Woman with a giant wiener in her hands

I'm sure #1's mouth is watering at the site of it.

This is worth living for…

and for that matter, dying for as well.

Is this a stick up?

In more ways than one!

For The Hawks Fans….

Whatever team she wants me to support, I'm supporting.

Who says housework isn’t glamourous?

Where River Went Wrong (National Poetry Day)

Something went wrong with River as you can plainly see

He is quoting Mary Poppins and acting strangely,

No, he’s never been original and has stolen lines before

In the past, at least, it was 2pac and that was moderately hardcore,

Now, he is watching chick flicks staring that Matthew McConaughey

But unless a woman is making you, then that sounds kind of gay,

He idolizes Disney and sings kid songs straight out of 2nd grade

If you do that in front of women, you will never get laid,

Now, you’re a year older, and left barrels of whiskey in your wake

But some things never change though judging from the cake.

Tales from the Bighouse (Good Guy Edition)

As everyone is aware, River lived a past life full of lying, cheating, and stealing.  He was the worm that was eating at the core of our great society!  I, however, choose a different, and all more noble path.

You can't get any nobler than this!

While I was in the United States Air Force, I served proudly as a Military Policeman.  During my time in, I saw many a scum like River brought to justice.  When I became  a civilian, I began working at the Missoula Police Department in Montana.  Again, I witnessed the many of the low lights of the human condition.  People would come to me with their stories of abuse and crimes of passion.  However, one event stands out as one of the dumbest things someone could do.  It was a Saturday morning, and everything was pretty quiet.  Then, some lady comes in to the station and starts telling me about how she was in some wooded area outside of town with her kids.  There, she said she had found a suspicious looking device with wires sticking out.  9-11 was only a year or so out of people’s minds, so people were still on “alert” you could say.  By alert, I mean that anyone with a dark complexion was “suspicious.”  Racism aside, this woman tells me that she has brought the device from the secluded wooded area into town!  Where is it now?  Of course, its in her car outside!  I asked her, “If you think it’s a bomb, why did you pick it up, bring it into town, let alone even touch the damn thing?”  She felt pretty stupid, and deservingly so.  Anyway, that is but one of the many things I witnessed on the right side of the law.

Monday Hangover (Funky Cold Medina Edition)

Hi ho! As River is still away playing with giant talking mice, I am here to regale you all with my weekend in review.  Off we go! Friday!  I started out by having 1 Irish Car Bomb, 1 sake bomb, 1 Jager Bomb, and washed them all down with a nice cool glass of Iactuallydidntdrinkanyofthatshit.

Off to the House of Rock where they were having an Art in the Raw show.  Human bodies were the canvases and needless to say, it was easily the sexiest artwork I had ever seen before.

Even sexier than this.

Saturday!  It was off to BayFest 2009.  The festivities included carnival rides, food, games, and music.  We took in several performances which included:  Vertical Horizon, Young M.C., Tone Loc, and Coolio.  My highest praise went out to VH and Mr. Loc as they really put on a good show.  Let’s do it!

Sunday!  There was football and more football with a sprinkle of disc golf thrown in for good measure.  I slept in, prepared my fantasy football roster, and watched a lot of football.  Some disappointments, but overall, I was pleased with my team’s performance.  Giants also dominated the hapless Bucs, hell yeah!  I also, went to a new disc golf course.  Interesting one, but had a lot of mosquitoes so my legs got eaten up.  With a little deet, that place has got some potential though.

Inner Monologue of Jax from Sons of Anarchy

Oh yeah, last night was fucking awesome.  Went to the wrap party at the porn studio we are protecting……..from Tom Arnold!  Yeah, I know that doesn’t make any fucking sense.   Anyway, its skanky bitches galore and every last one of them wanting a piece of me.  Oh, then that doctor babe I’ve been tagging came as well.  She got into it with one of the stars but afterward, we went to banging in the nearest restroom.  It was pretty hot. Not the sex, that was pretty uneventful.  That bitch didn’t even break from that mannequin stare that is permanently attached to her face.  I mean it was literally hot, like they need to put a fucking air conditioner in there.  Perhaps even clean urine off the floor cause it smelled like shit in that hole.

I'm every single mother's wet dream.

Not sure what I’m going to do today.  Maybe, I’ll go buy a Slurpee at the gas station and flirt with the teller.  I know she wants me.  After all, I have no job, no prospects, AND I’m essentially a single father to a crack baby.  Wait, maybe that isn’t such a good idea.  I think Clay will give me a hard time about responsibility again.  Dammit, can I never earn that man’s respect?  I realize the only reason I am VP of this biker gang is because the leader is plowing my moms.  Being the coach’s son isn’t all its cracked up to be.

Guess I’ll get out of bed now and walk to the can.  This isn’t a power walk, I just have to take a massive dump.

Photo Friday

Besides looking so god damn sexy for a living, I hear she sings as well.