Archive for April 22, 2009

I am a failure

Posted in Art of Man, General Life, Philosophy on April 22, 2009 by theeriver

I have a warped view of the world I live in. Perhaps I am insane, but in my life there are times in general I feel like a failure. One of those times after I got arrested, and had to tell my father. He looked at me and said that I was a disappointment, and I let him down. Other times it has been when my friends were in trouble, or pain and I could do nothing about it.

My family, and my friends mean everything to me. I try to be a good friend, I try to be a good son, a good brother, good uncle, good cousin, or good nephew.  So when I let someone down, or hurt them in some way, I beat myself up pretty bad.  Sometimes though there are things happening that has nothing to do with me, or the way I have acted. There are bad times in my friends, or families lives, that I wish I could do more. Times like this I look around and wish I had more of something perhaps money, influence, or even knowledge of what to say. 

Recently a couple of friends of mine lost their father. After the funeral I did not go to the graveside, and luncheon because I feel that it should be reserved for closer friends, and family. That they should not spend a dime on me at the luncheon because the money is better spent elsewhere. Another reason I did not go was because I felt like I was unworthy of such an honor, that I failed them at being a friend.

One of my friends is going to lose someone they love very much. Someone I care about as well. This person was a nice, giving person, always a kind word for me, and always brings a smile to my face.  She is like me family and friend oriented, so her world is coming down around her. I understand.

It is at these times I feel useless, a failure. Like I failed my friends. With all my knowledge of words, and writing. I have none that will give enough comfort in this time of need. There is no one for me to beat the crap out of, no task I can do to help the situation. No money to toss at the situation to make it better. No solution I can offer to remedy it.

Thus I feel like a failure.