Archive for August, 2010

Tales of a Techie

Posted in Computers with tags , on August 31, 2010 by theerivs

I worked in this computer industry for some time now, and some things never cease to amaze me from people porn surfing habits on a work computer, to the fact that people will shop online not only on company time, but while I’m standing behind them watching them. I’m going to share a tale of just such adventures with you…

I use to work at a small University, when the Presidents staff told IT to jump, we jumped. So one day the President’s secretary called us and she was having some computer problems. I go there and she explained the problem, and went to lunch. Well I fixed the problem, left a note it was fixed, and what I did to fix it.

I walk to my office on the other side of campus, shortly after I get a phone call from this secretary, and she is screaming at me on the phone. Literally screaming, saying I messed up her computer, it isn’t working, etc…etc.  I told her I would come look at it right away.

I get there, and she starts yelling at me again, and berating me. I sit down, look things over……then I turned on the Monitor. She shut up immediately. I got up, just gave her a look like the stupid bitch that she was, and said, “Seems to be working now, things work better when they are turned on” 

After that she never called me again, and when I walked into the President’s office she was always nice as pie.

Monday Hangover

Posted in Barlife, General Life with tags on August 30, 2010 by theerivs

Well, this weekend was a little more lowkey then others.

Friday I had a half day, and for my half day off I spent most of it fixing computer. Towelie’s computer crashed, so it took a while to fix. I really wasn’t going to do anything really exciting that afternoon. So it was nice to spend the afternoon with Towelie away from the bar. He thanked me profusely, but you know what I enjoy helping my friends with my skills. It’s what friends are for.

After that I went to JWH to set up some printers for him. I hardly charge the owner of JWH anything either, but I do have to charge him something. He takes my money easy enough, but I’m happy to take some of my payment in the form of booze. So I was drinking by myself, and I called a few friends up. Geek Princess, Torino, Commando answered the calls, and even Trannylover made an appearence.  Few Beers, Free Pizza, Good Friends can’t complain.

I went to Durbins, and I said something kinda mean to the bartender there, I said, “Geez, you look like you got hit by a truck, you tired or something.”  I think she told everyone, that I upset her. Cause I caught flak Sunday. I do feel bad I say some mean things once in awhile, but you know what’s sad, the girls I’m nice to and kiss their ass don’t want no part of me. The girls I’m mean too, fucking call me and want to do stuff with me. I may have issues, but they must have bigger issues, but that’s a conversation for another day so I digress.

Well since I started drinking about 4pm, I was ready to call it a day abot 10pm, and so was Torino, and Commando so we went to the Ice Cream Parlor on Oak Park. Sam and Jakes which is purely awesome.

Saturday stayed in caught up on my movie watching. had a hankering for some oldies, but goodies…Willow, and Sex Drive with Seth Green in it, hilarious.

Sunday, I had to get out of the House of Usher. So I went to JWH to join some friends for a beer at around 6. One beer turned into an all night affair. It was a good time just sitting there chatting. Then my mother calls me at Midnight. I said I should be home around 9 or 10pm. If there’s one thing I hate it’s people keeping tabs on my, even my own mother. I’m a grown ass man. I had it out with her this morning.

I’ve never been more motivated.

Posted in General Life with tags , on August 30, 2010 by Bee

As a token of appreciation for my hard work the last couple of weeks my boss picked me up a scented lotion at Bath and Body Works.  The joys of being a woman.  What is the male equivalent to this?  A beer??  I think i’d rather have that.  Anywhos…. I’m not trying to seem unappreciative… but look at this…

Twilight Woods?? Seriously?  I don’t want to smell like a creepy vampire. 

Suprisingly enough, it does not have shimmer in it. 

I feel gross knowing enough about Twilight to have an expectation of shimmer. :/

Some Love

Posted in General Life, Movies with tags , , on August 26, 2010 by theerivs

Our very own Mike, long time commenter, friend, and jackass has made a film.

It’s called Apart.


I like the choice of black and white for the film, it makes the horror motive stand out better, and it makes things look a little starker.  I was really impressed with the quality of the scenes, I had a real sense of where the fuck was everyone. Then when those 3 dudes appeared out of no where I was like. Eat that mother fucking douchebags ass.

Dislikes….2 complaints….the flashback scene seemed almost rough, not smooth. I don’t know if it was choppy editing. I did like the choice to bring the flashbacks to color.  Zombie movie done to death a bit.

Over all….

Great job for Mike and his crew. I’m really proud of the douchebag. I really hope he becomes something someday so I can yell at the screen. “Pfft He might be a good director, but that douchebag couldn’t play a paladin to save his life!”

I urge you go check it out though.

Monday Hangover pt 2

Posted in Art of Man, General Life, River on August 24, 2010 by theerivs

Ok so I wake up to a text that said,”Hulkster is missing”  Jackass’s brother. So I head over to Planet Hollywood.  Fireplug was the last to see Hulkster at 4am. He said he wasn’t that messed up, which kind of had me worried, but I couldn’t let on that I was worried, for some reason though I wasn’t that worried. I though maybe he just fell asleep on a couch somewhere.

The German got the number to the Police, called them got nowhere. So we start looking for him. We walk all around. We asked security they gave us a bunch of numbers to call. So we started to try them, got nowhere. Well the German, and Fireplug had to catch their flight. So me and Jackass continued to look, to no avail.

I told Jackass, we better just plop down in the lobby of their hotel, and make some more calls. As one who use to get lost as a kid, I knew to stay in one location, cause if you move around you might miss each other.  So as we are about to make phone calls, here come the Hulkster waddling, “Where you guys been? ”

He was gambling since 4am, he didn’t know what time it was, until he asked someone.

Now I’m sure most of my friends who read this are expecting lurid tales of hookers, gambling, drugs, and booze. A couple things you have to realize.

A. I don’t like paying for sex, though morally I have no objections, heck I was thinking about it. I never done an Asian chick, and I kind of want to. It’s just I don’t see paying for something if I can apply myself and get it for free. I will tell you this though Craigslist is pretty awesome for hooking up, and I came home with one less condom then I went with 😉

B. Gambling – Yes I gambled, and I get into some frenzy cause I’m addicted. I lost the first day, so I was on a mission to win my money back.

C. The guys I went with are not nightclub kind of guys, we just drink, and gamble that’s it. Sure some of them went to the pool parties but that’s about it.

Bottomline Vegas was cool, and alot of people like it cause they can let loose there, and be wild and crazy. But from the ages of 18 to about 30ish. I could gamble, have hookers, drugs a plenty, and drink like a fish. What does Vegas offer me but better scenery. I had a good time, I really did, but I tried to close that chapter in my life, cause it only led me down the path of self destruction.

But I’ll probably head back, I still might get that Asian Hooker. 😉

Monday Hangover

Posted in Art of Man, General Life, River on August 23, 2010 by theerivs

Sometimes Art Imitates Life…but sometimes it’s the other way around.  Now to be honest I did omit some of the stuff, cause it isn’t my place to tell. This is the stuff safe to print.  

For Jackass’s 40th birthday, we planned to go to Vegas. It ended up being Me, Jackass, his brother who I will call Hulkster, The German, and a guy I’ll call Fireplug.

So First of Jackass, German, and Me start drinking Wendesday night, and I do mean drinking. Cab is coming for German, Fireplug, and me at 6am. German whose place I’m crashing at comes to me at about 1am.  He looks hammered to say the least. I take one look at him, and I say,”Go home man, I’ll find a way back”  So he leaves, then Jackass and me keep drinking. I lose track of time, all I know is I end up at Dendrinos with a hot bartender. Thank Goodness, German lives across from Dendrinos. I’m really hammered this point, I go to the Germans wake his ass up. He doesn’t look so good. So I try to take a cat nap to no avail.  Cab comes picks us up at the airport, as soon as we get there German hops out and runs to the bathroom, Puke? Shits? I don’t know. I’m excited, I’m going to Vegas.

So we get to Vegas, first order was to get our hotel rooms, I get mine, German, and Fireplug had to wait, so we drop our stuff into my room, then go on to the next order of business get something to eat. So we go to this place called Oshea’s As we’re eating, German don’t look so good. I toss him my key, and tell him to take a ciesta.  Fireplug and Me get to gambling and drinking. 3 dollar car bombs is serious business. I blow a few bucks, and then Germans, and Fireplugs room is ready.

I don’t know if it’s everything just catching up to me or what, but I lay down. I don’t wake up at  7 or so to hook up with the other guys, I pass out again wake up at 11pm. Well the other guys are somewhere drinking and gambling. So I go exploring, walking around taking in the sights. Vegas is really a remarkable city, at about 1am I go to a bar in the Flamingo, grab myself a burger, and play some video poker. A cute girl sits next to me, and starts laughing to herself, then starts playing video poker, and asking me questions about it, like should she keep a certain card. Now I don’t know if she was a hooker, which might be the case or just some girl hitting on me. I went with hooker, and blew her off.  The other guys happen to get drunk…real drunk

The next day Friday we start the day with a breakfast buffet. we head to Jackass hotel room. Wow the Planet Hollywood rooms are awesome, like a little condo, with a big screen projection TV, and Jacuzzi. Jackass was hungover like a mother fucker. So a couple of the guys hit the pool parties. I’m not a pool type of guy for several reasons. Oh I like looking at half naked women don’t get me wrong, but the Sun is my mortal enemy. So the German and I, hit the gambling scene. We started off playing blackjack where the dealer was so hot, she had a tattoo on her arm that said,”Double Whammy”, cause her friend and her share the same name, and her friend has the same tattoo on the other arm. We were winning for a bit, until they changed dealers to this hot asian chick, she did me in.  We then head to some Poker Tournaments, and I really love those. Great time killer, and plus you meet some cool peeps. I didn’t do to well, which I’ll sum up later on. After that I go take a nap, then head to meet the other guys, and we start to get drunk. Hulkster turns out passed out from the pool party, and Jackass is tore up, from the floor up. German and Fireplug were a little tipsy. I notice Jackasses shoes, their dress shoes. He lost his sandals at the pool party, no one knows how.  We head back to Jackasses place, where Jackass passed out practically. The Hulkster awakes, so we go out with Hulkster leaving Jackass passed out. We are walking we see a beautiful woman. Fireplug, “Hey there.”  Girl answers back, “Hi there, need some company?”  She gave my friend a card, it was just a plain white card with her name “Anna” and her phone number. Welp turns out she was an escort, a kind of high priced one for 500 dollars an hour.

On a side note, I’m lucky I’m not a chick, I’d be the biggest whore ever. damn 500 dollars…really.

Anywho so we drink some more, then we call it a day.

Saturday, German, Fireplug, and me head over to the worlds biggest buffets at the Rio. Dear lord, this thing almost took the River out. I swear I had 2 heart attacks, but the food was pretty good. We did a little site seeing after that. Then I needed to lay down. I woke up in time for the Bears game. Which they lost, pfft. So I met up with the guys. Hulkster was beyond drunk. I really didn’t know how he was functioning. He was wobbling, I swear thought he was going to fall. It was the funniest thing ever. Jackass, and Fireplug were winning at the Craps table, so I volunteered to take Hulkster to his room. It was hilarious, he was talking to everyone, and weaving. I never laughed so hard in my life. So me and German drop him off….

Next Morning I wake to the text, “Hulkster is Missing”….

To Be Continued Tomorrow.

WTF, Cosmo

Posted in Things that disgust me. on August 23, 2010 by zelmaru

I’m in the grocery store and I see this cover of Cosmo… and I had to snap a picture with my phone in my WTF-ness:

Ok seriously?

Since when is that a word? Like a print word.  Slang has gone too far, I do declare!

Kids can read you know. Good thing Twig can’t yet.  “Mommy what’s that?”  Shudder.

Cosmo Zombie. Cosmo says wax, therefore thou shalt wax.  Now Cosmo says (presumably) don’t wax.  Halt waxing immediately, lest you be out of style!  All hail Cosmo.  Or (novel concept) why not groom your nether regions in a way that is preferable to you and your partner, and not slavishly adhere to what is “in” or “out.”  Nah.

I go to fight my demons

Posted in Art of Man on August 18, 2010 by theerivs

If you read this blog, you will know I had gambling problems in the past. I spent more money gambling then some people make in 5 years of working. Lets just say if I had all the money I spent on gambling in front of me, I would own a really nice house.  Thanks to the bankruptcy laws of this country I am free and clear.

Well tomorrow I leave for Vegas, Sin City.  Where all my vices dwell, drinking, gambling, drugs, and hookers. I have never been there, though I had plenty of chances. I feel if I head there I might go I’ll end up dead, in some overdose of pills, and booze, or I would lose so much there would be no hope of getting back.

It’s not going to be easy. Even though I am in a better place mentally than I was once when I turned to gambling, drugs, booze for escape, but I feel if there is an easy access to it, I might indulge way…way to much.  This is the supreme test of my willpower. 

 I hope I can stare my demons in the eye, and win, or at the very  least not get ass raped by them too much.

Of the Mosque near Ground Zero

Posted in Art of Man, Politics with tags , , on August 17, 2010 by theerivs

Know what I was thinking, which is always a dangerous thing is, we must practice what we preach. In this country we try to teach our children, that we are all equal, that we should not give into fear and hatred. I believe we should allow them to build a mosque if it’s legal too.

Do I think it’s right, hell no I don’t. What is an ideal though if we don’t strive for it, if we don’t fight for it. If we don’t then why not just rip up the constitution and vote in a king for life?

I think the bigger question at hand is why are criminals allowed to avoid justice.

So let them build the mosque, and let them live their lives, and pursue their happiness, cause that’s the ideal which we try to live by….

Then we can blow up their shit later, in the middle of the night….

Monday Hangover

Posted in Art of Man, Barlife, General Life with tags on August 16, 2010 by theerivs

You would think with all that went on I would have more fun stories, the sad thing it was more about the drama this weekend then anything.

Friday was my friends Jackass birthday was at JWH, and I was happy to see some people I haven’t seen in a while. His dad came out, and Pops is cool as hell. He cracks me up. Jackass was worried both of these girls were going to show up, but neither did, which I thought sucked. I was looking forward to a catfight. Jackass’s sister came out with her boyfriend, which would lead to some issues later. German, and the Dago Princess were in attendance. Commando, Torino, Muffdiver, Towelie, #1, RJ, Nascar, and many more were out. When I get to drinking, my mind gets a little fuzzy, so there’s not much I do remember that stands out, but of course I was a dancing fool, and thus led me to become a sweaty hot mess, but I don’t give a shit. Oh me and Towelie always have fun together, we are fake arch nemesis, and it’s always fun to hear Towelie go across the room, “Fuck you River, FUCK YOU!”  People look at us like we really hate each other, it’s awesome.  Like I said alot of drama this weekend. Commando, and Muffdiver got into it at the bar, which upsets me. Not the fact they got into a tiff, when your good friends sometimes you do get into a little spat, but you get over it, and move on. It’s the time and place that upset me, at my boy’s 40th birthday, you don’t fricking bring up drama. Jackass’s sister started to get into a fight with the boyfriend. That’s when I got pissed and took off to Teehans. After I left, a friend of ours Finger got into it with Jackass too, Glad I wasn’t there for that. Angry River might of popped out. 

So I go to Teehans, then I pop on over to Durbins. The drama follows me, Jackass’s sister boyfriend shows up there, and suddenly I’m his best friend. I didn’t want to start a scene so I just kept my mouth shut, then he was getting on my nerves cause he was getting rude with the staff. That’s it, I’m out. I went to Olympic start, dragged Jackass, and his sister with me. 

Saturday was the “Titties and Beer Party” Commando, and Torino throw every year. Ok I get there, and there’s this girl who on Facebook was talking about a crossdresser, I said she liked chicks with dick, she said I wanted to be one, all in good fun. So I get to the party, she saw me and practically attacked me, “Hey, here’s my heels, I’m not using them right now you can if you want.” …Mother fucker, she’s probably been dying all day to say shit to me. Well just for that, I’m calling this girl Trannylover in this blog. What Now?  Also a new member to the Chaotic Lineup, I’m going to call him OCG, as in Other Computer Guy. He said he actually reads my blog, for the life of me I don’t know why. I felt kind of bad. He was telling a story, and I kind of interrupted him cause I saw two chicks dancing, I can’t help it OCG, I’m hopelessly addicted to Vagina.  Also Commando always cracks me up, I’m sitting there relaxing she comes up to me, and goes, “I got underwear on today, and it’s killing me.”  I just laughed my ass off.  I had a great time, well how can I not I got a lapdance by the Geek Princess…Holla. All my friends in one place is always great time, except for more drama. Muffdiver,and Tallagdega got into it again. Really? Everytime I’m out with them they fight. Hey if they are happy fighting all the time more power to them, but it disrupts the fun times, and really that isn’t fair to their friends.  OCD got into it with her sister too, that night.  Here’s my deal, There’s a time and place for everything is my belief, and and fighting over something stupid at someone’s party is just not cool.  Sure shit happens, and I get mad once in a while, but you excuse yourself, and go punch a wall. Ok I may have done that once or twice.

Sunday – I just relaxed, visited my Grandparents, and fixed a friend’s computer.

These next couple days I must prepare myself for Vegas, this is going to be fun.