A Shadow Among Men

“Pulvis et Umbra Sumus” – Horace, Translation ” Dust, and Shadow we are” or We are all just dust, and shadow.

There is a poem one of my favorite, I won’t post the whole thing, but if you know me you might of seem this poem. Basically it says that it would be better to forget me, and smile than to remember me and be sad.

When my best friend died when I was younger it was the hardest thing for me. I felt it should of been me in that casket. I don’t want to visit that pain on any more people than I have to. So I really built up walls. I almost put my family through that pain, but they are family my death would cause them pain no matter how or where I died.

So I built these walls up, I became a shadow, a ghost among people. They would know only River, they wouldn’t know alot of things about me, they wouldn’t know where I live, what I did for a living, except maybe if I worked with them as a bouncer, or knew me a little better. Bottomline I kept my distance. I was happy with friends that were at arm’s length.  Sure I was popular, and I knew alot of people, and  still do, but only a few know the real me, and way back when it was none.

I think that all changed a few years after I started hanging around Jackass. One day he said to me, “I hope you think of me as a friend, and not just a drinking buddy.”  That really got to me. So over the years I slowly started letting people in. This blog helped alot with that, cause here I am more vulnerable, I lay it all on the line so to speak. Lately I’ve let more people into my life, and we our sharing our lives, instead of sharing space together.

Death to me is a constant friend, I faced it so many times it’s not funny. So really to me I am already dead, I just refuse to lay down. Everyday is kind of a little blessing, but one day I will be gone. When Commando told me she loved me and Jackass, it touched me, but it also made me sad. When my death finally comes for me, I know she will be sad at my passing, and it reminded me of the other people that will be sad at my passing.  Envisioning Commando crying over my casket makes me sad.

I care about these people, and if I can spare them any pain, or burden on my part I would. I tried to disconnect from them years ago…but it turns out I care, and love these people too.  I guess the plan of mice and men often go awry, and my plan to keep people out of my life, and to be a shadow, a ghost in life has failed.

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