Knocking on Heaven’s Door

This is Scarybooster again!

When I was about 8 years old, my grandfather died. He was a vegetable for about a year after a snowmobile accident, before they pulled the plug. To this day, I can vividly remember his face hitched up to all those tubes. I can remember my grandmother feeding him baby food and wiping the drool off his chin. After he died, I have not experienced another death in my family. I do not know death and what it looks like. Last night, I saw it again.

I am a very visual person. I remember directions to a place by visualizing the buildings around it. I don’t understand my left from my right. If someone tells me to go north, I wonder if they wear a sundial to tell time. Don’t they know north is always the direction I am facing? When I write, I see pictures not words (hence my bad grammar). I don’t have a photographic memory, but it is damn close. I am disturbed by things I see and at night before bed, I have to go through all the pictures in my head till I fall asleep. The problem is when I see something very disturbing to me and my head keeps replaying the same image. Last night, I went to see my girlfriends dying grandfather and I can’t get it out of my head.

The way he was sleeping. His labored breathing or his random twitching I can’t get out of my head. The second I walked into the room I was afraid for what this would do to my head and worried for his life. I didn’t want to be there if he died. I wanted to remember him alive and smiling, not gasping for air in a hospital. I’m not his family, but it hit me hard to see him there. He was always very nice to me when others hate the fact that i was dating his grand daughter 12 years younger than me. He accepted me and my 3 boys as family and knew I love his grand daughter. It brought back a lot of memories of my grandfather. It brought back the memory of the look in a dying persons eyes. How black and unresponsive they are. How sad everybody is around them and how they try to talk about fun events to take their mind off what is about to happen.

I’m shaken from the experience and had a bad night trying to sleep. I was worried for his life and worried if that is what I am going to look like on my death bed. I hope if I get that bad someone will put me down. I don’t know why we have to suffer for so long when everybody knows we are about to die. If I am struggling to take a breath when I am on my death bed, I hope somebody will step on my oxygen cord. Why prolong the misery for everyone?

It got me thinking of my own mortality. What is it going to be like for me? What will the pain feel like? Will I have the nerve to tell someone to do the deed and will they? Why have I wasted so much of my life not doing the things I want to do? Is anything going to change for me now that I have seen what it is like in the end? Why can’t I get these images out of my head?

Soooo, I kind of brought River’s personal blog down today. Sorry bout that guys and ladies


3 Responses to “Knocking on Heaven’s Door”

  1. I’m sorry for your loss Scary. I’ve been in that situation a few times and its never easy to see someone die. I don’t know your spiritual beliefs, but I’m a firm believe that the after life is a healing place. I’m sure he is out there, feeling the best he’s ever felt, looking down on you with a smile.

  2. theerivs Says:

    First I gave you permission to write what ever you want, so don’t apologize.

    I think we all face death differently, but the thing is we ALL must face it. It’s one thing that binds us as humans. That’s what makes life a great miracle, and you should enjoy it while you got it instead of worrying of what might come to pass.

    How will you face death? How did you live your life?

    There’s a quote, I don’t know who it’s from but I like it nonetheless, “A coward dies a thousand deaths, a hero but one”

    If you can understand that quote, then you know where I’m coming from.

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