What Might Be

It’s funny people claim to know me, they know nothing.

For me there is no “What could of been?”, or “What might be?”  There is none of that for me. I know my fate, I know my destiny. My life is a constant state of war…my demons are legion. Sometimes you must let go of something you love, because you know in the end you will only hurt that which you love.  Do you know what it’s like to be offered everything you ever wanted, and you must refuse because you know you would only destroy it? I do.

Sometimes a girl comes along that gives me respite, and I fantasize about a normal life for a moment, a life filled with children, and marriage. A normal life, a life where I die of old age surrounded by my family.  Then reality seeps in and I realize I must let go of that girl, let her find her own happiness. For a life with me is a bitter struggle. A struggle I let no one see, for I can not allow myself a moment of weakness. I will go to the grave with my burdens, and I will not allow anyone shoulder my pain for an instant. I must be made of sterner stuff, I must be made of Iron…Iron within….Iron without.

As much pain, and sadness I deal with how can I still laugh, and find enjoyment in life….because of all people I know how precious that life is. It can all be taken away in an instant. As the Gods mock and laugh at me, I laugh back.  There are many a drunken nights I stare up at the sky, and I challenge God to smite me. He knows letting me live is a far better curse then death could ever be.  

For the last couple weeks I knew the Ginny was getting close, and at one point I thought maybe I could escape my fate, the the Gods have blessed me with a reprieve. It was not to be.   I tried to push her away, but in a moment of weakness I allowed myself to dream. Today I let her go for good. I cut her out of my life. I have to. I must find the courage, and the strength to keep it this way. Monsters do not have happy endings, and I love this girl so much she deserves one. 

 

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2 Responses to “What Might Be”

  1. Ok, I haven’t commented in awhile, but I’m going to comment on this one. You know I have always been straight with you. My opinion is that this is a bunch of crap. You talk about your demons and how you are destined to be alone, but they only reason you are alone is because you have brainwashed yourself into believing that you don’t deserve more. I have seen you do this on several occasions. As soon as something good comes your way, you sabotage it because you don’t feel you deserve it. You know what you want, but it seems like you are scared to be happy. You are comfortable being the big tough guy because that is what you’ve spent so many years showing people and trying to convince yourself that’s who you are. You are the maker of your own happiness and you will never have the ‘dream’ if you don’t let it happen.

  2. I am not a believer in forever myself. I understand your decisions, not that you need my support. But, I can understand your motives. It is sad to some people, but sometimes risks are too much to take.

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