There is No Peace

I will get back to my friend’s posts next week, I want to take a little break. A friend asked me where, or what do I find peace in. I will give you the truth. I will give you a glimpse of what it really means to be the River.

There is no peace for me. I bare the mark of Chaos for a reason, My life is a constant struggle, and I must stay ever vigilant lest I fail.  From the earliest moments of my life since I was bigger then everyone, I was either made fun of, or tested. I would have to fight, or back down. I chose to fight. I use to be in trouble alot in school for fighting. They thought I was learning disabled, or some sort of defect in school. Until I proved them wrong. Later in life I struggled with my demons, of gambling, drugs, booze, my weight, and many more problems I can’t even begin to list. Every breath I take is a small victory, every laugh is in defiance of the order of things. 

Since I have been at War with everything around me for so long, things like Hate, Anger, Destruction come easy for me. Love does not, I can not allow myself such luxuries. No Tears, No complaints, No Fear.  For I feel the minute I let go of such things I feel I will lose, I will just give up, I will then be dead. 

How can I be so upbeat, and be able to have a good time etc. Well I consider myself a warrior, or pirate of old. In face of certain death, they would laugh. Why? Cause they knew that life is measured not by how long, but how you lived. They knew that life wasn’t about winning or losing, life was the struggle. Without the bad, there is no good, without pain, there is no joy.

There are times in my life when I try to break this mold set for me, my fate if you will. Try to find love, or some sort of happiness, or peace something happens and that illusion shatters, but I try again and again like a fool hoping one day I will find some rest, and peace.  I would say maybe the grave will offer the respite I require, but even that is not guaranteed. Is there heaven or hell? I hope not I pray for the sweet oblivion of the grave holds the rest I long for.   One day I will find out….today is not that day.

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