Is She Worth It?

I was all set to live my life alone, condemning myself to whatever fate awaited me, but I think fate may have some other plan in store for me.  As I was staring at this Zen Buddism thing on facebook. It was a koan. It goes like this.  ” A student once asked the master, “I want happiness” The master replied, “First you remove the “I” that is ego, then you remove “want” that is desire, all you have left is happiness”

I thought about it, and realized it’s my old ways of thinking creeping up, being angry or sad at  my expectations of how things should be not being met, instead of enjoying and treasuring what is.

I can’t lie I’ve been missing Ginny lately, not in a horny lustful kind of way…ok that too, but when I was putting the bed together I was missing her just being there,  lending a hand, or just talking to me while I’m working, or maybe even critizing me. I found some stuff of hers, and so I called her to come over and get it.

When I saw her walking up the stairs, with the sun coming in from the outside, she was breathtaking, it was almost like seeing her for the first time, for a second I was struck dumb. I let her in my apartment, at first I told her where her stuff was, and then I expected her to leave, she asked to use the washroom. (good thing I put the toilet paper on the roll). Then we got to talking about the bed, and such. She laid on it to test it out, she asked me to lay next to her. I looked into her eyes, and knew she still loved me.  They say love conquers all, whatever walls I built around my heart came crumbling down in that moment. I surrendered to love.

After that I went to my Dad’s to help move a bed, my brother wanted to know what was up with me and Ginny, I told him. He told me, “Look Ginny loves you to death, don’t know why, but she does. She’s a pretty girl, with a few issues, hell my wife is the same way, one minute she’ll call me a fucking asshole, next she wants to cuddle with me. Here’s the thing though, she has my back, and she is loyal like none other. She might call you an asshole, but god help anyone else who calls you that.”

Later that night, on the way to my stepdads, I stopped at Home Depot with Torino and Commando to have a drink. Commando has been reading my blog, she’s a good friend with great insight. She told me something that made me really think. Commando shoots straight from the hip, she told me she wanted to think I’m 100% right in this situation, but she doesn’t think that.  She pointed out at the time I heard my Mother had cancer, don’t you think it affected Ginny to. Your life is entwined with hers, she was probably thinking about how things are going to change, she might have feelings for your mother, she might of be thinking of the rough times, not just for you, but for the both of you. Just maybe..maybe she blew up because she had a rough time coping with things, and you didn’t give her the respect she deserved about it.  At the end Commando asked me, “Is she worth it?”

Without a doubt, I answered…”Yes, she’s worth it”

 

Lone Wolf

Sometimes I wonder if I’ve been a Lone Wolf too long. If I am incapable of having a real relationship that will last any decent length of time, or at least over a year. Which is about the longest I ever had a girlfriend.  It’s funny my only fears in life are all based about something someone shouldn’t fear and that’s love.  I can face death down without batting an eye, but when it comes to love.  Lets take a look at some of my issues.

1. Fear of Committment – It’s not so much the fear of commttment, it’s the fear of failure. I don’t want to fail another person in some way. If I don’t try, then I can’t fail.

2. Fear of Losing Control – I have been master of my fate for so long, when your in a relationship you lose some of that control, through compromise.

3. Fear of Betrayal- Trust Issues, yeah I got them. After years of being in the criminal element I have become hardened to letting my guard down.

4. Fear of Intimacy – Intimacy means emotions. Emotions to me are weakness. I abhor weakness in myself, even though I am weak of will at times, I beat myself up alot over it.

5. Fear of being Happy – Part of me believes that only when things are chaotic, bad, shitty do I feel the most alive. I think subconciously, when I am happy I get bored, and self destruct myself. Sick I know.

 Sometimes I think I’m so fucked up in the head, who the hell would even want to be with me.

Amor Vincit Omnia

That’s Latin for “Love Conquers All”

So last night I had to meet #1, since I was in the mood to eat, and such I went to Durbins for some grub, and to visit a friend who was working there. I find out Frumpy, and her Mom were at Ed and Joes, so I decided to stop up there.  Frumpy loves Talladega, Talladega loves Frumpy. I honestly believe this. Frumpy’s Mom was very vocal about her feelings of Talladega. I think the whole world thinks Frumpy, and Talladega should not be together.

Here’s the thing. It doesn’t matter what anyone thinks, the only two people it matters to is Frumpy, and Talladega. If they truly love each other, they will end up together. Love isn’t all roses, and sunshine. Love is alot of work, and passion. When you passionate, then you will have strong feelings. Those feelings, fueled by alchohol may end up in problems. Here’s the great thing about Love it looks past those things. It goes beyond. It conquers.

The problem with passionate love, is that sometimes like a bright start it burns out quick, or explodes. Love must be tempered with wisdom though, and that wisdom alas only comes with experience.  I too was in love once, insane, and crazy for this girl. I loved her so much, it hurt sometimes. I pushed her away in the end, because of stupid alchohol, and  my emotions were running rampant. I still remember her weeping as I broke her heart. There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t think about what could of been if I wasn’t a fool.

I can not tell what the future brings, I am no soothsayer, will Frumpy and Talladega get married, and live happily ever after, or will their love explode, and they end up hating each other. I do not know, that’s their story to live, and tell in which I am just a bit player.

A Father’s Pride

A friend of mine who lost his Father not to long ago, publically lamented if his Father was proud of him. This guy is a pillar in the community, he has a beautiful wife, and tons of adoring friends and family. I guess that’s every son’s concern, is our father proud of the man we became.  If his father is not proud of him, what chance do I have of my father being proud of me.

I lost that once, back in the days when I was up for a Grand Larceny, I had to tell my Dad what was going on, cause I was facing some real hard jail time. I sat him in the kitchen, and I broke the news to him. He said to me, “Son, I have never been more disgusted, and disappointed in you then I am now” He looked at me with these eyes filled with failure, not just for me, but for himself like he failed me as a father.

To this day I think my Father is proud of me, cause I did rise up from my wrong doings, and though I tripped a couple times I kept getting back up, alas that look haunts me. It will most likely keep haunting me until the day I die. I pray no son has to have his father give him that look.

To my friend, is your father proud of you? There isn’t a doubt in my mind, you shouldn’t have them either.

Snakes and Rubies

I dreamt last night, as I fell asleep.

Your arms and hands snaked round me,

cupped my breasts

stroked the round of my belly

stroked my bum.

In my dreamland we melded

arms and legs became spaghetti and elastic

limbs twisted and tangled

wrapped up tight and surrounded in ruby warmth.

Ruby warmth buried under the black

Ruby warmth in our bellies

Ruby fire in our groins

Ruby warmth in our fingers.

Elastic fingers tracing the ruby glow over limbs

tracing the glow down backs

tracing the glow over nipples.

The ruby glow burning bright in the dark.

In the morning the glow kept me warm.

The glow is secret and hidden in the light.

The ruby glow smiles when no one is looking.

The ruby glow brings dreams of the future.

The ruby glow.

Forsaken

There’s a song from Korn and Disturbed on the Queen of the Damned movie’s soundtrack called “Forsaken”. In the song there is a line in it saying, “How can I be Forsaken, when I’m not the only one”

Bee just posted a post about being kind of lost in the mix so to speak. and she ponders if it’s gaming the root.  I have been without a real relationship for quite some time, and the ones I ever did have didn’t last long at all. This post made me think though, sometimes I lament that I don’t have that special someone in my life.

It’s funny though, I come to realize I am not the only one. There’s alot of people that are not “in” love with that special someone, and heck even married people sometimes have fallen out of love, and are miserable.  I find it ironic as well, that girl’s voicing this problem, I always thought a girl could toss a stone, and find some dude to fall in love with, perhaps not.

Also Bee, I, and many others I know share a common hobby and that’s being a Gamer. It’s funny how the stygmaticism of being a gamer is so prevelent, even a gamer sometimes believes it.  You know what I find it no different then any other hobby, and if you get obsessed with your hobby it can be dangerous. Tell you the truth, I find gaming MORE social than what other people do and watch TV for hours, I’m sorry if I would rather talk to people over Vent (computer software that allows you to talk to people), and play video games, than mindless sit in front of a TV set watching the sludge they call good programming these days like a vegetable. My mind is engaged, I’m working out puzzles, talking to people halfway cross the country while your waiting for Situation to scream “It’s Tshirt time once again.”  Now if you love TV thats your hobby, and I won’t knock it, it’s just not for me. In fact I no longer own a TV.

So yeah there are days I feel utterly alone, and little miserable, but it’s a little comforting to know I’m not the only one. Actually there is quite alot of us lovelorned out there, the use of internet dating sites is on the rise, by the way those sites aren’t for me, been there done that. Doesn’t seem organic to me.

But hey I may or not meet that special one, but I’m not going to let that stop me from keeping my eye open, and making the most out of my life, cause I firmly believe if I live a life that is exciting and fun, someone’s gonna take notice and want to live that life with me, but for now let’s all do a shot, and be alone, and miserable together.

In Search Of….

After talking to a friend last night, which is funny she can always hold a mirror up to me, and it makes me think….and a little uncomfortable. I hate being questioned. LOL! It got me to thinking though, what do I want out of life, do I want to get married, kids, or do I want to stay the lone wolf forever.

Remember that old show with Leonard Nimoy where they would look for lost things like Loch Ness, or the Mayan ruins. That’s what my love life has become. After having my heart broken, and doing my share of breaking hearts. I feel like I’m searching for not thee one, but someone who wants to enjoy life as much as I do, but not put the clamps down on me to tightly.

Am I too Picky?

Perhaps, but is it wrong to know what one wants. I don’t need Megan Fox, but then again I don’t . There are certain traits I look for though. A women’s eyes, they have to hold me, and grab me in them. Intelligence is not something I need, but I would like a critical thinker, someone who thinks beyond her self, and who can hold a conversation. Someone who enjoys having fun, and adventures.  Life is fun, I want to live it, explore it. Sure cuddling on the couch watching a movie can be fun once in awhile, but not every night. If knowing what I want in a person I would like to spend time with makes me picky, then so be it.

What’s wrong with Friends with Benefits?

Nothing really. In the past I would of been all for it. Pleasure for pleasures sake is a huge plus in my book, but I think it’s time to put away the toys of a child, and look for something more. I’m not getting any younger, and Friends in Benefits never work out well, because someone develops feelings that the other partner might not have. Recently that’s all I’ve been getting to cross my path, women who just want to mess around and be friends. I want more out of my life, I demand alot from myself, how can I not demand more from someone who wants to be with me?

Am I too much of a Lone Wolf?

Here lies the major problem, I have never really had a healthy relationship. I am guarded, selfish with my time, control and other assorted issues…so many I have subscriptions. Sometimes I feel I have been alone for so long, that when the word commitment starts being tossed around I’ll go running for the hills. This is why my life is chaotic, my thoughts are like a maelstrom, for one minute I want to get married, and start a family, then next I say fuck that I love being single.  

In the end I would like to find someone to share my life with me, I think I got alot going on, but you know what if it doesn’t happen. Fuck it. I’m gonna have fun with life with or without it.

The 5 Stages

I’m not talking about the stages at Glastonbury or Coachella. I’m referring to the fabulous stages of grief. That article has proven to be rather helpful for me in the last few days and I’m sure it will continue to be so.

What is Love?

…Please don’t hurt me…anymore.

Oh sorry, I was working on this girls computer last night, and she asked me “What is love?”  I was going to give her some smart answer about hormonal reactions containing endorphins, coupled with animal instincts to procreate. Then the idealist in me wanted to think there was more to love, there had to be. Are we animals devolved to our baser instinct’s, or are we touched by the divine. Can love only exist in sonnets, and poems of the ages.  My answer at the moment was simply, “I don’t know”  I felt stupid. I felt like there needed to be more of an answer.

So I thought back to all the girls I fell in love with in ages past, what did they have. What qualities did they possess that I couldn’t get enough of them.

There has to be a Physical spark if you will, and than some other attributes build upon that spark to create a fire.

Attraction - This is the spark, where it all starts, not all of the girls I fell in love with were Ms. Americas, or Stripper hot. The girls I fell for possessed something though that drew me in. Not talking the nice rack, or sweet looking ass something, perhaps it’s a look, or a way they moved. A smile there, or a pout there. For example, one girl eyes lit up when ever I walked in the room, like I was some sort of superstar. It was all I could do to resist from taking her on the spot. I have a thing for a woman’s eyes too, I don’t know what it is but some women when I look into their eyes, it seems like they are staring through me, piercing my soul, and not at me. 

Respect - A girl must respect me, respect the boundaries I put up as a man, and sometimes let me be a man within limits. Someone once said, that men need respect, than love, and women need love, then respect.  Sure men want love, and women want respect that’s a gimme, but men need respect more, and women need love more.  In the explanation there is a circle of sorts. If women give the respect their men need, the men will show them love that they need.  You see this in alot of successful marriage.

Confidence - A girl that doesn’t get walked all over. Sure I know some guys LOVE subservient women, and that might be all good for them, but how can you respect someone who let’s themselves be walked all over. An ex-girlfriend said this to me, and it’s so true, “How can you care for someone who doesn’t care about themselves, how can you love someone who doesn’t love themselves”

Intelligence - There are alot of types of intelligence, and you don’t have to discuss the Formulas for solving Differential Equations with me. Just be smart enough to know what you’re talking about, or at least have the brains to google some shit.  Part of an old quote I love, “There are people who do not know, but do not know they know not, they are ignorant – teach them, there are people who know not, and know they know not, they are fools – shun them”

Passion - To believe in something greater than yourself. To fight for what you believe in, and for that which you love. I joke I say the girl who cuts my tires cause she’s pissed at me is the one I’m going to marry. All jokes aside, I mean the one who is willing to fight for “Us”, the one who got my back when I am in trouble. The girl who will fuck someone up if they talk about me.

Challenges Me – I love when a girl calls me out on my bullshit, or one that makes me think.  For example I was walking with a current girlfriend, I came across someone, who called my name.  I started talking to this person like he was an old friend, and laughing. Then me and my girlfriend walked away, after a bit she goes, “You didn’t even know who that person was, did you?”  I just smiled, and laughed.  There was another girl who I loved deeply who tried to convert me to Vegetarianism, because she wanted me to eat healthier. and though she failed miserably, I admired the fact that she tried.

Needs Me – Now I think a girl should have some independence, and have her own life. It’s nice to feel needed though. Men like the saving the damsel in distress thing. We get off on coming to a girls rescue. I’m sure being needed is something girls want, but in a slightly different way. I want to share my life with someone, not feel like I am a prop in their little show.

Silent Lucidity - I don’t know how to explain it, but there are times when I’m with that special someone in the quietness of life, and knowing that they are by my side, just gives me a warm feeling. For example, One Sunday Morning I was just reading a paper, and my woman was putzing on her laptop leaning against me, or like when I’m driving just listening to the radio, and I look over and there she is, wind blowing through her hair. It’s in these silent moments, that I think wow I am blessed.

So if I had these things, and girls that possessed these things, if I was such in love, then why am I single. That answer is the simplest of all…..I’m a dick.

Judgement is the Devil.

5 months. That’s how long it has taken for me to meet someone new and fall in love since separating from my husband.

Totally bizarre how it’s all happened and I know lots of people think it’s fast but to be honest, it really doesn’t feel it. This is because I am a different person to the one I was at the beginning of April. I was a shadow of myself and wasn’t happy. Back in March when I quit one guild and joined another, I realised that I was happier in game than in RL because I was able to be totally me in game without someone judging me.

That was quite a shock. And part of how I rediscovered the real Amy again. Warcraft and all the Twitter folk have certainly helped in a weird way. I remember saying things to several friends and saying afterwards ‘oh god, please don’t judge me on that’ and they all said, ‘Judge you?! Wth for?!’ I realised I’d been judged for a VERY long time.

Now I’m back to being me again. A little older and wiser than last time and certainly a lot stronger and wearing a few battle scars, but I’m proud of them and wouldn’t change anything. I’ve learnt to be me again, and if anyone dares judge me now, they’d better run for cover.