Tales of Stupid

My Parents use to send me to camp….yeah computer nerd, fat kids, with blind hatred to all authority LOVE camp… good idea Mom, and Dad!

So this was a Christian camp which I was forced to go to for 2 weeks. Hate would not be a strong enough word for it. I LOATHED it. Vile do-gooders, and their healthy way of life. One thing I hated with a passion was the mandatory exercise. I refused to do it. It was like at 7am, and I didn’t like exercise in 6th grade, AND get up early on my summer days off of school.

In Exercise, you had two choices to do normal exercises like Jumping Jacks, Pushups, Situps, etc, etc, or Run through the woods which was probably like a couple miles.  I devised a plan to get out of exercise for this Summer Camp from Hell…which in itself was ironic since it’s a Christian camp.

I decided to go running, I lagged behind, and when everyone was out of sight. I tossed myself off a hill, and purposely banged my knee on a stump a few times. Then I started screaming bloody murder.  The preacher who took the runners, asked me what happened, I said I tripped and fell and that my knee hurt.

I thought I would be able to sit out of exercise a few days. The Preacher who was a good man, goes, “We better go to the hospital”….Oh shit. My Lies will be found out. So I poured on the fakeness, and had to carry out my lie to the bitter end. So limping around, the preacher and a camp counselor drove me to the hospital. 

As a side note. On the way there they were talking about Nutrasweet, a brand new sweetener that was being developed and will be on the market soon. I don’t know why, but I told them to invest in the company that makes it. It’s a winner.

We get to the hospital , they checked me out. The doctor told them I only had a contusion. Which freaked me out a bit until I found out it was only a bruise. But because of insurance of the camp and such I had to spend a bunch of days on crutches, carrying through my fakeness missing out of the things I did enjoy at camp like canoeing, and swimming and such.

There’s probably a special place reserved for me in Hell, lying to men of God, can’t be high on the list of good things to do. Faking to get out of exercise, and doing bodily harm to myself where I could have done real harm…..Yep that was all pretty stupid.

Also in the following years I went to the camp, that preacher always told me. “Man if I only listened to you Chris, I would be rolling in the dough. ” He would have been Nutrasweet went to be the #1 Sweetener in the country, after saccharin was found to be carcinogenic.


2 Responses to “Tales of Stupid”

  1. Oh, the good ol’ Christian camp. This inspires a blog post for me too, but I’ll sum it up by saying one of my earliest same sex experiences was in a Pentacostal summer camp… good god damn, it was hot!

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