One of My Dark Secrets.

Ok sorta a bunch of Dark Secrets. I told you I was insane, and I didn’t lie.  Now what I am about to tell you no one really knows the truth but my family.

First off let me begin by saying that I am the type of person who doesn’t like to be a burden to anyone, I would rather die then let someone suffer for my stupidity.

Lets go back many moons ago I was locked in depression, and alone. At this time my health wasn’t good, and there are problems from my health physically making me look bad, so it affected my self-esteem.  This led my gambling demons to spiral out of control, I would be at the boat alot, like almost every other day for copious amount of time…I spent everything I had my rent, my car money.  I lost my best friend to suicide not too long ago, I wanted to join him.

I decided my life wasn’t worth living. In my mind I would end up dead, my legs probably chopped off, connected to some tubes, penniless and just an overall burden to the ones I loved. I sunk to an all time low, and I didn’t want to beg anyone for help. I prepared myself to die.

It was the coldest winter morning that day. I think it was like -10 degrees and worse with wind chill. It was a good day to die. I emailed my suicide letters to my family, and one to the girl I loved. This girl we’ll call Laura. She was going to school at ISU at the time, I loved her, and thought she loved me. Turns out she didn’t though I was hurt, she is not the reason I wanted to die. In fact she was probably the reason I just didn’t take my gun, and blow my brains out right there and then. I had to drive down to ISU that day to tell her it’s not her fault that I am doing this, and that I loved her.

It was a wierd day to say the least. I went down to ISU, she was home. I told her to read my email, she started bawling, and begging me to not to do it. Stay with her, so on and so forth. I walked away while she was crying for me to come back. I then drove to where I wanted to die.

I chose Vogt Woods, it was a happy place of my childhood, Mark 4 playground, Bulldogs field. It being a cold winter day it was a beautiful scene, but now my family pretty much put an APB out for me, looking for me, and calling me relentlessly and frantically. I sat on the bench of Vogt Woods, drinking a bottle of Jack thinking of my life.

Now this is the wierd part, my uncle and cousin actually found me. Call it divine, or call it a lucky hunch. They found me. My Uncle next to my dad is the one man I love, and respect the most. At his command I would pluck my own eyes out. My cousin is like a brother to me. I was stunned.  I told them I was going to do it. My Uncle the man who doesn’t say much, had plenty to say. He begged me no to. He cried, I never seen my Uncle cry ever, but he cried. My cousin too. If they loved me so much, how can I not love myself.  I gave my Uncle the gun, and I sought help.

I spent a few weeks in the mental hospital. They said I could leave in a day or two, but they lied. I was a prisoner. I remember the second night there I was in such a rage it took 6 orderlies to stop me, and drug me up. After I roughed a few up, and tossed a chair at a window, a plastic chair doesn’t break a reinforced window by the way, not the effect I was going after.  Anyway the next morning I woke up, refreshed all the rage spent. I looked out the window and saw all the people going to work on the cold winter day, and thought that must suck. Then it dawned on me. I’m not them. This is my life. I only have one. I want to live it. Over the next few days I would come up with the mantra that is the rock for which holds me firm in a sea of troubles. 

These sayings explain my mantra, or my philosophy.

1. “The worst day above ground, is better than the best day below it” 

I don’t know what will happen when I die, it could be a lake of burning fire, or angels playing harp for all I know. I do know when I’m dead…My life as I know it will cease to be, so I have to take what this life is worth and make the best out of it. To take the worst and savor it, for even at its worst there is some good in life.

2. “I use to complain about having no shoes, until I saw a man with no feet”

It’s kind of like looking at the glass half full, instead of half empty. Ya know in that mental hospital it made me realize I have alot of people who love me, and that would help me regardless of how much of a burden I am. In there I saw a lot of people who didn’t have anyone coming to visit them, but they were still happy playing Uno. I also went to Gamblers Anonymous, man I thought I had gambling problems…shew.  

3.  “To remove suffering you must remove desire”

This is from Zen Buddhist beliefs. Which I firmly believe is my problem, my pain and suffering mentally comes from me WANTING something in my life and not having it. I am always trying to emotional divorce myself from my desire, to live in the moment. To enjoy the sensation of life.   

4. “Suicide is a permanent solution to temporary problems.”

There is  an old saying, “time heals all wounds”, and it does. Problems come, and they go like the rain, but you have to weather the storm.  There’s help out there if you need it. This is one of the greatest countries in the world in that there is help out there, all you have to do is swallow your pride, and ask.

5. “Don’t take your life to seriously, you’ll never get out alive”

Think that’s from a movie, but the point is life is fun, and beautiful you just need to know where to look. I love to “people watch”, wondering what amazing things must be going on in their heads. It’s amazing, take a look at the miracles around us and quit being so cynical, and jaded. All this life going on around me, how can I take part. How can I enrich my life, by enriching someone elses, which leads into my last point.

6. “It’s not about me”

Ever go to a funeral, and see how many lives this person effected and get amazed. Your life is like a pebble thrown into a still pond. The rings of the wake resonant outward affecting everything. Sort of like in the movie “It’s a Wonderful Life”  If George Bailey wasn’t there, he couldn’t of saved his brother from drowning, thus his brother could have saved some other people.  

7. “They are all perfect”

In the movie the Last Samurai, A Samurai said, “A man could spend a life looking for the perfect cherry blossom, and it would be a life not wasted”, when he died he came to realize they we’re all perfect. That’s the point we tend to look for perfection, but in reality there’s alot of perfection around us, and we are just blind to it.

8. “How can I care about someone who doesn’t care about themeselves, how can I love someone who doesn’t love themeselves”

An ex-girlfriend, who I really hurt with my stupidity said this to me, and she was absolutely right. You have to love, and care about yourself. When people see that, they will want to be a part of your life. Make goals, and stick to them, even if you have to beg, borrow, or steal to get them.

9. ‎”There is seldom any rational reason for having regrets about past deeds or events. Because the past does not exist in any way other than in your memory.”

I am in no history books, that I know of, so who is torturing me over my past deeds, but me.  I can’t change the past, so why relive it. Learn from your past, don’t dwell in it.

Why am I writing this, cause someone close to me is battling depression in their family, and I know it’s rough. I dragged my family through it. When shit is really bad, when my disease hits me, and I’m shaking in my bed from fever, and my leg blows up the size of an elephants, I’m in so much pain, I’m almost snorting Vicodins. I wonder if I should have pulled the trigger so long ago, nothing really has changed. I am still a genetic mess, I still don’t have much money, I am still alone.

Then I know, I’m glad I didn’t. Cause if I did pull that trigger, I would of never had a wonderful time living with my Uncle, Aunt, and Cousins. I would of never learned, “It’s called Responsibility Asshole” or the times we never rolled on Shabbos. I wouldn’t of met such wonderful people like #1, Jackass, Mike D, Nascar, Towelie, RJ, Commando, Torino, Young Frankeinstein, Ricky Bobby, All the rest of the people who I have laughed with, and enjoyed life with since that day.  If I pulled that trigger, I wouldn’t have the awesome job I have now. I wouldn’t have been there for my Mom in her time of need, I wouldn’t have been there for some Awesome Block Party’s laughing it up with my friends. The list goes on and on of what I would have missed if I pulled that trigger. So I’m not going to lie, life sucks, but if you check out now….what will you miss?

If you are contemplating suicide I ask you to go seek help. It’s a selfish act, the pain you would cause by your death is more than you will ever imagine. I know I’ve been on both sides of the fence. Suicide is the cowards way out, it’s alot tougher to live and deal with your problems, then to off yourself. I have gained alot of respect for those who endure, then those who don’t.  If you ever want someone to talk about, I don’t care if you’re a long time friend, or a person just coming across this blog. you can anonymously email me at cc0926 (at) gmail.com  My door is always open, I’ve been to prison, mental institute, and I’ve been to college. I’ve been around the block so there is nothing that will toss me a curve ball, if you don’t talk to me. I don’t care who you get help from, but I urge you to swallow your false pride, seek some sort of help. 

My brother called me crazy one day, I told him no I’m not. because of my stay with the state mental institute, I got papers saying that I am sane….does he?

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7 Responses to “One of My Dark Secrets.”

  1. This had to be hard for you to write. I know you are pretty private about this kind of thing, or at least private about giving the nitty gritty details. I, for one, am glad you didn’t pull that trigger.

    Not many people know this (well I guess now they do…) I have a friend that committed suicide about a month and a half ago. Going to that wake was one of the hardest things I ever had to do. I hadn’t seen him in a few years, but seeing him laying there, with his mom and other family members an emotional mess makes you think and re-evalute your life a bit.

    You are one of my closest friends and even though we give eachother shit all of the time, you know I’d never want something bad to happen to you. There’s no one that gives a better motorboat than you and I think it would be extremely selfish for you to take that away from me. 🙂

  2. White Chocalate Says:

    Riv, I know we fuck around with each other but I am glad you are here. You are a unique person and anyone who comes in contact with you is lucky. You write this blog 5 days a week. Whether it be funny or serious it starts my day off right. Thank you. Have a great weekend.

    p.s. your liver called me last night. it said eat a dick!! lol

  3. Very well said. It is important not to let someone wallow in their self pity. Times can get downright terrible, but there are always positives, even if they are small and its best to focus on them instead.

  4. Thank you so much for sharing your story.

  5. Thanks for this. Sometimes I read your blog and I think “what is up with this dude?” but now that I know you have papers verifying your sanity, I feel much better.

    More seriously though, it’s strange the little tiny threads that connect us to one another when we might have otherwise thought we had nothing in common. Personality wise, we are like total opposites. And yet for some reason, I think you’re a pretty cool guy. Maybe it’s that little thread of a shared sentiment that does it.

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