Forsaken

“Even the Devil can quote scripture to suit his purpose” ~ Shakespeare.

I use to be highly religious to the point of being a bible thumper. In my young age I read the bible devoutly to the point I can still quote, or find scripture very easily. I remember I use to go to a church called Christian Hills, I loved it. Had friends there. Went to Christian Summer Camps.  Sure I was no angel, but I tried to be a good boy. From as long as I can remember, I’ve always heard God had a plan for me.  

“The Enemy of my Enemy is my friend” ~ Sun Tzu – The Art of War.

That all changed, when my family hit hard times, and my parents got a divorce. My life fell out of whack. That which I thought was rock solid, was now gone. My personal life was spinning out of control as well. Was this God’s plan? Was this his doing? It had to be. My hatred for God burned bright. I had to escape the shackles of fate. I tried many things over my life, such as gambling, drugs, violence, but during the early years I tried to learn if there was a way I could escape the bondage of God. I turned to the works of his enemies, whether it was Pagan god, or Lucifer himself.

“Tis better to rule in hell, then to serve in heaven” ~ Milton, Paradise Lost.

In those years I absorbed and read more books on the occult then I care to mention, I walked Library halls, scanned old bookstores, even looked in obscure places like garage sales. Anywhere I could find a book on a topic like witchcraft, or demonology I would buy it, and read it. I started off with Wicca, and Pagan belief systems, they were to carebearish for me. White magic, or magic that only helped. I had too much Hate, and Anger. As my life began taking darker paths, and friends started killing themselves for one reason or another. I wanted to crush the gates of Heaven and make God pay for what he had done.

I turned to his enemy himself. Satan. I began reading books like the Satanic Bible, Book of Shadows, Necronomicon, Egyptian Funeral Magic. I joined things like the Temple of Set. Walked cemeteries masked and robed with covens of worshippers of his Infernal majesty. I have seen and witnessed things that would probably curdle most people’s blood. For a gambling, drug using, drinking person who enjoyed inflicting pain on others, being a Satanist really was just a cherry on the top.

“The only person you can control is yourself” – Zen Buddhist Tenet

Years ago when I was sitting in the Mental Hospital after trying to commit suicide, I had to let go of all the Hate. Hate for God, Hate for myself. I came to realize that whatever my fate is I can not escape it through mystical means, or worldly means. I can not control the universe. I can only control myself.  Do I still hate God? No. Actually I believe no matter who or what we our, we serve his purpose whether it be for good or ill. You can not have good with out evil. I believe that perhaps the Old Testament had it right. I don’t think Satan is the embodiment of evil, I think he is just a tester of man. Sent here to test our meddle. If God is perfect, then his creations are perfect, his plans are perfect, then he must have a plan for all of this, and evil, and bad things MUST be a part of that plan. Whether he allows the Devil to do it, and turns a blind eye to it, or he does it himself.

Am I afraid of hell? No, when it comes time for me to meet my maker I will answer for my crimes against me with my head held high. The bible says to “Prove all things, and hold fast to what is true”  Thessalonians 5:21   I was searching for answers, for escape, for the truth.

Did I find what I was searching for? Yes in a matter of speaking. I found that the answers don’t lie in a musty tome. They lie within myself. Even though I am no longer a worshipper of Satan, and that I feel more at peace with myself and the universe then I ever have in my life, I sometimes feel tainted, damned, or even forsaken for the paths I walked.

I will let you know though, there are dark things in this universe, and they do hunger for your soul.

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8 Responses to “Forsaken”

  1. You are one weird mutha-fucker.

  2. I find there to be too much scientific evidence of our creation through evolution and circumstance for me to believe that The God, Jesus and Satan of the bible really exist.

    Not to get into too deep of a conversation here, but my belief is that there is a creator, that everything that is here now in the universe was at one time planned or created. Who did that and whether or not they care at all about human beings – meh.

    Human Beings are the only living creature (that we know of) that has the capacity to understand and realize that, inevitably, one day we will perish. Religion is man’s just our response to the inevitable.

  3. “No man is an atheist in a foxhole” ~ Author Unknown

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