Strange Dream

I usually don’t remember my dreams, but I had a wierd one last night and the strange thing is I remembered it.

Ok this is what I remember…I was sitting in a kitchen. It was the kitchen of the house I grew up in. I hear a doorbell. I answer the door, at first I don’t see anyone there, then I look off to the side a bit. There is my old friend Tony. Tony is one of my oldest friends, but alas he past away a long time ago. He looks the same as he always did, wierd thing is in the dream I kind of knew he was dead, but it didn’t phase me.

So I invite him in, we start talking about our fathers. I mention how I worry about my father now that’s he’s growing older. Tony is worried to, and says he looks in on his father from time to time. We sit in the kitchen, and I ask Tony why he was here. He goes, ” I got something for you” . He hand me two little signs saying something I couldn’t make out what they said. I looked at him, and said, “I don’t know what these mean”  He goes you will when the time comes”

Then that’s the end of the dream, but it’s killing me to find out what the signs said. Were they some warning of doom from the other side, or did I eat something that didn’t agrree with me.  I guess I’ll never know.

There is No Peace

I will get back to my friend’s posts next week, I want to take a little break. A friend asked me where, or what do I find peace in. I will give you the truth. I will give you a glimpse of what it really means to be the River.

There is no peace for me. I bare the mark of Chaos for a reason, My life is a constant struggle, and I must stay ever vigilant lest I fail.  From the earliest moments of my life since I was bigger then everyone, I was either made fun of, or tested. I would have to fight, or back down. I chose to fight. I use to be in trouble alot in school for fighting. They thought I was learning disabled, or some sort of defect in school. Until I proved them wrong. Later in life I struggled with my demons, of gambling, drugs, booze, my weight, and many more problems I can’t even begin to list. Every breath I take is a small victory, every laugh is in defiance of the order of things. 

Since I have been at War with everything around me for so long, things like Hate, Anger, Destruction come easy for me. Love does not, I can not allow myself such luxuries. No Tears, No complaints, No Fear.  For I feel the minute I let go of such things I feel I will lose, I will just give up, I will then be dead. 

How can I be so upbeat, and be able to have a good time etc. Well I consider myself a warrior, or pirate of old. In face of certain death, they would laugh. Why? Cause they knew that life is measured not by how long, but how you lived. They knew that life wasn’t about winning or losing, life was the struggle. Without the bad, there is no good, without pain, there is no joy.

There are times in my life when I try to break this mold set for me, my fate if you will. Try to find love, or some sort of happiness, or peace something happens and that illusion shatters, but I try again and again like a fool hoping one day I will find some rest, and peace.  I would say maybe the grave will offer the respite I require, but even that is not guaranteed. Is there heaven or hell? I hope not I pray for the sweet oblivion of the grave holds the rest I long for.   One day I will find out….today is not that day.

The Sanctity of Marriage

Being the Idealist I am a big believer in the instituition of marriage, I always have.  Marriage is an Ideal to me. It is a vow in front of your peers, family, and God to make a commitment unto death.

Some of my issues with my mother started way back when. She divorced my father over the worst thing for me to divorce someone for financial. My Dad like me isn’t a financial whiz, but he was a great salesman, but like all sales sometimes business just sucks. So my Mom for a bit was the major bread winner. I guess she didn’t like that, so she left.  I went through a hard time with my dad, because of it. I’ve seen my brother, friends, and other family go through their trials and tribulations with marriage as well.

Perhaps I am a fool, perhaps the goal of marrying the woman I love, and growing old with her is a outdated concept, but I have been a fool for much assanine reasons. I cringe whenever I see a girl or guy cheating on their marriage, not that I feel they are bad people, I just feel that you make a vow/promise you keep it, that’s just me though. I rarely hold people up to the the high standards that I hold myself with.

Married men say I don’t know how good I got it. They only remember the good things about being single, their is some bad things. I think also I really like the idea of a team conquering and going through life, and not just myself.  As for me I look forward to someday calling a girl my wife, but you know, The plans of mice and men often goes awry.

 

 

 

Monday Hangover

Friday – Started off low key, and ramped up real mother fucking quick. Went out for some beer and pizza, and alot of my friend we’re already in the bag, not half way…but all the way in the bag. Alot of drama that day too, even the German made a remark. It was Sunday Funday, it was serious Friday. As for myself I find it humourous when there’s little melodramas within the group.  Like Frumpy was upset at Commando, and Geek Princess.  Frumpy was so angry she even told me to Fuck off. It was funny. The first shift of drunkies went home, and left me with Towelie, and RJ, even the German was out later then everyone else. The German finally went home, then it happened.   White Chocolate happened. My brother, my cousin White Chocolate, and my friend the “V” came out….when this happens no good comes of it. We went to Kickoffs, and from there the boat. I didn’t roll in until the sun was hitting my vampiric ass.

Saturday -  Went out with my Grandfather, there was mass for my Grandmother, I thought it would be nice if we went together, then we had dinner. After that Geek Princess had a little party. For awhile I was the only penis there, and oddly enough I don’t like to be around large packs of girls, the conversation turns to boys oft times, and I really don’t have anything to add. No shit men are scum, that’s why I don’t date them. LOL!. Anywho Church had me all messed in the head, it always does. So I wasn’t feeling the drinking. I ended up at Durbins with all these drunk bartenders, and waitresses.  Wondering how do I end up in these situations.

I sat for awhile alone after all was said and done, and smoke a cigar while sitting on a bench contemplating my life. I feel that change is in the air, I think it’s time to heed the call.

Sunday – Was a laid back kind of day, stopped by Stitches house for a party, then went out after for a few beers.

Monday – Went out for some Hooters with a friend of mine, ran into Jackass at JWH. and caught Hangover 2. I liked it alot. As good as the first one? No, but still good.

Rapture This Saturday

Well it’s the end of the world…again. I can’t wait. It would be awesome less people around. All the chicks will be the bad ones. We get a cool new tattoo with the mark of the beast.

Seriously though to be honest, every year this damn world is supposed to end, yet we’re still here. Heck I think we the human race are better at cockroaches when it comes to adapting, and surviving.

One of these days some omnipotent God is going to turn on the light switch, and we’re all going to scatter running towards under the proverbial fridge.

Could there be an end of the world? Sure when the Sun dies in 10 trillion years, I’d be an ignoramous to say it wouldn’t. Now will it end Saturday, lets just say I have a better chance fucking Miss America in the ass Saturday.

So if there are less people around, and my dick smells like Miss America’s shit…we’re all in trouble.

Monday Hangover

So after a week of debauchery I put the cherry on the top, and wind it down.

Friday – I went out for a few to Chicago Blue with Jackass, Torino, Commando, Geek Princess, and Talladega, it was a nice quiet time, we had some food had some laughs, I went home early bout 7pm, and called it a night.  Though Jackass tried to get me out, I just wanted to stay in.

Saturday – We had a big party for #1, OCD, and RJ. We started at Talladega’s and I polished of a half bottle of Whiskey myself, as well as many apple pie shots. Then we headed to JWH for the party. The band the Walk-ins were great. I got really drunk, a couple of things of note. I made out with Geek Princess for a photo op, I was cracking myself up. Then I tried to get OCD to break her New Years Resolution to not make out in a bar, she did resist me….I have 6 months left, and it’s going to be a long summer I think. Talladega got a little angry at Commando, over Frumpy but I think it’s more of a misunderstanding, and it will blow over soon. Went to Teehans, and Durbins it was blah there. Then I stopped at Jackass’s place for the after party.  I think Angry River was taking hold, and I had to leave the tomfoolery.

Sunday – I went to my Father’s for Easter, and then I went to my Grandpa’s spent some time with him.  Being the first Holiday without my Grandma it was a bit hard. I went to JWH, and Jackass was in rare form. Doing the worm, having his pants around his ankles, and at one point ripping his underwear off. We had a good laugh, I told him why don’t he take a shit in the mailbox, so he tried to get up to the mailbox but couldn’t. He had his pants half off, and I had two drinks in my hand. So I turned around so he could hop on my back. Then I heard a JWH bartender drive past and she was catcalling us. Then I realized how gay that it looked. We laughed so hard, and I needed that laugh.

I just want to say this, I have a couple of friends hurting right now over love issues, and I have to fucking laugh. They are in torment, because they love someone and they don’t love them, or they are torn between two loves, etc…etc.. They think they are in hell. They have no concept of what hell is. Me? Oh I know what Hell is, it’s my summer home.

Well I had a little over a week to avoid my problems, now it’s back to business. Get things back in order. Change is here, and I must heed it.

Death is only the beginning…

“Death is only the beginning” – The Mummy

A friend of mine brought up something that really strikes close to home for me. They mentioned that they were confused about Heaven, and Hell, The Afterlife, and so on. We really didn’t get to talk about it much.

I spent my life in search of demons, ghosts, and things that go bump in the night. I have seen some weird shit indeed, but I have never seen anything that confirmed the truth of what lies beyond the veil of death.  I walked lengths of cemetaries, and visited more seances I care to mention. All of these things have not convinced me what lies in the beyond.

“Satan said with a sigh, Christians know more about their hell than I”  ~ Alfred Kreymborg

When Missionaries went to Alaska to try to convert Eskimos they told them about a fiery hell, the Eskimos didn’t convert because to them a fiery hell sounded like a respite from their frozen wasteland.

Alot of what happens after death is based in faith, and belief. My beliefs, and my faith differ from yours, but that’s what religion offers a group of people aligned with our belief, faith, and  morales. Is Christian Heaven, any better than Muslim Heaven….or is Muslim Hell worse than Christian Hell? 

The truth of the matter is none of us really truly know, but if you believe in something with all your heart it doesn’t hurt to believe in something. Even Albert Einstein said there may not be a God, but what harm does it do if you believe in one. None, so keep believing in what you find in your heart to be true. 

“Live every day as if it’s last, because one of these days your going to be right” – Frank Sinatra.

One thing I have come to learn as I delve into things like Zen Buddhism is to be mindful of the present.  My personal belief doesn’t matter, what ever will happen, will. I can’t avoid my fate so why sit there worrying what may come to pass, when I can enjoy the moment, live in the moment and experience what is, and not worry away my life on what could be.  Create your own heaven here on earth, for some of us we create our own hell.

One day I will find out the truth, but I’m in no hurry….are you?

Forsaken

“Even the Devil can quote scripture to suit his purpose” ~ Shakespeare.

I use to be highly religious to the point of being a bible thumper. In my young age I read the bible devoutly to the point I can still quote, or find scripture very easily. I remember I use to go to a church called Christian Hills, I loved it. Had friends there. Went to Christian Summer Camps.  Sure I was no angel, but I tried to be a good boy. From as long as I can remember, I’ve always heard God had a plan for me.  

“The Enemy of my Enemy is my friend” ~ Sun Tzu – The Art of War.

That all changed, when my family hit hard times, and my parents got a divorce. My life fell out of whack. That which I thought was rock solid, was now gone. My personal life was spinning out of control as well. Was this God’s plan? Was this his doing? It had to be. My hatred for God burned bright. I had to escape the shackles of fate. I tried many things over my life, such as gambling, drugs, violence, but during the early years I tried to learn if there was a way I could escape the bondage of God. I turned to the works of his enemies, whether it was Pagan god, or Lucifer himself.

“Tis better to rule in hell, then to serve in heaven” ~ Milton, Paradise Lost.

In those years I absorbed and read more books on the occult then I care to mention, I walked Library halls, scanned old bookstores, even looked in obscure places like garage sales. Anywhere I could find a book on a topic like witchcraft, or demonology I would buy it, and read it. I started off with Wicca, and Pagan belief systems, they were to carebearish for me. White magic, or magic that only helped. I had too much Hate, and Anger. As my life began taking darker paths, and friends started killing themselves for one reason or another. I wanted to crush the gates of Heaven and make God pay for what he had done.

I turned to his enemy himself. Satan. I began reading books like the Satanic Bible, Book of Shadows, Necronomicon, Egyptian Funeral Magic. I joined things like the Temple of Set. Walked cemeteries masked and robed with covens of worshippers of his Infernal majesty. I have seen and witnessed things that would probably curdle most people’s blood. For a gambling, drug using, drinking person who enjoyed inflicting pain on others, being a Satanist really was just a cherry on the top.

“The only person you can control is yourself” – Zen Buddhist Tenet

Years ago when I was sitting in the Mental Hospital after trying to commit suicide, I had to let go of all the Hate. Hate for God, Hate for myself. I came to realize that whatever my fate is I can not escape it through mystical means, or worldly means. I can not control the universe. I can only control myself.  Do I still hate God? No. Actually I believe no matter who or what we our, we serve his purpose whether it be for good or ill. You can not have good with out evil. I believe that perhaps the Old Testament had it right. I don’t think Satan is the embodiment of evil, I think he is just a tester of man. Sent here to test our meddle. If God is perfect, then his creations are perfect, his plans are perfect, then he must have a plan for all of this, and evil, and bad things MUST be a part of that plan. Whether he allows the Devil to do it, and turns a blind eye to it, or he does it himself.

Am I afraid of hell? No, when it comes time for me to meet my maker I will answer for my crimes against me with my head held high. The bible says to “Prove all things, and hold fast to what is true”  Thessalonians 5:21   I was searching for answers, for escape, for the truth.

Did I find what I was searching for? Yes in a matter of speaking. I found that the answers don’t lie in a musty tome. They lie within myself. Even though I am no longer a worshipper of Satan, and that I feel more at peace with myself and the universe then I ever have in my life, I sometimes feel tainted, damned, or even forsaken for the paths I walked.

I will let you know though, there are dark things in this universe, and they do hunger for your soul.

Sold his Soul

Many Moons ago, I use to hang out at the biggest hive of scum and villiany, the Tinley Park Bowling Alley. Where me and my misfit friends would hang out in the arcade, while our older friends would get us pitchers of beer. I was not yet 21 at this point of my life. There was one friend, who was my arch nemesis, and best friend all the same time. We would do battle on fighting games all the time. Street Fighter 2, or Mortal Kombat being our main ones. We were the best at those games. Our battles were epic.  It spurred my love for video games, and thus ultimately computers. His name was Greg Sans, and that is his real name. I’ll get to why I am using his real name, and breaking my personal code in a bit.  Greg was typical stoner, long hair, and always wore a leather jacket, actually I think he even wore that damn thing in the summer. Some sort of satanic metal band adorned T-shirt, and beat up and ripped jeans, and that was before it was fashionable. Greg drank, and did drugs with the best of them, and back then I was one of the best too.

A couple of weeks went by and I didn’t see Greg, before cell phones really, so I just figured he was getting high somewhere, or partying like a rock star. Then one day Greg walks into the Arcade with his hair cut, wearing a bright colored sweater, and nice pants. My jaw almost hit the floor. I asked, “What the hell happened to you, Greg? You go to jail, and had to clean up for court?”  Greg replied, “No, can I talk to you alone for a second?”  I responded, “Sure”

So we went outside, and he progressed to tell me what happened, ” Listen I have to tell you, I found Jesus. I was with a friend, and we we’re smoking weed, and we had the idea of selling our souls. So we wrote something down, and cut our hands, put blood on it, and burned it. I felt my soul leaving my body, I felt empty, and I was more scared then I ever was. I ran to church the next day. I begged Jesus into my life, and I feel redeemed. The reason I am here is I feel your on the path of darkness like I was, and I don’t want that for you man. Come with me to church.”   I asked him out of curiosity what church, he replied, “Christian Hills”  I laughed so hard, the church of my childhood. When I did love God, and Christ. Now though there was no love, for anything and I told him, “Greg there is no love in my heart for your God, and if you persist on pestering me there will be no love for you.”  He replied back, ” I just don’t want Satan to get your soul man.”  I answered, “Too late for that.”  I walked away.

The reason I mention Greg’s real name. I was always curious as to what happened to him, if he found peace through God. I miss the competitions we had, the rivalry. I never wished him any ill will, it’s just I was in a very dark place in my life then. I sometimes wonder do we have souls to sell? Can we damn ourselves? I do not know, but back then I was determined to find out. Tomorrow I will take you down the paths I walked as I studied the dark arts, and the occult.

You got a match?

Everyone is in an uproar over this guy burning the Qu’ran, or Koran if your south of the Mason-Dixon line. The funniest thing was all these politicians, religious leaders speaking out against it, then there’s Angelina Jolie. First off when Angelina becomes my morale, or anyone else’s morale compass something fucking wrong here. She still carry vials of blood around with her.

Now I’m not saying he’s right or wrong, cause really it’s futile, burning those things won’t do anything. Futility always equals stupidity. Also Muslims burn shit all the time, our flag, effigies of our leaders, etc, etc…look how well it works for them. People that live in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones, and Muslims throw alot of stones, probably cause they are still living in the god damn stone age.

I say let this guy burn the shit up, quit making such a huge deal out of it cause the more people do, it’s going to make this event larger then the piss poor ho dunk of a congregation is. His church has only 50 people in it, shit I could start a church tomorrow, call it the Church of the  Pastafarrian,  and have more people in it.

 Here is the greatest thing about America though, He has the right to do this type of bat ass crazy shit. Like I said even though he’s stupid, ignorant, and dumb for doing it, I still support the right that he can do it.

If your Christian, you believe in Jesus Christ, how can a religon hate so much if they worship a man that was about peace, love and compassion. I don’t understand this, and if you are a Christian you should really read your bible, and chew on what Jesus, and what he was trying to teach.

“Let him who is without sin among you be the first to throw a stone at her.” John 8:7

No wonder I am so disillusioned by religons….

One thing is for certain this Pastor Terry Jones never heard the old saying, “It is better to keep your mouth shut, and appear a fool, then to open it, and remove all doubt”