Lone Wolf

Sometimes I wonder if I’ve been a Lone Wolf too long. If I am incapable of having a real relationship that will last any decent length of time, or at least over a year. Which is about the longest I ever had a girlfriend.  It’s funny my only fears in life are all based about something someone shouldn’t fear and that’s love.  I can face death down without batting an eye, but when it comes to love.  Lets take a look at some of my issues.

1. Fear of Committment – It’s not so much the fear of commttment, it’s the fear of failure. I don’t want to fail another person in some way. If I don’t try, then I can’t fail.

2. Fear of Losing Control – I have been master of my fate for so long, when your in a relationship you lose some of that control, through compromise.

3. Fear of Betrayal- Trust Issues, yeah I got them. After years of being in the criminal element I have become hardened to letting my guard down.

4. Fear of Intimacy – Intimacy means emotions. Emotions to me are weakness. I abhor weakness in myself, even though I am weak of will at times, I beat myself up alot over it.

5. Fear of being Happy – Part of me believes that only when things are chaotic, bad, shitty do I feel the most alive. I think subconciously, when I am happy I get bored, and self destruct myself. Sick I know.

 Sometimes I think I’m so fucked up in the head, who the hell would even want to be with me.

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