My Demons

We all have our demons, and problems in life. I am no different. There was a time all I wanted was to be normal, have a normal life, have the nice wife, and the 2.5 cars, and part of me still wants that. I’m sometimes afraid that I have been a lone wolf too long,  or that if a girl did love me, like a monster with such a fragile thing I would crush it.

I fight my demons on a daily basis whether it’s my health, and I wake up in so much pain that I eat Ibuprofens like M&M’s, it’s my gambling addiction where I would tempt fate itself and place everything I own on the flip of a card, or it’s my drinking where I just want to quiet the pain, and cacophony that assualts my head with thoughts.

Why am I telling you this? I think my Demons are winning. I lie to myself and say I that I’m fine, but in the dark of the night I know the truth. I don’t know why I’m slipping further down the abyss, living with my mother has taken a toll on me, and I no longer can deal with her madness, I don’t know if it’s that I’m facing down the gun of 39, an age that I never thought I would reach, perhaps it’s work, the fact that it’s been a hellhole lately, then again maybe it’s the love situation that girls that I thought loved me, and I loved back was nothing more than another illusion easily shattered.  

I find myself creeping to the boat by myself to find some sort of solace in an activity that would lead me to destruction. I know it’s only temprorary relief, and that the little high I get from laying my money on the line, and when I do win, I’m looking for the next hit of the winning high.

I have great friends, some of them would do anything for me. This is my curse, my burden and I will shoulder it alone. It’s just once in awhile it gets a little too much for even me, and I need to vent. Perhaps when the condo thing is settled I will rest easier, but then again I have a bad feeling about it. As the days edge closer to my birthday, I will go a little more insane because I look back on my life and I see a life wasted, hopefully I won’t slipp off the edge, and descend into complete madness.

Yea me and my demons have been fighting a long time, and sometimes I just want to give up and let the drag me to hell. I grow weary sometimes, tired and weak of the soul.   There’s a part of me though that refuses to give up, and to lay my weary head down. I love life, and I love to laugh, and I find great beauty in this world. Sure they may win a battle or two, but I refuse to let them win the war. My demons may end up dragging me to Hell, but I will not go easily.  This is why I did not pull that trigger so many years ago to end my life, it’s a nugget of strength I hold on to, a little fire inside of me that refuses to go out. A fire that yearns for more out of life, seeks more, delves into the mysteries of life.  It’s that first kiss, that fresh fallen snow, that bolt of lightening, that wind rustling in the tree on a moonlit night.

No my life isn’t easy, but the worst day above ground, sure beats the best day below ground.  I have to go now, I have a war to win.

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3 Responses to “My Demons”

  1. I don’t like this post. Just sayin…

  2. At the end of it he does say that he is off to win the war. Everyone has their demons he knows his and does his best to keep them under control. If they are demons then they will always be there you just have to keep them under control as much as possible.

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