Diary of a Bouncer

I’m back to bouncing, one might ask why because I don’t have a huge need of money, so why would I take it up again.

1. Old School Camaraderie - My friend who I used to work with in the Blue Iguana days, and my best friend Jackass work here. It’s just great to be part of something with these guys. Also it’s nice to be part of a team, and at JW Holsteins that what I view all of us as. Bouncers, Bartenders, Waitresses we’re a team. Also in the bar business I really respect Darby, I hope I can make a positive impact to his business, and do him proud. I look forward to forging new stories of good times.

2. Money - I like it. I don’t do shit on Thursdays anyway, why not make a little.

3. Paid to be social – I like meeting new people, and being a part of customer service. What most bouncers don’t understand, sure we’re there to keep the peace, and make sure things go smoothly. We’re also there for customer service, and to make people “feel” safe.

4. Power – Ok there isn’t much power to being a bouncer, but there is a little, and I get off on it.

5. Thrill – Let’s face it…computers is not a real exciting job. You never get a steel chair to the head, while checking someones computer for viruses.

6. I miss it – I guess you can say it’s in my blood, I’ve been doing it for half my life. I started when I was 21, and I’m 39 now. Once in a while I miss the good stuff, and sometimes even the bad stuff.

7. Roadhouse – If I’m bouncing… It doesn’t seem gay that I watch this movie all the time, quote lines, and masturbate to it…wait that’s too much info…never mind about this one.

Diary of a Bouncer – Women

Since we got some new readers, I thought I would take some of my favorite Diary of a Bouncer posts from 2 years back and repost them. Some of you may or may not know I worked as a bouncer at several different bars, and security for strippers back in the day. Here is some of my observations. Enjoy

Women are beautiful creatures, but the female of our species in my observation are the more cunning, vicious, and vindictive of the two two genders.

When fighting with men, there comes a point when you get them in a position where they know they are licked in general. They will give up, unless their on some sort of drug then that’s a different story.  A man knows when to throw in the towel. Women on the other hand will fight, argue, and gouge your eyes out if they have to just to prove a point. A couple of times when I had to deal with angry women proves my point.

One time in my life I had the pleasure of working at the south sides most popular dance club, we had 750-1000 people come through on a weekend night. On this one particular night. Two pretty girls start to argue, they are both dressed to the nines. Me and this other bouncer go over to diffuse the situation. Such pretty girls were throwing around cuss words, and saying things that would make a drunk sailor blush. I guess one of the girls suspected the other of hitting on her man. Well as I prepared to escort the ladies, one of them reaches over me and starts pulling the other girls hair. Despite my natural instincts of sitting back and watching the fight hoping a breast pops out, or they might actually start kissing each other. I separated the girls, the other bouncer grabs one girl starts dragging her towards the back door, I take mine to the front. Suddenly the other girl breaks free, and charges at me and the other girl. I tell another bouncer to watch my girl, as the charging girl makes her way towards me,  I dip my shoulder, and as she charges I stop her, pick her up over my shoulder, and start carrying her to the back door.  The whole time kicking, screaming, scratching, she even bit my back. When I got to the back door, I dropped her none to gently, she still tried to attack me, trying to whack me in the nuts, and shins with her heels.  I gave her a little shove, and we closed the back door. She started hitting the back door screaming the usual something to do with be being an asshole, and having a small penis. Which if your gonna insult me, try to be more original I heard it all.  She pounded and screamed on that door for around 30 minutes. If this was the only incident I would say ok, but time and time again girls act this way when they get angry, they do not stop.

Another time a guy was a little to drunk, acting like an asshole. So I asked him to leave. He said,” Ok no problem” As I was escorting him out, BASH!. Someone smashed a beer bottle over my head. I was like, “WHAT THE FUCK??”  A girl was standing there with a broken bottle in her hand. The other bouncers grabbed her. Lucky for her I only had a few cuts from it. She was screaming and ranting about how to leave her boyfriend alone. I looked at her boyfriend the drunk I was escorting he just shrugged. Kicked them both out, and from down the block I could still hear her screaming, how I was an asshole, and had a small penis.

So men, be careful you may be physically stronger, but women are the more vindictive, if you still don’t believe me after this, just email Mr. Bobbitt, and ask him how his penis feels.

Diary of a Bouncer – Kid Rock’s Ass

When I was bouncing  at a Bar called the Blue Iguana, after a few months I began to know the customers. They were a friendly lot. So I use to turn a blind eye to some of the antics, because sometimes ya got to let them play and have some fun. Bouncing was customer service, so you had to straddle a line to try to keep things fun, from make sure no hurts others, themselves, or fricking destroy the bar.

One charector was a guy who we call Kid Rock, because he looks a little like Kid Rock (though I say he looks more like Micheal Bolton). I remember this night, for it was one of those rare nights that the energy was just good, everyone was in a good mood.  It was going to be an easy night for the bouncers.  As the night wore on I could see Kid getting more and more drunk. I said to myself he’s going to do something stupid, not in a bad way, but in a funny, “oh crap, remember that shit” kind of way.

So I was at my spot, just watching the patrons get drunk, listening to the music, then all of a sudden I look to my right towards the pool table. There’s Kid Rock with his pants to his ankles, butt naked, with a plunger in his hand. He then commences to play pool with the plunger while naked. I started laughing so hard, I was afraid I was going to piss my pants.  I guess I should do my duty, I told him to pull up his pants.

Now normally that would be the end of the story, funny little tale. Nope it ain’t. So the next Monday morning I get a call from the owner to come in to discuss something. I knew this can’t be good. So I go in, the owner says, “Sit down, River.”  I go, “Whats up boss?”  The owner then starts to read from this report, “Man, wearing a bandanna, comes out of the bathroom, naked with a plunger it hand….” After about a few minutes of describing things the report ended, “The bouncers did some to care that the man was naked…and failed to react to the situation.” It was one of the hardest things for me to keep a straight face, and not to laugh.

Well it seems a Secret Shopper was in that night, and reported everything. Even though I was not named in the report, I was in charge of security at the time, so the responsibility fell on me. I told the owner that I was on the other side of the bar dealing with another situation, and that once I saw what was happening, I corrected the problem. Well after a good half hour of lecturing, I walked out of there laughing my ass off. 

I still hang out with Kid, and from time to time he feels the need to show everyone his ass. I got to say though he’s not the guy who’s ass I seen the most, that spot is taken by White Chocolate, who’s ass I seen more then any other guy on this planet. Which is wrong, but he’s also my cousin, which is really wrong.  Though if Kid doesn’t watch it, he may overtake my cousin for that coveted position.

Diary of a Bouncer – How I met my best friend.

I told this story a few times, thought I would share it with everyone. When I started the Blue Iguana in the spring of 2002, it was my return to bouncing after a somewhat of a hiatus.  When I first gave it up I thought I would never return. Funny how life works out sometime.  So on my second day on the job, a man comes in I’ll call him Jackass.  He really gets hammered. Jackass is a good guy, but when he gets drunk, he gets a little to overfriendly, and that might lead to misunderstanding.

Like with me, so Jackass gets drunk, and he tries to get up on the bar to dance.  Of course for his own safety, I try to get him down. So he practically jumps on me.  So I let it go, then he tries to do it again.  This time I’m getting angry. I go, “Yo dude, get the fuck off of there.”  He gives me this laugh, “Sorry dude, sorry, I’m just kidding”   The whole night was like this, him trying to climb on the bar, and me trying to stop him.  Then the last straw came, I was standing by the bar watching the crowd, then I notice Jackass doing something, and people gathered around him. He rips his underwear to shreds, with his pants still on. Then he tosses the shreds. Well one of the shreds landed right on my head.  That was it…..I grab him, and start dragging him out. The bartenders were screaming at me saying that he was ok, and a regular. The owner said he can stay. So I let go of him. I wasn’t too happy at that. So I built up this little hatred for Jackass, cause everytime he came in I had to babysit.

After months of babysitting, the guy turned out to be ok. Sure he did some stupid shit, that’s why we called him Jackass.  One night it was slow winter night at the Blue Iguana, a few months after I first met Jackass. The bar was closing early, Jackass asked me, “Hey you want to go snowmobiling at my house with me and a bunch of people.”  I thought to myself, ” Well this guy is harmless, and I never been snowmobiling”  So I agreed to tag along.  Glad I did, I had some fun, got to snowmobile, and got to drag Jackass behind the Snowmobile with a rope.

After that night, I hung out with Jackass more and more, until today which I got to say he’s one of my best friends. I just think back at the time I got laid off from Governors State University, which back then I thought was the worst time of my life. If that didn’t happen, I wouldn’t of went back to bouncing, and I wouldn’t of met Jackass.  So maybe it’s true what they say perhaps things do happen for reasons, and there is always some good in bad things.

Diary of a Bouncer – The tears of a deaf girl.

Welcome to the Diary of a Bouncer, as you may or may not know in the few times I had a run in with deaf at the various bars I worked at the situation came to no good.

I use to work at a bar called the Blue Iguana, it was a sports bar that had local bands, and DJ’s. In it’s hey day it drew a pretty good crowd. Well there was a group of deaf people that would come in from time to time, and amongst them was a pretty good looking deaf girl who we will call Tara. Tara was pretty hot, and she could read lips, and talk somewhat. For the most part everyone in this group was well behaved.

Well late one night we were kinda busy, and I was at my post at the front door which was near one of the womens washrooms. A girl came out and said, “Excuse me but I think people are having sex in the womens bathroom”

Now this got to me, how dare they defile my place of business, like animals they couldn’t take it to a car, or motel, or fricking behind the dumpster. But most importantly I was pissed cause they made me do work.

So I knock on the door, no answer, I knock one more time and say I am coming in. I go in, and sure as shit two pair of feet in one stall.

*BOOM* I kick the stall door down, and there is Tara sucking a guys dick, one of the deaf guys. I tell the dude to zip the fuck up, and for them to both get the fuck out. As I am escorting them out. Tara is apologizing, and what not begging me to allow them to say. Now I’m pissed, and I just want them out. I look at her, and say, “Get the fuck out, you deaf whore.” That’s when the water works come, she’s sobbing, and she’s screaming she’s not a deaf whore.  She kept trying to explain to me she wasn’t a whore, and I just opened the door for her, and in a cold tone replied “Bye.”

I never saw her again…I wonder why?

 

Diary of a Bouncer: My first run in with the deaf

Well I am going to start a new feature, called Diary of a Bouncer. This is where I tell you all the crazy goings on during my time working as a bouncer.

I worked as a bouncer/doorman/security, whatever you like to call them, for roughly 14 years of my life. I worked all over the Illinois area from Dance clubs, to little holes in the walls over those 14 years, and it seems I have acquired a few stories about the interesting characters that I have met.

There are a few moments in my Bouncer career that I am not too proud of. this is one of them.

Early in my bouncing, I used to work at a Dance Club called Xtremz back in the day, and once in awhile there would be handicapped people come through there. Tonight there was a group of deaf people that was partying there.  The problem with deaf people they look normal, so you really don’t quite know…until it’s too late.

I was called over by a customer this night, he told me that this blond haired guy was bothering his girlfriend, and if we the bouncers didn’t do anything, then he would.

So me and a bouncer friend went to the blond haired guy, and explained to him what was going on. He didn’t make any moves, or even sign to us anything. Then right in front of us he grabbed a girls ass. We grabbed him about to escort him out, when he started fighting us. That’s when I got pissed and lost my cool. I told my partner to open the back door. He opened it, I tossed blondie out the door, then *BOOM*, I told my partner to close the door. My partner said, “ I think they moved the dumpster in front of the back door.” Meanwhile another bouncer came up to me saying, “ I think that guy was deaf, and you tossed him head first right into a dumpster.”  “Whelp” I replied,” He might be able to hear now.”

Do I feel bad? Sure. Could I have handled it differently? Sure. Was I young and inexperienced? Yes. Does having a handicap give you license to act like an asshole, or give you priviledge to be a jerk? No it doesn’t

But thats not my first run in with the deaf…next installment of Diary, how I made a deaf girl cry.