Archive for February, 2011

Monday Hangover

Posted in Barlife, General Life, River with tags on February 28, 2011 by theerivs

There really wasn’t going to be a Hangover today, Friday I was a little under the weather, and Saturday I kind of wanted to withdraw just be sober, and antisocial. Alot of things weigh heavy on my mind as of late, most of it doing with my Stepdad and Mom, the job, etc, etc.. I really don’t want to get into it, because there is simply nothing I can do about this stuff. Also I got a couple of drunken debauchery weekends coming up, I thought to give the liver a rest.

I was being good, until Sunday rolled around, Jackass, and Tallegdega were calling me, and texting me relentlessly. It’s funny how Jackass sniffs things out, he kept asking if something was wrong. I was like ok, fine I’ll stop up there for one, say hello to my friends, and then go see a movie I wanted to see. One turned into two, two turned into three. Then other friends showed up, Like Geek Princess, #1, Nascar. and the Tinman. So I stayed to catch up with them. Then Jackass got me with a shot of Bacardi 151. Oh God..that didn’t sit well with me at all. Oh Jackass was in rare form too, he did the worm at one point, we tried to give our other friend a swirly in the washroom, oh and there was some dancing involved. After that I stopped by Durbins, and had one with the bartender there, and grabbed a bite to eat.

I didn’t go to work today, not because I’ m hungover, or anything…just for the simple fact I just didn’t feel like going, but it’s great that I have the friends I do. When I needed some laughs, they always deliver…always.

Gee Another Law that’s fucking me.

Posted in General Life, Politics, Pure Insanity, River with tags , , on February 25, 2011 by theerivs

So I enroll in this program called Flexible Spending Account, or FSA for short. So I put pre tax money aside to pay for medical needs like drugs, dentist, copays, and such. Besides last year where I got sick so bad I needed to head into the hospital which I’m sure I could of done ok with just a bottle of whiskey, and some Advil, I usually don’t use much of that money, and I have to use it on Over the Counter drugs, or OTC.

So I noticed I had some dough on my account I have to use. I’m feeling a little bit under the weather, so I picked up some cold medicine. I was notified of the changes to the OTC rules at the register. Get this.

Now to get FSA reimbursement, I need a prescription to get OTC drugs. So if I need some aspirin, I need to talk to the doctor. ARE YOU FRICKING KIDDING ME.

Needless to say I was pissed, and angry. Another stupid law we don’t need, that screws things up for what reason no one knows.

Bad Habits Die Hard.

Posted in Art of Man, General Life, My demons, River with tags on February 24, 2011 by theerivs

I use to be a bad person, I won’t lie about that. I did drugs a plenty. I drank almost every day, I had no remorse beating someone up, thievery, gambling, the list goes on and on.

Though I am a changed man, and I try my best to stay on the straight and narrow, once in a great while, let’s say once a year if that usually around some an event like New Years, or my birthday I get a hankering for a taste of my old life. That taste usually involves a drug.

Not always the same, perhaps it’s blow, marijuana, or like a few years ago it was mushrooms.  It’s hard to explain why, it perhaps is like making love to an ex-girlfriend. You know the relationship sucked, but the fucking was hot, so you try it one more time because you do miss the fucking, but then it hits you…you hate everything else about the bitch.

It’s stupid to fuck around with that shit, but you know sometimes I miss the old River. A person who just didn’t give a fuck about anyone or anything but himself, a more carefree time. Those times though had consequences, some of which I am still paying for.

Because I have friends that I care about, and don’t want them to see the old River, I hide it. I was caught last New Years, and I had to tell the truth. I saw disappointment in that person eyes. A look old River knows all too well, but it stung nonetheless. A leopard never changes it’s spots, and no matter how much I say I change, I fear the old, dirty River still lurks under the surface, but I worry will one day I go too far and slip up and lose the friends I care so much about.

Tuesday Hangover

Posted in Art of Man, General Life, My demons, River with tags on February 22, 2011 by theerivs

First of all if I’m not going to work on Monday, hell if I’m going to work here. So it’s Tuesday this is your Hangover.

Friday after work I met Commando, and The German for some beers and some pizza. So after a few we left, Commando gave me the what for, and told me to come out on Friday, at that point I was like “Meh” I don’t really want to. I went home rested a bit, RJ starts texting me wanting me to come out, then I get a call from Torino. He told me he was coming out…I was like ok….ok…ok already I’m coming out.

I went out started at JWH, nice crowd there, and some of my favorite bartenders were working. All the usual crew were there, even Tallegdega was there…and that was our downfall. Tallegdega and me went toe to toe with shots, at one point Tallegdega almost puked. From there I went to Teehans, it was quite dead. Then to Durbins, it was dead too, but at least I saw some of my friends that work there. Tallegdega met me up at Durbins, then finally we both ended up  at Kickoffs.

Saturday I usually do chores for my Mother, her being handicapped and all. Let me tell you I was dragging ass. So I was walking out of the Tobacco store, and I hear a voice. It was the devil himself, “River!”  Ugh, I look….”Your so drunk you started to smoke?”  It was worse than the devil, it was Torino. He then goes, “Lets grab one at Chicago Blu” A bar near there…..”Sure I say, but JUST ONE”  After a little more than a bucket of beers, and a few shots, I have to admit I was kinda snookered.  So I finally left the bar to finish my errands, let’s just say I ate the hell out of some free samples that day. After the errands, I grabbed a bite to eat, and stopped by Jackass, and chatted a bit. Then I went home and watched a DVD to rest up for Sunday.

Sunday – I had off Monday, and today the Penquins play the Blackhawks. So I went to the Hockey game with Towelie, his brother-in-law, Jackass, and Tallegdega. I wore a light blue Penquins hat to show my allegience, but being the Hawks fans my friends are, I took alot of heat from it. I think the adventure began when we did a shot of Jagermeister at the Stadium. Our original seats were kind of nosebleed, but they were still decent. About second period Jackass disappeared, Tallegdega and I went to find him. We found him alright, outside in the smoking section, talking to all the chicks. Ugly, pretty,  young, or old, it didn’t matter to Jackass he would talk to them all. Even fart on them, Jackass let one rip on this poor girl. At one point Tallegdega and I would start screaming at Jackass when he would stop to talk to random people, “Dad!, Let’s go Dad!”  At 3rd period, Tallegdega, and Jackass weaseled some center rink ice seats were so awesome I almost wept. It was hilarious to see Tallegdega, and Jackass fight over the credit for the seats.

Then we hit the bars,  even Commando, Torino, RJ, Muffdiver, and even Tallegdegas cousin, Ice, came out. Shot after shot we started pounding, and when the Absynthe came out I knew we were done for.  Jackass was tore up, from the floor up.  He was all over the place, lifting tables on his back, picking up Commando on his shoulders, breaking little stuff here and there.  He disappeared, went to Durbins, then came back to JWH.  I don’t think I seen him that rocked…well since the Friday before last. As drunk as he was, he didn’t do anything overly stupid like do the Worm with no hands. He finally went home…I hope.  Me, Commando, and Torino had a serious talk about some of the bad things that linger in my life. I never said I was a good man, I am just a man. I hope they understand.

Tallegdega before he left asked me to bring him some biscuits in the morning, and I thought that was kind of weird, until I went to leave. He filled my coat pockets with Bisquick. It was pretty nasty, but I had to laugh. Though it’s one thing I’m good at, and that’s payback. He wanted biscuits, I got him some. I got him an order of biscuits and gravy, with a ton of extra gravy, from Olympic Star,  and dumped it all on his car.

 Monday – It was my Grandma’s 90th birthday. I spent the day with her. She is an amazing woman, tough as nails. I have learned so much from her. If you have ever invited me over, and I brought you a bottle of wine. You can thank her. She told me when invited over I should bring something, then I will be invited or again. Little nuggets of wisdom she dispensed on me, like she once told me, “Since you’re twice as big as everyone, you have to be twice as clean”  She use to pick me up every Tuesday like clockwork when I was a child, and do things with me like fishing, or pick dandelions. She would then cook them up. LOL! Happy Birthday Grandma.

Reason #4 Why I Will Punch You In The Face

Posted in Uncategorized on February 21, 2011 by Mike

Today’s Reason: Having a profile picture of yourself in your car

Ok, I may be fucking crazy here, but I really don’t understand this phenomena.  Is the lighting really good?  Does the seatbelt make you look sexy or something?  Is it like a anklet for your shoulder?  Let’s break this down.  You leave your house/apartment/hovel/collectionof cardboardboxesandnewspaper/whatever and you hop in your car.  At some point, you tell yourself: “Hey, you know what?  I should take a picture of myself.”  What the hell are you thinking?  You’re in your fucking car.  You’re not standing next to the Eiffel Tower or the Grand Canyon or anything at all relevant!  After you take the picture, you think it is so wonderful that you make it your profile picture on Facebook or Twitter.  You’re in your fucking car!  What the flying fuck are you trying to elicit from such a picture?  I want to break my goddammed hand on your face.

Sorry Torino, and German

Posted in General Life with tags on February 18, 2011 by theerivs

I’m going to a Hockey game Sunday, Penquins versus Hawks. I really was just going to go by myself, but then I thought I better take someone with me in case I get beat up, being a Penquins fan and all. So I asked Jackass. Then Tallegdega found out and asked if he could go, and he volunteered to drive. I didn’t see a problem with that.

The other day Commando asked if I asked Torino if he wanted to go. Truthfully, No I didn’t. Theres no excuse I should of asked him, and the German if they wanted to go. These two guys are stand up guys, and some of my good friends. I totally left them out of the loop.

I feel bad, and I should of at least asked them. It’s just I wasn’t thinking all that much about it. I just wanted to see the Pens crush the Hawks, and I didn’t want it to become this big event.

Well this is my public apology. I’ll make sure it doesn’t happen again.

I don’t vote

Posted in Politics, River with tags on February 16, 2011 by theerivs

I stopped voting recently.

I tell you why, I think the whole system is out of whack. Politicians are corrupt, and it’s a choice between two evils. They say your vote counts, If memory serves me correctly didn’t Al Gore win the popular vote.

I hate self righteous people that say I can’t complain because I don’t vote, last time I checked I paid taxes. As long as I give the government my hard earned dollars I have a right to say anything I damn well please. Just because I don’t like the dregs of society they parade around for me, wanting me to vote them in.

Don’t get me wrong, I love America, it’s the greatest country on Earth…then again I loved my Focus, and it was a broke down piece of crap too.

Monday Hangover

Posted in Art of Man, General Life, River with tags on February 14, 2011 by theerivs

Well I had Friday off this week, so I went out Thursday night with Jackass. We started at Baileys with Towelie, RJ, and a few more friends. RJ was in rare form, we go back and forth about motorboating each other it’s funny. Then they went home, but me and Jackass weren’t quite finish, we  hit Durbins, then Dendrinos, then we went to Kickoffs, but they were closed.  Let me say something about Dendrinos, I always see people there from my past, I really don’t want to see. I saw a person from my old drug fueled, gambling, thieving days I really thought I left in the past, but I was civil and treated him ok. He said we should hang out again, I was thinking “Yea don’t hold your breath for that”

Friday – I had a wake to go to, but after I stopped into JWH and there was Jackass with his pants around his knees. Jackass and Torino started about 1pm that day, now it was 10pm. Well Torino, skated out of there left me holding the bag. Jackass was pretty hammered. I don’t mind Jackass got my back, I got his each and everytime, so I made sure to keep an eye on him. So the band was getting upset with Jackass, he was bumping into the equipment, and messing with their girlfriends. The head bouncer was in a pickle, he didn’t want to kick Jackass out, but he had to do something. So he asked me to do something with him. No problem, to the next bar. We went to Teehans, where Jackass tore his underwear off, and threw them at the bartender. Ok time to go….we stopped at Durbins. Where Jackass got some food, and went home.

Saturday I stayed in, and Sunday I saw True Grit with Commando, Torino, and Jackass. It was a good movie. I didn’t know Matt Damon was in it. He did a pretty good job.

Reason #3 Why I Will Punch You In The Face

Posted in Uncategorized on February 11, 2011 by Mike

Today’s Reason: Stopping your car in the middle of the road

Ok, I’m driving along.  I’ve got the wind in my hair.  The sun is on my face.  It’s a great day.  Then, out of nowhere, some jackass in front of me comes to a complete stop.  We aren’t at a stop sign or light.  There is double yellow on the left and we just passed a busy intersection.  So, there are lines of cars coming from the opposite direction.  Oh…my….god.  This son-of-a-bitch is wanting to make a left turn.  Hey dick and balls, there is a train of fucking cars stacked up behind you!  Oh, I guess you’re so fucking important that you can stop in the middle of the goddammed road so you can make your illegal fucking turn.  Seriously?  You can’t find another McDonalds to feed your fat fucking face in?  You make me fucking sick.  You piece of shit.

Finally, moving again.  That was an ordeal.  I tell you.  Now, I just need to get down to the freeway and ….what the fuck is this ham-and-egger doing sitting parked at a yield sign?!  You realize that if you are going your appropriate speed, you can easily merge into the other lane by slowing down or speeding up to seamlessly blend past the cars coming off the ramp.  You don’t need to come to a complete stop and wait for every fucking car that you can see for the past 2 miles to exit!  Driving like a sane person is not fucking hard.  If I didn’t want to go to jail.  I would rip you out of your fucking Volvo hatchback and go Captain Caveman all over your fucking ass.

If you are one of these inconsiderate drivers, be warned because I will, in the name of all that is holy, punch you in the goddamn face!

Of bumps and babies. Or please fuck off.

Posted in General Life, My demons, Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , on February 9, 2011 by Demeternoth

I wouldn’t recommend reading this post if you are easily offended, I am about to let forth a poisoned bile filled spew of anger and indignation.

It is not often that I feel the world  is unfair. I usually take things in my stride, knowing that there is a big plan and each day is just another step along the way. Lately however, at every mention of “Enjoy your time with each other” or “Oh you can borrow our kids!” or “You don’t know how lucky you are!”, I go into a blind mad rage.

There is only one person I know who understands this feeling. This utter gut wrench when you see other people with children and your insides howl “WHERE’S MY BABY?!” That person is my older cousin. No, No we don’t want to borrow your children. We want our own. Yes, we’d be quite OK with the sleepless nights, the smelling of sick, the infinite washing of clothes. We want it. We want the first day of school, the driving to ballet/swimming/football/whatever and the nappies and the potty training and the incredible joy of knowing that little person came from us. We want it for ourselves and every time you smugly say we can borrow your kids, I want to push you up against a wall, hold you round the throat and scream at you with my tonsils coming out of my mouth until you understand how fucking lucky you are.

If you have never been told, over and over and over and over and over and over “this year”, “Next year” “Soon ™”, if you have never had to wait to have a baby with a partner you love, never been through the trials of not being able to conceive, never seen your friends having children whilst you’ve been stuck in a dead end marriage and had your EVERY FIBRE screaming to be pregnant, then please, Shut The Fuck Up telling me to “Enjoy my time”.  I AM ENJOYING IT!!! That’s the fucking point. I FINALLY found some one, it took me till I was 32 but I did and I found THE some one. And we both want children, we want to raise a family together. And it doesn’t matter that we’ve not been together that long. And it doesn’t matter that we’re living in different countries right now. What matters is we love each other and we are making this work. And yes, we’re going to do our very best to have a baby as soon as possible. Because we’ve both been waiting. Waiting and wasting our lives with twats of the opposite sex who didn’t want the same things as us but couldn’t acknowledge it. Then we found each other and now “waiting for the right time” can go fuck itself in the arse. There is no right time. The time is now.


So when my friend doesn’t tell me that she is pregnant with her second child, I am not entirely surprised. When almost all my friends talk about is their children, nieces, nephews and so on, I am not surprised. When I find myself at 2 and 3 year old parties feeling like a spare prick at a wedding, I am not surprised. I am sad. I am bereft. I leave early because I can’t stand to be there with nothing hovering on my hip and wondering where my baby is and when s/he will come.

I cry watching silly TV shows about Daddies and Daughters, and about parents and children. I couldn’t watch the recent Eastenders story line where a baby died and the mother stole her neighbours baby of the same age. I bore my man to death and put /even more\ pressure on him to move across the continent as soon as possible, because he’s not working his arse off to do that already you silly selfish cow.

I look at the small front bedroom aka ‘office’ aka ‘baby room’ and I can’t go in there. I avoid looking at the pile of papers and the crap dropped in there because I’m denying how much I want our child. I’m trying to carry on with the day-to-day and not break down in tears every hour. I go to my friends house and say thanks that the only other friend without a baby is going to be there. I promise myself if the talk of children comes up, I will not cry. But I do. And I can’t tell them how I really feel, how their platitudes make it even harder to deal with. I can’t tell some of my oldest friends in the world that I can’t be around them because seeing them and their children makes me want to rip out my insides. I can’t tell them that the inane remarks do not soothe, they add to the pain.

There used to be a phrase when we were all single, Smug Marrieds. Those couples who were so caught up in each other as to appear to be smug. I never really felt bothered by them. But Smug Families? Yeah. My inner bitch hates you. It won’t stop hating you until I am one of you.