Sometimes my soul grows weary

There are times in my life when the pain, and sorrow run too deep even for me. I have a friend I’ve known most of my life. A  friend, never cared how much money I had, never cared whether I was fat, or different. Didn’t matter if I was smart, or dumb, a jock, or stoner. He was just a true friend.

He developed a mental illness when he was in his late 20’s. He went Schizo, Bipolar, or everything in between. It was Christmas, and we were having a fun time with another friend. Just laughing and drinking beers. Then he snapped asked if me and this other friend were watching him over the internet, and some other crazy looney things. Me and my other friend thought he was fucking with us, or just really high or drunk. He ended up going to the mental hospital, getting the drugs he needed.

Years later he worked as an overseas teacher, teaching english.  Me and my other buddy’s started to get emails from my friend. Ones that bespoke of delusion, and paranoia. It was truly sad, he needed help over there. I finally snapped and sent him an email to seek help he desperately needed.

He’s back in the states, and he called me begging for me to crash on my couch for a few days. Though it broke my heart I turned him down. When one of my best friends killed himself I vowed to always make myself available for my friends in need. But my friend is not in his right mind, his family is trying to put him in the hospital to get the help he really needs. I can not have him around my love ones if he is not sane.

Logically I know this is the right thing, but it still breaks my heart. It still feels I am breaking my vow so long ago. I pray he gets the help he needs, and does nothing foolish to himself or others.  My soul grows weary of this death and pain.

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3 Responses to “Sometimes my soul grows weary”

  1. I think you did the best thing for him Riv. If his family is trying to get him the help he needs, it would just be prolonging it to have him crash on your couch… and not safe for him, or possibly your mom or stepdad…or you. Then you would REALLY feel guilty if something bad happened. Chances are that if he’s already been diagnosed with his condition and he’s been taking his meds regularly, they might just have to up the dosage a little bit. Leave the big stuff to the professionals. There’s a reason they go to years and years of school for this kind of thing. You can still be there for your friend, but he doesn’t have to sleep on your couch.

  2. Mental illness is such a sad thing.

    I hope he gets the help he needs soon and you have your friend back.

  3. Im proud of you Riv!! You did the right thing. I pray that your friend listens to his family and friends and gets the help he needs. Don’t get down on yourself or let it break your heart; turning him down was probably the best thing you could’ve done for him because you aren’t giving him the option to avoid help. If you let him stay with you, you’d almost be an enabler……to some extent, plus possibly endangering you and your family

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