Here I Go Again On My Own

I had to break up with the one I love. It was very hard because I love her to death. I won’t go into details, but when I needed her love and compassion the most, she only gave me pain, and heartache. I thought she was the one. I thought she was my last. She proved me wrong. I bare her no ill will. I wish her the best, and I hope she finds happiness. Does it hurt? Yes more than you can imagine, but then again pain and misery I felt so much in my life at some point you just become numb to it.

My mother is in the hospital again, and this time it isn’t good. It’s hard to visit her because she is delirous, so much so she is in restraints, and to see someone you love in restraints is enough to drive you to anger. When I get angry, bad things happen. I swear I’m on a knives edge, and about to toss someone out the fucking window at the hospital, but my Mom is only on the second floor, that person won’t get hurt.  I found out Friday that they found Cancer in her colon when they did the operation to repair her messed up colon. They have to run more tests to see how bad it is, they can’t right now because she has to heal from her operation.

Meanwhile I have to spend nights at my mothers, because my stepdad is in such bad shape, he can’t be left alone. I am having a rough time sleeping there, and thank God I can run World of Warcraft off my Mom’s computer, only thing that is keeping me somewhat sane. I have a little resentment towards the fact that the duty falls on my head, but my nephew stepped up one day, let me recharge my battery. I used that day to visit friends, and thank god for my friends. I had so many laughs Sunday, it really did do me good. What will happen to him if something happens to my mother, I don’t know. I really don’t.

Well as bleak as things may seem. I know that this too shall pass, and I’m quite stocked up on whiskey at the house so that’s a good thing

 

There is no normal life, just life

“There is no normal life, just life” – Val Kilmer as Doc Holiday from the movie Tombstone.

One of my favorite lines from a movie. I would love for once my life was normal though. To be married, a good job, kids….that isn’t my lot in life. My life has been anything but normal…jail…mental institute, college, every job known to man, love, hate, death, and pain. I seen it all.  Any man who says he doesn’t have regrets is either a simpleton, or a fool.  I have legions of them.

There are times I curse God, Destiny, or whatever power that has been guiding my life. I haved begged those same powers for release of these chains of whatever fate they have condemned me to. I have fought, and rattled these chains to the bursting point. The sad thing is at every greatest tragedy of my life, at the heart of every regret, there is no God to blame, fate had nothing to do with it. In the dark hours of the night as I lay in bed, or I look myself in the mirror I know who the enemy is, I know who, and what to blame for my failings.

That person is me.

Birthday Hangover

I like to celebrate my birthday for a few days, to me it’s a high holiday. It’s not a celebration of my birth, it’s a celbration of surviving another year.

Wow 39, it’s still mind boggling to me, one step away from 40. Who knew I would see this age, and be where I’m at today.

Friday – I went to an all you can eat seafood buffet, holy shit I hit it hard, too hard. I think I overdid it so much, I still haven’t normalized. The buffet was on the riverboat, so I did a little gambling, won a bit of money, nothing fantastic.

Saturday – It was my Pimp and Hoes Party, and what a great time it was. My female friends all “Ho’d” out for me, and even some of the guys got into the act. It was the complete opposite of my last birthday, which was spent in the hospital. I just wish I could remember more, I remember stuffing Jackass in my trunk and going to Kickoff’s, when I opened the trunk and Jackass popped out the people next to my car was stunned. I have to admit, I did smoke some weed that night as well. On my birthday or around I tend to get a little goofy, and I had a hankering for some weed. I use to smoke it all the time back in the day. Well the end result was me passing out in Jackass parking lot.

Sunday – Running on one hours sleep, I showered, and came back to start drinking again, I was hurting but I kept going until 11pm, The funniest thing this day was Jackass lighting his farts in the beer garden.

Monday – My actual birthday, just pretty much rested, had a nice huge steak dinner, then went out for some drinks. Nothing to outlandish, but when I went to Durbins, a girl there went ballistic on me, saying I knew this girl, and stuck up for this girl, whom she hated. She was mother fucking me, and calling me all sorts of names. I looked at the bartender and went, “My fan club is here”  The bartender tossed the girl out.

Tuesday – just relaxed and enjoyed my day off.

Well that’s about it. I just want to thank all my friends for making my birthday one to remember for a long time, and I hope I bring a little fun into their life, as much as they bring fun into mine.

Another Year Older…Not So Much Wiser

As my birthday approaches once more I tend to freak out a bit. Hopefully this year will be better than last year.  Why is it that birthday’s get me all fucked up and in a weird place you might ask. Well I’ll tell you.

1. I hate Old Age - Old age to me is when you become a burden on your loved ones, and society. I don’t really want to grow old for that reason, to me life isn’t about the quantity, but the quality.

2. I have no idea what I’m doing - I really never had a plan for my life, still don’t. Every birthday I sit there and go “What Now?”

3. Don’t have the tools to be an adult – I really hate reponsibility, oh sure I can handle it when it comes up, but my natural state is to avoid it like the fucking plague.

4. Not so much the when, but how I die – Sort of an old age thing again, but I don’t want to die sickly and in bed, and my days of dyeing in a hail of gunfire are quickly passing.

5. Wasted Talent - In my family we have a little joke, we say to each other, “You had all the tools.”  Our fathers would say that to us boys, meaning we could of been great at football, or hockey because we had all the tools, but we wasted it. Sometimes I wish I worked harder, and actually had some goals. They say the biggest sin is wasted talent.

6. Peter Pan Complex - No I don’t  like to wear green tights, and hang around boys and faeries, I just don’t really want to be an adult, but here we are in middle age. 

7. I don’t really know – I don’t know what it is, but I feel like I overstayed my welcome in life. Like what the fuck am I still doing here. Some of my friends have passed, yet I am still here. One time a friend looked at me and goes, ” I always thought you would be the first to go.”  I replied, “No shit so did I”

Monday Hangover

As I write this I’m running on only a couple hours sleep. Stoopid Red Bull. The problem with me is I drink so much sometimes I really can’t recall what happened but I will try.  

Friday, I worked late but I caught up to Jackass, and German at the JW Hollstiens,  and hit it hard myself.  I remember just drinking Black Haus shot after Black Haus shot. I remember being a dancing fool, and see a couple of bartenders who work up Durbins, and Teehans at JWH.   We took a group of guys and did Large Irish Car Bombs at Teehans. Then as the night wore on we made our way to Durbins. Then at one point of the night it was just Jackass and Me sitting on a Park Bench drinking. I think he said between the two of us we finished a bottle of Capt. Morgans. We then had a bright idea of ding dong ditching Frumpy. So me being the courageous one, rang her bell. All of a sudden like a bat out of hell, I hear someone running down the stairs. I try to hide but no avail. She goes, “What the hell are you guys doing?”  I go, “You got a beer?”  She sighs and let us in.  Jackass then left, and Frumpy and I decided to hit the Olympic Star. We look in Frumpy’s parking lot. Tallegdega is passed out in his truck. We try to wake him to no avail. The German is up, so I scoop him up, and we get a nice breakfast.

Saturday was our friend Torino, and Commandos Annual Titties and Beer party which happens to fall on Jackass’s Birthday. I hit it hard there too. I just remember eating some awesome grub. Jackass ramming his head in the frosting, trying to hug everyone with frosting. A friends hairy chest which will haunt me, and just girls passed out piled in a room in the back like a coat room.  By the end though I sobered up a bit, and everyone else was either gone or passed out. So I decided to go, I hit Kickoffs, and Olympic Star. Then called it a night.

Sunday – I got a bug up my ass and wanted to drink some more. So Iwent to JWH, started drinking with some girls I know, and a fellow regular guy. A dance party broke out amongst the girls at JWH, and it was just a fun time. I did way to many Bacardi O and Redbulls.Ended up getting no sleep…at all.

I wish I could fill you in more…but my brain is way to taxed right now.

Monday Hangover

I’ve got alot of thinking to do because of this weekend. I feel like the Hangover movie, like I need to call someone to say, “I fucked up”

Friday – After work I hit JWH for some free pizza, and beer. Jackass was supposed to be at his Dad’s, so me and the German went there to have a beer, we bought the old man a case of beer for his birthday. Jackass wasn’t there, but we still had one with his Dad. Great guy, makes me laugh alot. Jackass’s family are all great people.

German and I found Jackass at his crib, and we all went over to Geek Princess for a fire, and some drinks.  Well between the Jug, and a half of Apple Pie shots we drank, it became quite the shit show. I think some of the memorable moments  were salami on the forehead of several girls, Jackass giving an undygrundy to Geek Princess, rocking out the Flippy Cup, bucking Geek Princess around while she was holding onto my ass, and finally Geek Princess biting the shit out of my titty. So after a bit, I get the wanderlust, and decide to hit the bars.  

So at the bars, there was this girl, we’ll call Geena after Geena Davis. We’ve all known her for awhile. I’ve fooled around with her before, but my drunk ass ended up making out with her on the middle of the dance floor in Durbins…stoopid booze. After a stop at Dendrinos, and Olympic Star. I end up at Geena’s house, it was pretty nice, and I am proud of her buying her own house. Well come 7am, as she fell asleep in my arms…I just had to get the fuck out, mostly because I had shit to do, and wanted a couple hours of decent sleep, and another reason it was hotter than an african slave ship in that motherfucker. So I slid out of bed, and crept towards the door with my stuff in hand, and jetted. Ever see a fat man slide out of bed….it isn’t pretty, but I was quite stealthy for a big guy.

This situation perturbs me, I’ll get more to it later.

Saturday - I had my niece’s graduation party, it was really nice to see my family, and spend some time with them.  After that I hit the bars..Well After doing the tour JWH, Durbins, Dendrinos, Kickoffs, and oh yes Olympic Star. I was plum tuckered. Cool thing about this night, I saw some people I don’t normally see, and  it turns out this geek girl I talk to at my gas station all the time knows this other girl I am friends with. Sometimes it’s really a small world.

Sunday – I actually slept most of the day, then went to see Bad Teacher with the whole crew. It was good, I laughed. After that I went to the bars for a couple.  I had a little to think about.

The situation with Geena, is a precarious one. There was a time where I would of given anything to have her as my girlfriend, and after the first time we fooled around things got a little sour, after I jumped the gun so to speak, don’t get me wrong I want to move to the next level have a serious girlfriend, and maybe one day have a wife, and god forbid a family.  Just not right this minute, I got a lot of things going on.

I was sitting there watching her sleep for a bit, and I think Universe has a cruel sense of humor, and I love to laugh along with it. I will do what I’ve been doing for the last 38 years of my life….and just wing it.

Ruthless in my Execution

So today I had to unleash the hounds on someone in the company, meaning I had to crack open their account, and research to see if there is any wrong doing against our policy.

Basically that means the company wants to get rid of a person, and they want me to give them the excuse. Sometimes it’s pretty nice when it’s a person I despise…and that’s a long list. Though I hate it when it’s a person I am friendly with, and I think is nice. I do my duty though because my company pays my bills, that nice person doesn’t. I am methodic and ruthless in my execution when I am given a task. 

This methodic ruthlessness I tend to exhibit manifests itself in my daily life in other ways, and sometimes it’s really effected my life. For example, when I am angry with a girl I like, and want to be with, I get mean. This meanness makes me say hurtful things, and because I know alot about that person, I can find the chink in her armor real quick, thus hurting her, and in the end pushing her away even more. Another example is my mother, I do not soften blows there either. When we get in an argument, I shoot to hurt her. In terms I know right where to direct my comments to make it the most painful.

Sometimes in the aftermath, I am truly sorry, and I try to make amends, but often times it’s too late the damage is done. I don’t know why I do it, I just do it.  Now to my credit, I have mellowed out since my younger days, but once in awhile I still crack.

 

 

 

Tuesday Hangover

Well It’s been the roughest, and strangest weekend I have pretty much ever had.

Let’s start with Friday – I went out for the Blackhawks game which was 26 dollars all you can drink. I got really messed up, and I don’t remember shite. All I remember is ALOT of my friends we’re drunk.

Saturday – Was shopping, and I texted Muffdiver, cause I know she’s sort of a light weight, and I check on the lightweights…and laugh. She said she was Frumpy, her spellcheck autofixed it, suppose to be drunk.  So I’m going to call her Frumpy from now on. Frumpy sounds cute, but it means unattractive….and this girl is anything but Frumpy. Hell she’s so pretty, I keep wondering why she even talks to a troglodyte like myself, but she does.  Then she meant to text me Noo, it came out Moo. So now when I see her I’m going “Moo Frumpy”

Went out, and wasn’t really feeling it. Hell I wasn’t going to go out, but I did, cause I got in a huge fight with my Mom, and needed to get out. Then my cousin came out, and Towelie and RJ goof times, at the end of the night me and Tallegdega hit Kickoffs with a couple girls we know, then we came back and the owner of a bar we hang out in, was still there.

This owner I’m calling Darby, after Darby O’Gill and the Little People, and Disney Movie. In the movie, Darby is an irishman, just like this guy, has a big heart, fun, but has a little shadiness to him, just like this guy. So Darby did something I have never seen in all my years of working at a bar. He made these shots using like 30 types of different types of booze, and it tasted like ass. So after a few of these, things got nutty. Playing bags in the bar. Dancing, drinking. So after partying 11am rolls around, Ice shows up, and starts drinking, then soon after the bartender who opens on Sunday had to go home, and take a power nap. Darby passed out.  Tallegdega, and  the other bartender left.

So it was just me, and Ice. Jackass, Torino, and Commando showed up. So we had a private party until the bartender showed up. Darby finally woke up at 5pm. We kept going, I finally left 10pm.  There’s alot of things I’m leaving out of this…cause of decency.

Monday - I had my Grandmothers funeral, and the roughest part was seeing my Dad all tore up, and my cousins eulogy. She will be missed.

Monday Hangover

It all started Thursday night, I met my friends for a few beers and Tacos.  It was brought to my attention I wore the same Flash shirt 2 Thursdays in a row. I said, “It’s my heavy drinking shirt”  Nascar, Muffdiver, Jackass, Commando, Torino, and Tallegdega were all there.  It started low key…then a few people went home early. Then there were 3…Me, Jackass, and Tallegdega. We did the usual tour of duty, between Hollstiens, and Durbins. I don’t really remember much, but I just remember Jackass had a bunch of Tacos hanging from his belt in a plastic bag most of the night.

Friday I woke up still drunk, and then later in the day I had lunch with Muffdiver, Nascar, and OCD. It was a good time. Then after work I just crashed, and stayed in

Saturday, I did my chores. Then I went to Peotone to visit a friend’s band, and the Cougar. After that it was on to RJ’s mini bday bash. They were at Cuzins, after a few there. I met Tallegdega, and Jackass at Baileys. We had a few shots there, but then Tallegdega and Me went to Hollstiens, and started pounding the shots. Like I was buying rounds of 10 apple pies, just for us.  We saw Jackass again, but we lost him. Me and Tallegdega went to Durbins to finish the night off, we stayed after drinking with the Durbins staff. So many blue durbins bombs, I think my shit was blue the next morning.

Sunday was rough getting up, but after I visited the hospital. What happened there really defies explanation really. I walk in to lots of empty bottles of champagne, and orange juice. It was like a Mimosa Orgy. Several key points was the vibrator being tossed around, like a hot potato, wrapping Commando up in toilet paper, and the Tinley Dance Party where the girls were dancing in the bed of Jackass Pickup….and I was just there for about an hour. Oh and a person I’ll call Tinyhands pissed all over my car…that mofo..God knows what happened the rest of the day. Now I know what a shit show was.

I had to take my leave, I promised my boy Tallegdega I would go get some Mexican, and watch Wrestlemania with him. The Mexican food was the bomb, we went to 63rd and Austin in the city to get it. This was the real deal, none of that Taco Bell bullshit. Then we watched Wrestlemania. I’m a huge Rock fan so it was nice to see him back in action. It was a nice low key time. I like those once in awhile too.

Then I stopped at Durbins for a night cap, ran into a bartender from Hollstiens who wanted to drink with me. So I had a few with her, and talked to some people at Durbins. I stayed longer than I should, but it was a good time.

I have a special message to someone, don’t know if she will read it, but here it is. Don’t give a shit what I say, don’t give a shit what anyone says. Follow your dreams, follow your heart and when you’re rich and famous, go to the TV screen, and say “Fuck you River.”…cause nothing will make me happier.

Monday Hangover

Well the fun started Thursday, after work I had a few beers with some coworkers, then I went and visited the Cougar. I actually had a good time, probably cause there were some people I knew besides the people I went with, and I knew the guy playing that night. Then I ended the night at JW Hollstiens. There was a little drama involved in terms of Tallegdega, and Muffdiver getting into it, and My friends sisters getting into an argument, Nothing I couldn’t handle.

Friday night I met the Cougar at 191, Normally I don’t like that bar because it’s always too crowded, and I like to get my drinks in a timely fashion. This night it was busy, but not overly packed.  I hate going to new places, or bars where I am unfamilar with, cause my inner bouncer shows up and I analyze the place for assholes, or possible problematic people. Once I had a few in me though I started to loosen up.  I do enjoy hanging out with Cougar. She’s a cool chick, and I love giving her shit, sometimes though I go too far with it. Me being the stubborn jackass that I am really feels bad about it.  Then it was off to spend some time with my cousin White Chocolate, and our friend. I love hanging out with my cousin, it brings back so many good memories shared with him.

Saturday was Geek Princess’s birthday, also St. Joseph’s day, and it was a great time. Alot of friends popped up to wish her a happy birthday. It was a country band and I loathe country, but it wasn’t that bad. They played alot of Skynnard which I do like.  I’m a little worried about one of my friends, I think he’s fallen hard for this chick, and this might not bode well for the future. We’ll see how it all plays out though. The end of the night Tallegdega’s sister asked me if I wanted to go to the boat. Me being the idiot I am who loves to have adventure says sure. So we start our adventure, then she ends up falling asleep in my car, at first I was worried, but then I turn the car off to go get some cold, she popped up, screaming it was cold.  Yeah if anything happened to her, I think that would of signed my death warrant. I got her home safe and sound.  Oh yea I did wear red…so Bah Fungol

Sunday just had a few drinks with the friends, nice low key day. Even though I am a perfect gentleman, and no harm, or indecency wouldn’t befall Tallegdegas sister….doesn’t mean we can’t give him shit…and I did.