Describe Myself

I asked a friend last night to try to some themselves up in a sentence or two. I know it’s a hard exercise, but I can do it one word. That word is Chaos.

Someone said I do the same things day in and day out, and to a point he is right, but lets look at the bigger picture.

I have moved every 3-5 years ever since I was 19. My longest job was 5 years, and I’ve been working since I was 15.  I have never had a relationship that lasted over a year. Even now a days I get bored with things sometimes easily. Like I’m already itching to move, or change jobs. In the past if a girl gets to close to me, I sabotage stuff. When I go to the bars, I can’t stay in one place all night. Almost like a shark I feel I have to keep moving.  

My thoughts are chaotic as well. See there is always an internal battle within myself. I just want to do bad. What doe’s this mean, well some people have a craving for cheesecake, I have a craving for doing bad things. I like to steal, and in my past I did it alot. Like the movie Goodfellas, it was something I really enjoyed. Ever since I was 7, I wanted to be a loan shark. I won’t start a fight, but if one is started I like to actually inflict pain.  I remember choking someone, and just laughing maniacally. Then there’s the gambling, when I get a little money, I have to almost restrain myself not to go.   Now that I’m older, and wiser I don’t act on my rash impulses, but sometimes I just feel like walking into a bank and robbing that shit.

To me the natural state of things is chaos. That people feel more comfortable with order, and putting things in order, like girls with OCD. They try to put things in the right order, but its a futile task.  They become crazy over it. I know a girl who has to have everything in the right place, and if it’s not she’s really uncomfortable.

Chaos is a good thing, because of it I’ve been forged like a blade, into a better person. I went to school, I keep getting better jobs, I keep rising out of the gutter from which I started. Yes if I was going to describe myself…it would be Chaos.

Of bumps and babies. Or please fuck off.

I wouldn’t recommend reading this post if you are easily offended, I am about to let forth a poisoned bile filled spew of anger and indignation.

It is not often that I feel the world  is unfair. I usually take things in my stride, knowing that there is a big plan and each day is just another step along the way. Lately however, at every mention of “Enjoy your time with each other” or “Oh you can borrow our kids!” or “You don’t know how lucky you are!”, I go into a blind mad rage.

There is only one person I know who understands this feeling. This utter gut wrench when you see other people with children and your insides howl “WHERE’S MY BABY?!” That person is my older cousin. No, No we don’t want to borrow your children. We want our own. Yes, we’d be quite OK with the sleepless nights, the smelling of sick, the infinite washing of clothes. We want it. We want the first day of school, the driving to ballet/swimming/football/whatever and the nappies and the potty training and the incredible joy of knowing that little person came from us. We want it for ourselves and every time you smugly say we can borrow your kids, I want to push you up against a wall, hold you round the throat and scream at you with my tonsils coming out of my mouth until you understand how fucking lucky you are.

If you have never been told, over and over and over and over and over and over “this year”, “Next year” “Soon ™”, if you have never had to wait to have a baby with a partner you love, never been through the trials of not being able to conceive, never seen your friends having children whilst you’ve been stuck in a dead end marriage and had your EVERY FIBRE screaming to be pregnant, then please, Shut The Fuck Up telling me to “Enjoy my time”.  I AM ENJOYING IT!!! That’s the fucking point. I FINALLY found some one, it took me till I was 32 but I did and I found THE some one. And we both want children, we want to raise a family together. And it doesn’t matter that we’ve not been together that long. And it doesn’t matter that we’re living in different countries right now. What matters is we love each other and we are making this work. And yes, we’re going to do our very best to have a baby as soon as possible. Because we’ve both been waiting. Waiting and wasting our lives with twats of the opposite sex who didn’t want the same things as us but couldn’t acknowledge it. Then we found each other and now “waiting for the right time” can go fuck itself in the arse. There is no right time. The time is now.

 

So when my friend doesn’t tell me that she is pregnant with her second child, I am not entirely surprised. When almost all my friends talk about is their children, nieces, nephews and so on, I am not surprised. When I find myself at 2 and 3 year old parties feeling like a spare prick at a wedding, I am not surprised. I am sad. I am bereft. I leave early because I can’t stand to be there with nothing hovering on my hip and wondering where my baby is and when s/he will come.

I cry watching silly TV shows about Daddies and Daughters, and about parents and children. I couldn’t watch the recent Eastenders story line where a baby died and the mother stole her neighbours baby of the same age. I bore my man to death and put /even more\ pressure on him to move across the continent as soon as possible, because he’s not working his arse off to do that already you silly selfish cow.

I look at the small front bedroom aka ‘office’ aka ‘baby room’ and I can’t go in there. I avoid looking at the pile of papers and the crap dropped in there because I’m denying how much I want our child. I’m trying to carry on with the day-to-day and not break down in tears every hour. I go to my friends house and say thanks that the only other friend without a baby is going to be there. I promise myself if the talk of children comes up, I will not cry. But I do. And I can’t tell them how I really feel, how their platitudes make it even harder to deal with. I can’t tell some of my oldest friends in the world that I can’t be around them because seeing them and their children makes me want to rip out my insides. I can’t tell them that the inane remarks do not soothe, they add to the pain.

There used to be a phrase when we were all single, Smug Marrieds. Those couples who were so caught up in each other as to appear to be smug. I never really felt bothered by them. But Smug Families? Yeah. My inner bitch hates you. It won’t stop hating you until I am one of you.

The 5 Stages

I’m not talking about the stages at Glastonbury or Coachella. I’m referring to the fabulous stages of grief. That article has proven to be rather helpful for me in the last few days and I’m sure it will continue to be so.

I use to complain about having no shoes.

There’s a saying that keeps me going, “I use to complain about having no shoes, until I saw a man with no feet.”  Barry Davis, shared this story with me. It makes me realize that the little problems I have whether I get laid or not, are really pretty small and petty. Well here’s Barry’s story of Chaos,

Riv,
 
I am by no means a blogger but I have followed your blog for a while now and wanted to contribute.
 
My daughter was born 11/11/08 and was the best thing that could have happened to me. It is amazing what happens to a person when they have a child. Little did I know that my joy would also bring the most chaotic moment in my life. The chaos started August of 2009. My mom who watches my daughter for us dropped her off and said she had just noticed that her eyes were moving on their own. We would later find out that the proper term is nystagmus and hers was rare because it was a circular motion. My wife fretted and wondered what to do. She kept asking me and I told her not to worry it will pass, that it just had to do with her growing.
 
Well , what wife listens to her husband. She took her to the pediatrician and he was at a loss as to what was causing it. So now it was off to the opthamologist. Everything checked out ok with him and he stated that it was purely neurological. The pediatrician scheduled a MRI for us and an appt with the neurologist. Monday we had the MRI and Thursday was neurologist. Well Wednesday rolled around and the chaos breaks. My wife received a call from the pediatrician and missed the call. She could not bring it to call them back on her own, so that duty fell to me. I called the pediatrician back on his cell phone, on his day off as well, and he said “ There is no easy way to say this but I just received the MRI report back on your daughter. The nystagmus is being caused by an arachnoid cyst that is in her brain. It is 4.2 cm x 2.8 cm x 3.1 cm. I am pretty sure that it is a cyst but you will have to see a specialist to find out what it is for sure.” That is when my world crumbled. It is not easy too look at your wife and tell her that the child she carried for 9 months has a giant cyst in her brain that is making her eyes move in circles. She was crushed while I had to stay strong to keep us from losing our minds.
 
The chaos grew even more when we went to the neurologist who looked at the report and informed us that it was not an arachnoid cyst but that it was only noted that it had cyst like features. But that it could be anything a cancerous tumor or just a cyst. My wife’s worst fear is cancer so she was a wreck. Not knowing what was going on until we saw the neurosurgeon in a couple of weeks we began the hard task of preparing for a life without our 8 month old daughter. I forgot to mention that she was only 8 months old. Things finally got better when we saw the neurosurgeon and he gave us good news just an arachnoid cyst. I must say that man is the most amazing person in the world. Double board certified in adult and pediatric neurosurgery (with a focus on kids) and he averages 360 cases a year where other surgeons average 100.
 
He got her in a week later and had a successful surgery. Four days after it we were able to take her home and she is living a normal life so far. We just have to have a MRI once a year for the next few years. Chaos is preparing for your 8 month old child to die before you. Through it all the lesson that I learned was to appreciate every little thing that you have and can experience. Do not take anything for granted because it can all be gone in an instant. I have attached some pics if you would like to use them and you have my permission to use them. One is a picture of the cyst from the MRI, one is before the surgery, one is after the surgery, and one is her now.
 
Thanks for your writing!
 
Sincerely,
 
Barry Davis

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

  

  Just want to thank Barry, for sharing I know I take away something from this story. I hope you do to.

Chaos Undivided.

Chaos Undivided is the actual Tattoo marking I have on my shoulder. It’s from a game. I chose the symbol because I feel my life is Chaos. Every few years something happens to change the course of my life.  This time it’s going to be moving in with my Mom, and my job is uncertain as of October 2010. Nothing is ever stable with me.  Some of it is my doing, or some of it is just me at the wrong place, at the wrong time.  Never the less nothing is ever the same with me, including myself. I feel this Chaotic Life has warped me as well. I don’t know what I want out of life. It shifts from moment to moment. One minute I want fame, the next I want to be a loner. One minute I want a relationship, the next I want to be a lone wolf…etc…

Moving in with my Mom is kinda rubbing me wrong. See my Stepdad had a stroke and if he is to come home, my Mom who only has one leg will need someone there to help. They will have someone come in for the day, but at night that person to help would be me. My Mom said once I help put my Stepdad to bed, I can go out and do what I want.  I will be talking to the Doctors to make sure this is feasible. Is this something my Mom just wants to get him home faster, or do the Doctors think he should stay longer. I love my Mom, don’t get me wrong, but the woman always has an agenda. My main concern though is my Stepdad, what is right by him, even if it goes against what him and my Mom want. We all want him home, especially for the holidays, but I also want a million bucks, sometimes in life we don’t get what we want.

If it does go down, I will be saving an asston of money because I won’t be paying rent. I will have a secluded room in the other end of the house. I can put some weights in the basement, and workout more. So there are pluses, I think the thing is. It’s responsibility, and it’s something I have to do. I try to shirk these things as much as possible.  That’s why when asked to do something, I say I might, or I will try to make it. I feel once I make the commitment, I must go, so I try not to make the commitment. The other thing I’m worried about is how long will I be stuck there. 1 year, 2 years, the rest of my life.

In the end as much as my life is Chaos, I am a creature of duty. I live to serve. I will do what is right, because it is right and for no other reason. My Mother needs help, I will help her. She was the woman who sacrificed for me when I was a child serving the drunks at Olympic Star night after night, so that I could have clothes on my back, and food in my belly.  I will sacrifice for her.

Addicted to Chaos

I don’t know if I really have ADD or some varient. Computers is the only thing that held my interest for long. No matter what I’m doing after a while I get bored, and am looking elsewhere.

Jobs, where I live, interests, even girls.  After a few years I require change. heck sometimes I even try to sabotage myself to mix it up.

I’ve heard of people addicted to drama. maybe I am addicted to chaos. 

To have things falling apart on me, so that I can rebuild, and find new challenges. I get bored with things, so I require new adventures. 

I only mention it, cause I was thinking people would kill for my job. No bosses around, no time clock to punch, come and go practically as I want. As long as the job is done, no one bothers me.  Yet here I am looking to the horizon for the next job, looking for some new challenge.

 

 

No News is Good News

So they say, but it isn’t true in the business world. When the ax is about to fall there is a lack of news. A shut down of communication. That is what got me worried. My boss met with the bosses of the company which is going to purchase us. After that meeting there was no news on what is going to happen with IT, and what my future holds.

If they were going to keep me, and make me an offer they would say, if not they wouldn’t. I remember when we had a University wide meeting, and the President saying there would be no layoffs, then two weeks later I’m getting my pink slip.  So to me betrayal is nothing new.  I enjoy this job, and the people that work here. I like not having the bosses breathing down my neck. This job will be missed.

So lately I’ve been bummed because of the uncertainty of my future. but nothing is forever, things change, for bad, or good. It’s the way of life. It’s the way of my life. I must keep reminding myself that.

Mutatia est Potentia – Through change comes knowledge.

Through Chaos comes Knowledge

This is a motto of mine. I’ve said it before, on here and elsewhere. I think I explained it once or twice before, but I feel it’s been awhile I need to revisit it.

Chaos for lack of a better word in my mind is when things in your life seem in upheaval. When you feel your life sucks, that everything around you is a swirling vortex of shit.

One of these times is when I lost my job with the CTA. I was going to follow in the footsteps of my brother, and I was doing a pretty good job too, but I had a problem, I liked to sleep too much. One thing in the CTA they dislike is tardiness. I was late 3 times, thus I was fired from the CTA. I still recieved unemployment, cause there was some dubious political bullshit on part of the CTA.  It wasn’t as simple as being late 3 times, and being fired.  Bottomline though if I wasn’t an asshat, I’d probably still be working there.

This was a rough time for me, I was unsure of my future.  I felt like I was sinking in quicksand. I kept at it, sending resumes out. I almost had a job, but because of my criminal past, I lost it.  Weeks turned into Months. Unemployment ran out, I had to get some sort of money coming in, besides Bouncing. So I took a job at Speedway gas station. It sucked ass, I was miserable, but I did what I had to do. Still pumping out resumes. I eventually got a job with Sapphire Technologies, which led me to FTD, which then led me to my current job.

In this time of Chaos, I learned alot about myself, and those around me. In everytime my life was in the dumps, I learned I had more strength then I gave myself credit for. That those who said were my friends, weren’t really. I learned that those friends I didn’t think were friends really came through for me. I learned alot about life in general. Thus came knowledge, knowledge of self and others.

Thus through Chaos, comes Knowledge.