I was all set to live my life alone, condemning myself to whatever fate awaited me, but I think fate may have some other plan in store for me. As I was staring at this Zen Buddism thing on facebook. It was a koan. It goes like this. ” A student once asked the master, “I want happiness” The master replied, “First you remove the “I” that is ego, then you remove “want” that is desire, all you have left is happiness”
I thought about it, and realized it’s my old ways of thinking creeping up, being angry or sad at my expectations of how things should be not being met, instead of enjoying and treasuring what is.
I can’t lie I’ve been missing Ginny lately, not in a horny lustful kind of way…ok that too, but when I was putting the bed together I was missing her just being there, lending a hand, or just talking to me while I’m working, or maybe even critizing me. I found some stuff of hers, and so I called her to come over and get it.
When I saw her walking up the stairs, with the sun coming in from the outside, she was breathtaking, it was almost like seeing her for the first time, for a second I was struck dumb. I let her in my apartment, at first I told her where her stuff was, and then I expected her to leave, she asked to use the washroom. (good thing I put the toilet paper on the roll). Then we got to talking about the bed, and such. She laid on it to test it out, she asked me to lay next to her. I looked into her eyes, and knew she still loved me. They say love conquers all, whatever walls I built around my heart came crumbling down in that moment. I surrendered to love.
After that I went to my Dad’s to help move a bed, my brother wanted to know what was up with me and Ginny, I told him. He told me, “Look Ginny loves you to death, don’t know why, but she does. She’s a pretty girl, with a few issues, hell my wife is the same way, one minute she’ll call me a fucking asshole, next she wants to cuddle with me. Here’s the thing though, she has my back, and she is loyal like none other. She might call you an asshole, but god help anyone else who calls you that.”
Later that night, on the way to my stepdads, I stopped at Home Depot with Torino and Commando to have a drink. Commando has been reading my blog, she’s a good friend with great insight. She told me something that made me really think. Commando shoots straight from the hip, she told me she wanted to think I’m 100% right in this situation, but she doesn’t think that. She pointed out at the time I heard my Mother had cancer, don’t you think it affected Ginny to. Your life is entwined with hers, she was probably thinking about how things are going to change, she might have feelings for your mother, she might of be thinking of the rough times, not just for you, but for the both of you. Just maybe..maybe she blew up because she had a rough time coping with things, and you didn’t give her the respect she deserved about it. At the end Commando asked me, “Is she worth it?”
Without a doubt, I answered…”Yes, she’s worth it”