What it means to be the monster.

“I thought my demons we’re my friend, but they we’re out to get me in the end” – Coming Undone by Korn

When I was born the doctor said, “Get a load of this monster!”. Growing up since I was always a big kid, I was called a monster quite alot. I’ve heard it so many times, I was brainwashed to believed I was a monster. They wanted a monster, I was going to give them one. Monsters don’t get the rewards, the girls, the happy ending. We destroy, cause havoc, and cause pain…..and in my early life that’s what I was. I relished in being the bad guy, the monster. 

Football fed the Monster for many years, the roar of the crowd, the vicious brutality of it all. I made Dick Butkus seem like a boy scout. I remember knocking a guy on his ass, and telling him to stay fucking down, and spitting on him.  Then Football was over. I was lost. I had no purpose anymore. A warrior without an enemy turns in upon himself.

I turned to hanging around gamblers, thugs, drug dealers, people that were morally corrupt, I also began bouncing. I was a monster, among monsters. We would relish being bad, doing things filled with hate and malice together, causing pain wherever we treaded. One time I beat the shit out of a guy cause he was just looking in my general direction. I felt like I belonged here, and I let the monster loose. I feared nothing, because I ceased to care about myself. Monster don’t give a shit about anyone least of all themselves. I’m not saying I was some sort of tough guy, or badass. I’m saying that I just didn’t give a fuck about myself, so why would I give a fuck about you.  I remember choking someone and seeing the fear in their eyes, it was better than any drug high I ever had. 

Why am I telling you this, I will never totally be rid of that Monster, he is a part of me. As try as I might I can not fully escape him. Sometimes I am a little harsher in my words then I mean to, sometimes I say things that might cause pain, which was not my intent.  I may get angry and lash out, or I may be cold in my deeds which appear to have no thought behind them.

Some may disagree, and they would not be wrong. I am alot different then I was, perhaps old age does mellow a man, or maybe I just reached rock bottom and had enough. Alas all my current friends  don’t really know the old me, and I can’t say I blame them. I keep everyone at arm’s length, but they also know me as I am today. They know the guy who has come to realize that to be loved, you have to love yourself first.  That life isn’t about me, it’s about others. That the greatest joy in life is not causing pain, but giving laughter.

An old friend of mine, who chooses to no longer be my friend, told me once I changed, and that’s why he doesn’t want to be my friend. He’s right I have changed, I am constantly changing. I am not the same River as I was yesterday, I make mistakes, and I learn from them ….hopefully.

I try to blame a construct in my mind, this creature, this monster. The damage I do, I am the one who does it, I am the one who must make amends, I am the one who pays the consquences…..In the end of the day I am the Monster.


3 Responses to “What it means to be the monster.”

  1. white chocolate Says:

    monsters inc.

  2. Didn’t the Swamp Thing get the girl?

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