Growing Old Sucks

I always had issues with growing old. I hate the idea of growing infirm, or losing my wits, or a step.  I hate the idea of one day becoming a burden for someone. That’s probably the major driving force of half the dumb shit I do, I just don’t like the idea of growing old.

Yet here I am in middle-age, nearing the 40 mark. My feelings about growing old haven’t really changed, and now with my Grandmother in the hospital for something serious it brings home another thing I don’t like about growing old.

That one day I will see the ones I love pass away, like my Grandparents, my Parents, Aunts, and Uncles and other people that have affected my life. In the last couple years I’ve been to more funerals than weddings, and I hate fucking funerals with a passion.

I know it’s a part of life, that it’s a crucible we all must face, but it doesn’t make it any easier. I said to myself I should prepare myself for the future, but how does one prepare for the death of the ones you love. Some of my friends have faced this crucible already, and I see how profoundly it affected them. How will it effect me? I don’t know.  I am not an emotional man, but my grandmother almost had me in tears talking about if this is the end, she had a good life, and that God has been good to her.  I must keep reminding myself to be strong, for those who do not have the strength to be, but sometimes that’s a hard thing to do.

My brother did a song one time, using the chorus from I think an Asia song, “Where do we go from here?”  That chorus echos in my head alot these days.  Where do we go from here?

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