Moving On

It’s funny, I always had a special place in my heart for Ginny. It will be hard for me to move on.For the past ten plus years she has been a part of my life in some form or another. She sent me a text out of the blue, saying she was going to post this picture, in the picture it said, ” I was thinking of getting back with my ex, then again I was thinking of taking a shit in my hands and clapping”  How was I suppose to respond to that. I was I that bad of a boyfriend, when her parents kicked her out I took her in, when she needed money I gave her money, when she had any problem, I helped her solve it.  I didn’t beat her, even though she may say I treated her like shit, I gave her a foot massage almost every day. If that’s treating someone like shit, I really would like someone to treat me like shit too.

 When I heard she went on dates, when we were broken up for a short time, then most recently one of my friends saw her out in public all lovey dovey with a guy. Even though I told my friend I didn’t care, I guess it was the final knock out I needed to realize that if I’m easily replaced then maybe I didn’t mean as much to her, as I did . I mean if you loved someone alot don’t you need a little time to heal, and not jump right back into the saddle.

Maybe it’s just me, perhaps I was just a diluted fool. The japanese say you fall down 7 times, you get up 8 times. It’s one thing us Cavelles are good at it’s surviving, so I’ll pick myself up once more, dust myself up, and live my life.

It started yesterday, there I was  at my favorite bar, with my favorite friends in the whole world, watching my favorite football team, beat up a team I hate, at the end I had pretty girls dancing with me, and I was having tons of fun, and sharing tons of laughs. 

Life is good.

Emptiness

I think I finally snapped, between what has all happened. From seeing my mother, trying to pull against her restraints, and in a state of madness, from seeing my dad look like he was near death, the profound sadness over my best friend’s father, or  to having a knife stuck in my heart by my ex-girlfriend.

I feel empty, devoid, numb like there’s no more emotion in me, things just aren’t making me happy like they use too. . It’s not depression, cause sadness would be something. I feel like a robot, or I was made of stone. Usually I get real excited about the annual Tinley Park block party. Not this year, I just don’t even feel like going. I’m kind of forcing myself, going through the motions so to speak. I thought getting my hair dyed blonde would kickstart something, it just didn’t do the trick.

Maybe given time I’ll get back to my old self, but the times have changed, things have changed….perhaps my old self is gone.

There is no normal life, just life

“There is no normal life, just life” – Val Kilmer as Doc Holiday from the movie Tombstone.

One of my favorite lines from a movie. I would love for once my life was normal though. To be married, a good job, kids….that isn’t my lot in life. My life has been anything but normal…jail…mental institute, college, every job known to man, love, hate, death, and pain. I seen it all.  Any man who says he doesn’t have regrets is either a simpleton, or a fool.  I have legions of them.

There are times I curse God, Destiny, or whatever power that has been guiding my life. I haved begged those same powers for release of these chains of whatever fate they have condemned me to. I have fought, and rattled these chains to the bursting point. The sad thing is at every greatest tragedy of my life, at the heart of every regret, there is no God to blame, fate had nothing to do with it. In the dark hours of the night as I lay in bed, or I look myself in the mirror I know who the enemy is, I know who, and what to blame for my failings.

That person is me.

Corruption

In my life I denied myself nothing, if I wanted a piece of chocolate cake I would eat it, if I wanted a line of coke I would snort it, if I wanted to down a bottle of Jack Daniels, I would do so.

Willpower is not my strong suit, never has been. There are times in my life where I pulled thing together, and accomplished something, but things have to be real rock bottom.  I’m not in dire straights, or rock bottom…but shits got to change for reals.

It will be a hard road, but I decided to enlist some help. I joined an online fitness website, to help motivate, and help me achieve my goals.  Next year I will be at my company 5 years, that will give me 3 weeks vacation. Just enough time to heal for a surgery.  If I don’t reach 275 by my 40th birthday, I will be going in for a gastric bypass.

For me it’s literally do or die. My flesh, and my body is paying the price for my hedonism, I am corrupt body, and soul.

It’s time I put a stop to this, if not I should start shopping around for coffins.

What Might Be

It’s funny people claim to know me, they know nothing.

For me there is no “What could of been?”, or “What might be?”  There is none of that for me. I know my fate, I know my destiny. My life is a constant state of war…my demons are legion. Sometimes you must let go of something you love, because you know in the end you will only hurt that which you love.  Do you know what it’s like to be offered everything you ever wanted, and you must refuse because you know you would only destroy it? I do.

Sometimes a girl comes along that gives me respite, and I fantasize about a normal life for a moment, a life filled with children, and marriage. A normal life, a life where I die of old age surrounded by my family.  Then reality seeps in and I realize I must let go of that girl, let her find her own happiness. For a life with me is a bitter struggle. A struggle I let no one see, for I can not allow myself a moment of weakness. I will go to the grave with my burdens, and I will not allow anyone shoulder my pain for an instant. I must be made of sterner stuff, I must be made of Iron…Iron within….Iron without.

As much pain, and sadness I deal with how can I still laugh, and find enjoyment in life….because of all people I know how precious that life is. It can all be taken away in an instant. As the Gods mock and laugh at me, I laugh back.  There are many a drunken nights I stare up at the sky, and I challenge God to smite me. He knows letting me live is a far better curse then death could ever be.  

For the last couple weeks I knew the Ginny was getting close, and at one point I thought maybe I could escape my fate, the the Gods have blessed me with a reprieve. It was not to be.   I tried to push her away, but in a moment of weakness I allowed myself to dream. Today I let her go for good. I cut her out of my life. I have to. I must find the courage, and the strength to keep it this way. Monsters do not have happy endings, and I love this girl so much she deserves one. 

 

Monday Hangover

First off Happy Halloween Kiddies.

Friday – I just stayed home and relaxed.

Saturday – I went to a house party with the Ginny. She dressed as Snow White, and she does actually make a pretty good snow white. I was a little low on the funds so going to a house party was really good on the pocket book if you know what I mean.  I dressed in my Nun outfit, took my friends advice put some socks instead of tissue in there, tried to make them bigger. The Ginny’s friend made a gladiator armor with beer cans, I have to say I was impressed. It was a fun time meeting new people, but I had to head home to JWH, and Durbs for one. Everyone there got a kick out of my costume.  Geek Princess and Nascar we’re the only one’s out. Geek Princess was out of control, I thank god my titties were fake, they would of been all bruised the fuck up, and Nascar was a little out of control too. They both were given one hour. went out

Sunday – Went out with my grandpa. Then went out for a few with Jackass, Torino, and Commando. Even Frumpy was there for a couple. We all headed to JWH, and Frumpy went home as usual. I decided to wear my viking helmet there. It was good for a couple laughs. I went home early.

Monday Hangover

Friday – I pretty much ate dinner, then passed out. Woke up at like 1am, went midnight shopping. Picked up my bra for my nun costume.

Saturday – Ah…Geek Princesses costume party. I dressed as a nun. I was ran out of tissue for my bra to stuff so they weren’t as big as I liked, but all the girls told me next time to stuff it with socks. Well you do learn something everyday. Everyone looked great, and it was a real fun time. Jackass, and Torino were smashed…I think drinking right from the gallon jug of apple pie shots had something to do with it. I actually won the costume contest, I guess the sisterhood felt that anyone who volunteerly puts on a bra deserves something. I thought Luigi should of won, she really did look like an Italian Plumber. Dance party was going, and RJ and Commando were up on chairs dancing, food was great. Jackass was so messed up he kept falling, and pissing in the yard. I haven’t seen him that messed up in quite some time.

Well it was all fun and games unitl Tallegdega’s sister who I will call Tyson, as in Mike Tyson flipped a lid. There are some people that shouldn’t mess with the fire water, Tyson is one of those people. She started by calling Commando a cunt, which is shocking in itself, then she went on to do battle with a bartender from JWH. After holding her back she calmed down…so I thought. Tyson then started fighting with her sister. They went all the way down the block. I thought I should put an end to this. Geek Princess said she wanted to come with and help. We seperated the sisters, then Tyson attacked Geek Princess. I was like HOLY SHIT….I seperated the two. Geek Princess wondering where her shoes were, was grabbed by Tyson again by the hair. That’s when Geek Princess flipped the fuck out, screaming, “You want some hair bitch, I’ll give you some hair”  Geek Princess started fisticuffing, landing some good gut blows. I broke it up again, and Geek Princess got out of there. Low and behold the police showed up.  They asked me what was going on, of course the usual…I didn’t see shit.

Well needless to say everyone hates Tyson now, and I can’t really blame them, but a part of me pity’s her to. It’s a shame really how a good time could be ruined by one person, but also I think that person has some demons, and some real personal issues they need to work through.  I don’t know but I got to say I got my Cat Fight quota in for the year I think, and my dreams of being a referee for the UFC isn’t far off.

Sunday – Just Bears game, and it was just a part two of me, Jackass, and Torino being really drunk and stupid.  Went home pretty early.

There is No Peace

I will get back to my friend’s posts next week, I want to take a little break. A friend asked me where, or what do I find peace in. I will give you the truth. I will give you a glimpse of what it really means to be the River.

There is no peace for me. I bare the mark of Chaos for a reason, My life is a constant struggle, and I must stay ever vigilant lest I fail.  From the earliest moments of my life since I was bigger then everyone, I was either made fun of, or tested. I would have to fight, or back down. I chose to fight. I use to be in trouble alot in school for fighting. They thought I was learning disabled, or some sort of defect in school. Until I proved them wrong. Later in life I struggled with my demons, of gambling, drugs, booze, my weight, and many more problems I can’t even begin to list. Every breath I take is a small victory, every laugh is in defiance of the order of things. 

Since I have been at War with everything around me for so long, things like Hate, Anger, Destruction come easy for me. Love does not, I can not allow myself such luxuries. No Tears, No complaints, No Fear.  For I feel the minute I let go of such things I feel I will lose, I will just give up, I will then be dead. 

How can I be so upbeat, and be able to have a good time etc. Well I consider myself a warrior, or pirate of old. In face of certain death, they would laugh. Why? Cause they knew that life is measured not by how long, but how you lived. They knew that life wasn’t about winning or losing, life was the struggle. Without the bad, there is no good, without pain, there is no joy.

There are times in my life when I try to break this mold set for me, my fate if you will. Try to find love, or some sort of happiness, or peace something happens and that illusion shatters, but I try again and again like a fool hoping one day I will find some rest, and peace.  I would say maybe the grave will offer the respite I require, but even that is not guaranteed. Is there heaven or hell? I hope not I pray for the sweet oblivion of the grave holds the rest I long for.   One day I will find out….today is not that day.

Cleaning Out My Closet

Next week I will continue my friends series with Commando, Torino, Nascar, Towelie, RJ, Frumpy, Tallegdega…and so many more.

Now I kind of want to get something of my chest. My Mother. She called me a dick the other night, and it kind of hurt. I am many things, but a dick I do not think I am.

Let’s start the beginning, My Mother and I were best friends, we’d go shopping together, hang out together, I was her little shadow back in the day. It took a drastic change when she ran out on my father. The reason was over financial stuff. I am an idealist, I think marriage is for better, or for worse. When she ran out it hurt me deeply, Not only that it hurt my father deeply, and I had to watch him go through a deep depression. My family unit was destroyed, and I blamed my mother. In hindsight I know it takes two to tango, and my Dad wasn’t perfect, but that’s what marriages are about you work things out. Probably deep down I never really forgave my Mom for this, and the hate still simmers under the service. Her mercenary tendencies always rubbed me the wrong way, probably why I don’t give a shit about money.

Years later I found out my Mom had cancer, and I put my hate aside, and was by her side when she battled that disease, driving her to radiology treatments, visiting hospitals, trying to toss a doctor out the window. One time my mom was getting a tube down her throat, and the young doctor was doing it wrong, my Mom knew he was cause she was a nurse, she screamed for him to stop, he didn’t, he punctured her lung. I was there when it happened, my brother, and some other family members had to physically stop me from tossing the doctor out a 5 story window.

Ever since then I’ve always been there for my Mom, visiting her, helping her, shopping for her, etc. etc. Then disaster struck my Stepdad had a stroke. He’s a good man, and when he moved back home, My Mother asked me to move back in with her to help her out. I did, and in the beginning it was just me. I changed the diapers, got him into bed, all that fun stuff. No one else was there, not even the guys own daughter. That seems to of slipped my mother’s mind. 

Another problem is my Mom’s gambling, she gambles ALOT. Like 2-3 days a week for 8-10 hours. She has a serious problem, she doesn’t see it. Being an old gambling junkee myself I know, I been there. Hell I still crack up now and then and go to the boat. Here’s the difference between me and my mother, I don’t have a paraylzed man to worry about at home. I know my Mom is depressed, she needs real help, but she refuses to listen. I remember telling my Mom, we have to tighten our belts, I told her she didn’t need nurses everyday, I would pick up the slack on Mondays, Tuesdays, even Wendesdays. Told her she needed to stop gambling, and buying stuff she doesn’t need, which she does all the time. She never made those changes. In fact her and me would get into screaming matches over it, and she would tell me I’m not her father.

It all hit a head when I forbade my Mother to go to my Grandmother’s wake, it’s my fathers mother, he had a hard time dealing with it I didn’t want her complicating any thing. My Mother told me to get the fuck out, I said fine I will. Thats when I made steps to get the fuck out. Then she wanted to pay rent, now I wouldn’t mind helping my mother out if she really needed help, but where is my money going…to the boat? Now that I’m moving out, My Mother is still a hard headed person, even now if she said to me she was sorry, and that she really needed my help, please don’t leave. I most assuredly wouldn’t. No not my mother, she villifies me, makes me look like the bad guy.

So be it, say hello to the bad guy. I won’t stop helping my Mom, I will be there to do her shopping, and odd chores around the house. I just can’t live with her anymore.  I am profoundly sad at this situation, and now I feel pangs of guilt…but I must do what must be done, perhaps some good will come out of this, perhaps my mother will come to her senses.

I just don’t know anymore.

The Ginny Brat

Well Ginny is upset I left her out of my blog as of late. So I thought I would give her what she wishes.

Let’s start at the beginning, I call her Ginny as in Spoiled Ginny Brat, Not because she spoiled or a brat. She is a Ginny though,and looks like Connie in the movie Godfather. In that movie she gets in a fight with her man, and he calls he a Spoiled Ginny Brat, and like the movie if someone did that to her, I would take a garbage can to his fucking head.

Me and Ginny go long way back, she’s quite the shy girl, I remember my first meeting with her. She came into the  break room at Walmart. I said to her, “Hi, there, I’m River. You know my Cousin (Who happens to be White Chocolate)”  Her Reply, “Yeah…So”  I was speechless. I was like…Ok then.

Let me give you a little background. I was working at Walmart, I was laid off at Governors State, and it was kind of a dark time for me. I had no money to speak of, and just in a state of depression.

Over the years though Ginny dated some friends of mine, and we became friends. At one point her, me, and my cousin were like three peas in a pod. I remember one time I was at home sleeping, then I get woken up by my cousin, and Ginny going, “Let’s spoon cousin”, and Ginny going, “I love to spoon” …God I hope that was Ginny liking my ear. I kicked the drunkards out…but it was funny none the less.  Ginny likes to really pick the creme of the crop of douchebags for the men she dates, and when things went sour she would hang out with my cousin, and me. Which was ok by me, a pretty girl is always welcome to hang out with me, especially at this time of my life. 

So at this time, I drove on a suspended license, among other nefarious things, and once in a while I would get pulled over, and arrested. A couple of those times Ginny was with me, and each and every time she came through to bail me out, when she didn’t have to. When I was down in the dumps and broke, I remember she would call me up to go out for drinks, and she would pay.  I remember she would do just goofy shit, like one time she tried to strip on a pole, and fell off the strippers pole, or be so drunk she just pee’d on a tree in front of her house. 

She really made me a laugh, at a period in my life when I really needed it. That’s when I fucked up and developed feelings for her, she let me down gently, but it still broke my heart. She still deserved my loyalty and earned my respect because she never stopped being my friend. I vowed she might not be my girlfriend, but I will always try to be there for her when I can.

Fast Forward a Bit she was dating a real winner, I won’t speak ill of him but I will call him Douchebag, or DB for short.  DB has alot of his own demons, and didn’t treat Ginny very well, to the point where I was gonna drop a hammer on him at one point, but DB and Ginny broke up. I thought that Ginny could use a real nice guy, and there is none nicer then the German. My mistake, Ginny had a few demons to work out, and left the German to go back to DB.

Here is my quandary,and my ultimate mistake  both these people are my friends, it will be the first time I played matchmaker, and the last. Sure between people things don’t work out sometimes, and when just one is your friend is easier. When both the broken up parties are your friend then it’s fucking tough as hell.

Present Day – Ginny broke up with DB again, and German is still trying to get over her. I understand his pain, I’ve been there before. Ginny has been spending alot of time with me, and I her. It’s dredged up some of the old feelings I had for her. Sadly the mockery of my life is that my life is one of loneliness. I walked dark paths in my life, and it has corrupted my soul, my flesh, my heart.  The Gods mock me, by laying out my dreams before me to show me what could have been, alas it’s all illusions. Like dew it is gone in the morning light, and fades like a flower all too soon. As much as I fight my fate, and hope that one day I can attain my dreams of a normal life.  I know the truth, there is no normal life…just life. I don’t think I could ever be the guy the Ginny needs in her life….I have way too many demons. I just pray she finds someone to make her happy.  

Where does this story end, where do we go from here?  I don’t know. All I know are two things, Ginny is my friend, and has a special place in my heart, not because she looks good, or because the way she makes me feel, it’s because she has been there for me in my corner, time and time again. She has a special place in my heart because she earned it, and I do love her, but that love is unconditional. I don’t care who she is with, or where she is at, I will always love her, and I will always be there for her, if I can, and if she asks it.

 The other thing I know is I never seen a girl demolish crab like I seen this girl . We went out to all you can eat crab dinner once, she was like watching some National Geographic TV show.  I been known to eat alot, but this girl stacked so much crab on her plate, I was like god damn. I was afraid if I got my finger to close, she would try to crack that thing open.   I got to say I was a little turned on by it, yet a little scared.