Afraid of Success

It’s funny in my life I have be met with such adversity, and though I overcomed it. Alas I am so conditioned, that I am so use to failure, I almost expect it. 

Though I’m not a negative person, when something good happens to me I don’t get excited too much because well, I’m just waiting for the bottom to drop out.

For a couple examples, I got back with Geena for a hot minute. You would think I should of been excited. I wasn’t. I knew something wasn’t right, and said so in my post. It wasn’t, and few days later I get the rug pulled under me. I was prepared, and my life went on it’s not so merry way.

Take this condo, everyone is more excited about it then me. I have my father showing my grandfather where it is. I just shake my head, I’m waiting for that call from the underwriter saying something went wrong I can’t get the loan, or some other fucked up thing like that. When, or if I get the condo then I will walk around my place, and be pleased with what I’ve done. Not until then.

My life is defined by it’s failures. I fail, I overcome, I adapt, and I move on.  What I am afraid of though what if my conditioning, and my brain is so hard wired for failure, even if I did succed in life, would I know it.  That’s part of the problem, I have this ideal of what success is. See I’m an idealist, and to me success is the typical male view of success. Married, good job, the 2.5 kids, the SUV, etc..etc. Is that ideal a pipe dream? I don’t know.

Am I afraid of success? No, not really. If I was why would I be trying so hard. What I am really afraid of is once I get there, of fucking it all up, cause I’m fucked up in the head, and destroy all the work I have done to get there.

 

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One Response to “Afraid of Success”

  1. I’m right there with you…

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