What the hell happened.

As I am in the firm grasp of middle age of my life, I look back and wonder…

A. Where the hell did all the time go?

B. How the hell did I make it to middle age?

C. Where the hell am I going?

Where the hell did the time go?

I was there for every minute, of every day, of every year. Sometimes it seemed like it didn’t go fast enough as a kid, but here I am 38, and I look back and just go holy shit. I’ve almost been alive for 4 decades.  As I look on my youth sometimes it feels like another lifetime, and other times it feels like just yesterday. My Grandfather told me when I was young, “The older you get, the faster time goes”. He is a wise man indeed, after I hit 21 it really just sped up. I remember as a kid, I remember walking home from school, I had this long stretch of road to walk, I hated it, but after walking it I would look back at how far I went, and it wasn’t that much time it took. That’s how my life is this long road, and I look back and say that wasn’t so bad, and I marvel at how far I’ve been.

How the hell did I make it to middle age?

I always had a bit of a death wish. I hate the idea of growing old. I view growing old as getting infirm, or weak in my mental capacity. There’s an old movie called Vikings, which I have talked about before. In it is a part where the lead viking jumps into a pit of starving wolves, screaming, “Odin!’  Growing up I idolized the villians who got shot down in a hail of gunfire, to live on the edge of a knife. Through all my adventures, and mishaps…I still live. Sometimes I feel like God is mocking me, keeping me alive just to spite me. 

Where the hell am I going?

“The best laid plans of mice and men often go awry” – Steinbeck

I can sit here and plan my life out, but it never ever goes the way I plan, so why go through the futility of it. I don’t know what the future holds for me, it will happen soon enough. I just try to the best I can, with the cards I’m dealt with. That’s all you can do, that’s all anyone can do really. The problem is my heart is fickle, and such is the fate of most people. I don’t know really what I want out of life. Sure a wife, and kids sounds nice, but I see the reality of it with my friends, and it doesn’t seem so nice at times.

When my life is all said and done, as long as people show up to my funeral, and go “River, he was one helluva guy”  I’d be pretty happy with that.


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