needed me, I was there after the fact, and personally these jagoffs will learn.

 I don’t give a shit about money, jail, injury, or even death, for me there is only loyalty, honor, and respect.  If my brother, cousin, or even one of my friends pulled up and said, “Hey I’m driving to Hell, I got beef with the Devil”  I’d say, “Mother Fucker, Let’s roll I got your back….stop for an Iced Tea on the way though”

If you read this, and I said this to you. You might not quite understand the meaning of it in terms of the depth of which I will go, or stand by your side.

Monday Hangover

Friday I went out for the Germans Birthday, being that it was all you can drink, and my favorite band was playing, Rendition, I have to say I got a little drunk. I did the usual tour of duty, to Teehans, and Durbins. Tallegdega’s cousin got in a bit of an argument with a girl. The bartender asked the bouncers to remove the girl, I told the bouncer to remove the girl. Some more shit popped off, and I got into it with the head bouncer. I told him that the second incident could of been avoided if his bouncers did their job in the first place. We worked it out, but dude I worked as a bouncer for most of my life 15 years, I think I know what the hell I’m doing.  Later Tallegdega, Towelie, Tallegdega’s sister, and and a waittress went to Kickoff’s. It was Towelie’s first time, and I’m proud to say I devirginized him.

Saturday I stayed in, and just watched Jackass 3. Great movie, just stupid sick disgusting humor that I really dig.

Sunday was the Tinley Park Irish Parade. I think the picture says it all, but I’ll add to it. My friends and I started about 10:30, and we did a little Absinthe. That’s about 165 proof. Very tasty…if you like lighting a match on fire and shoving it down your throat. After a few of those, my face was numb. I knew I was ready. JW Holsteins reserved the balcony for us which was really cool for the owner to do for us. I sent him a nice thank you text.  So we stood on the balcony drinking our beers, watching the parade. After words we stayed at JWH drinking, and having fun. For me though it was time to visit some other bars so I stopped at Teehans had a few, then Durbins. 

Durbins is where it got real nutty. It was pretty much Me, Jackass, and Tallegdega who was left of our crew. I think I groped every girl who I came in contact with. I saw some people I haven’t seen in some time which was nice. I ended up taking this drunk chick home in her car. She was actually really cool, and funny. We made out a bit, she wanted to come back to my place, but I knew I couldn’t take her to the madhouse where I live. I got her number, and told her I would call her the next day. I walked back to my car.  It was cold, but I was so happy I could of been walking in the North Pole I wouldn’t care cause I met a new chick who seemed to like me, and I really liked her.  

Monday, I decided to ask this girl out for a few beers and pizza in the afternoon. She told me she didn’t mean to lead me on, and that she was engaged, but still wanted to go out for pizza and beer. I was hurt, probably more than I should of been. I told her to fuck off basically.  I needed to be alone for a bit, but I couldn’t I had to fix my Dad’s computer, and have lunch with him and my brother. Afterwards I went into a movie, Cedar Rapids, it was an ok movie. John C. Reilly made the movie though. It’ll be a good rental.  My mother called me, and I called her back, and she made me mad. She was fishing to what time I would be home, why? so I could get her god forsaken coffee. I told her to get bent in not so many words.  My brother wrote a letter to my Mom once that she was a selfish bitch, sometimes I think he hit the nail on the head.  I’ve come to realize I no longer can live with my mother, she is driving me insane. That my friends is a short drive indeed.

Reason #5 Why I Will Punch You In The Face

Today’s Reason:  Facebook Spam

I know what you’re thinking.  Those bullshit ads that show up on the peripheral of your news’ feed can really be annoying.  I mean, who the flying fuck told them I was interested in combat yoga?!  Anyway, I’m not talking about them.  No, I am referring directly to those sonbitches, you know who you are, who do nothing but post bullshit throughout the day and clog up my feed with their readymade shit.  Look at me, I’m quoting some rap lyric from the 90s.  STFU douche!  No one gives a crap about your stupid ass Ice Cube song from the years when people actually took him seriously as an artist and not the schmuck from those stupid family friendly g-rated for garbage movies he spits out these days.

Tell me you didn’t just post a youtube link up for that exact song.  You fucking monkey spank!  I’m going to calm down for a bit and try and level with you.  If you don’t want to utilize the Facebook for purposes that are somewhat not annoying, of which there are few, then don’t fucking post anything.  You’re not clever.  You’re just a jackass.  Sure, I could just unfriend you or hide you from my feed, but I would rather just punch you in the goddammed face!