Archive for July, 2012

Monday Hangover

Posted in General Life, My demons with tags on July 30, 2012 by theerivs

No I didn’t really get drunk this weekend. Some things did occur though.

Saturday is the day I usually do my Mom’s shopping. Now she wanted me to use a check, I told her they usually check ID’s for checks. My mother insisted I would be ok. Now sure as shit, when I check out. They want to see ID. I get flustered tell them I have a parking ticket in the car, they said they couldn’t take that. I could of paid for it, but here I am posing as John, (my stepfather), and now I whip out a credit card saying Chris. Yeah police might want to talk to me. So being embarrassed thouroghly I snapped at my mother. Which is the wrong thing to do, but I hate being forced in those situations. Thats why I rarely don’t return shit. I just want to go into the store, do my business, and get the fuck out. I’ll apologize to my mother tonight, next time I’ll set up some rules, and no more checks.

Sunday I went to the bar to grab a beer, and relax on the patio. Turns out I knew some people there. A friends sister which she wants a nickname on this blog, and I can’t just pick one out of the air, but I want a good one for her. I think I will call her Passion, I know it sounds like a stripper name, but Passion has always led with her heart, she has always been there for me, and always got my back. I admire her in a way to wear your heart on your sleeve, and not be unguarded like so many people are today. Also Chris Rock was there, this african american gentleman who after hanging with us at the bar has become our friend, and he looks a little like Chris Rock.  We sat up at JWH, and talked about things. Though I initially wanted to be alone with my thoughts, this was way better. Nothing like sharing a drink with a friend, and letting the world pass you by.

Today I’m back to the grind of working, and living.

Back to almost normal

Posted in General Life, Philosophy, River with tags on July 25, 2012 by theerivs

Man it felt good to sleep in my own bed last night. I had it colder then a mother fucker cause I was so sick of the hot ass back bedroom at my Mom’s. Hell it was so cold I was shivering, electric bill be damned.  Mom is home and doing well, and Dad is home and doing better. They are not done with their ordeals, and we have a long dark path to go, but it’s the simple pleasures in life…like drooling on my own pillows for a change.

On a recommendation of a friend, I picked up a period type book about the Dark Ages, and Vikings, it’s a story about a young english boy who is captured and raised by the Danes, or Vikings as sometimes they are called. Though I love the Vikings, it’s a break from my usual sword and socery fair, science fiction, or horror.  It may be a break, but not far of one. It has Vikings in it for crying out loud.

Being off Facebook is kind of weird, it’s like I’m on an island. It’s not a bad feeling, it’s just different. Like I would say Oh that would be an awesome status…Oh wait no.

Sometimes I wonder if there is Fate, or Destiny…or does man make his own?


Posted in General Life, My demons with tags on July 19, 2012 by theerivs

I always disliked Facebook, thats the core reason I post the dirty shit I post. Somewhere along the way, like the movie gladiator I got addicted to the attention it afforded me. When Maximo says at first you will hate the crowd for it, then you will love the crowd for it.

It came to my attention a few of my statuses were finding their way to Ginny, and I looked at my mutual friends, and they are all people I thought were my friends. That hurt me a bit.

Now people are writing things like I’m a coward, and I have no balls. Really the guy who posted whatever he felt like, and had no shame posting pics of myself humping plastic horses, or passed out on the stair of JWH.  Listen the bottomline is I’m tired. I’m tired of being social, and dealing with the drama, and bullshit. I need to just walk away, and find some me time. To relax, and enjoy some quietude.

You can think whatever you want to think, I no longer give a shit.

Is She Worth It?

Posted in General Life, Philosophy, River with tags , on July 12, 2012 by theerivs

I was all set to live my life alone, condemning myself to whatever fate awaited me, but I think fate may have some other plan in store for me.  As I was staring at this Zen Buddism thing on facebook. It was a koan. It goes like this.  ” A student once asked the master, “I want happiness” The master replied, “First you remove the “I” that is ego, then you remove “want” that is desire, all you have left is happiness”

I thought about it, and realized it’s my old ways of thinking creeping up, being angry or sad at  my expectations of how things should be not being met, instead of enjoying and treasuring what is.

I can’t lie I’ve been missing Ginny lately, not in a horny lustful kind of way…ok that too, but when I was putting the bed together I was missing her just being there,  lending a hand, or just talking to me while I’m working, or maybe even critizing me. I found some stuff of hers, and so I called her to come over and get it.

When I saw her walking up the stairs, with the sun coming in from the outside, she was breathtaking, it was almost like seeing her for the first time, for a second I was struck dumb. I let her in my apartment, at first I told her where her stuff was, and then I expected her to leave, she asked to use the washroom. (good thing I put the toilet paper on the roll). Then we got to talking about the bed, and such. She laid on it to test it out, she asked me to lay next to her. I looked into her eyes, and knew she still loved me.  They say love conquers all, whatever walls I built around my heart came crumbling down in that moment. I surrendered to love.

After that I went to my Dad’s to help move a bed, my brother wanted to know what was up with me and Ginny, I told him. He told me, “Look Ginny loves you to death, don’t know why, but she does. She’s a pretty girl, with a few issues, hell my wife is the same way, one minute she’ll call me a fucking asshole, next she wants to cuddle with me. Here’s the thing though, she has my back, and she is loyal like none other. She might call you an asshole, but god help anyone else who calls you that.”

Later that night, on the way to my stepdads, I stopped at Home Depot with Torino and Commando to have a drink. Commando has been reading my blog, she’s a good friend with great insight. She told me something that made me really think. Commando shoots straight from the hip, she told me she wanted to think I’m 100% right in this situation, but she doesn’t think that.  She pointed out at the time I heard my Mother had cancer, don’t you think it affected Ginny to. Your life is entwined with hers, she was probably thinking about how things are going to change, she might have feelings for your mother, she might of be thinking of the rough times, not just for you, but for the both of you. Just maybe..maybe she blew up because she had a rough time coping with things, and you didn’t give her the respect she deserved about it.  At the end Commando asked me, “Is she worth it?”

Without a doubt, I answered…”Yes, she’s worth it”


Time Flies

Posted in General Life, River on July 11, 2012 by theerivs

My youngest nephew turned 18 today. I am in a bit of a shock. When my nieces and nephews were younger, I had to watch them alot because my brother had them weekends, and well he had to work on weekends alot. So I like to think I had a small part in forming their warped little minds.

The youngest we’ll call Gary for the sake of this blog, was always marching to a different toon then the others. I think one of the funniest stories I have with him involved is this one.

It was a crisp early winter morning  Sunday, and I was asleep in my little beat up bed, my door was closed as the kids were over, and I didn’t want to be disturbed. Then I was awoken by my door being busted in. “You Mother Fucking Fat Piece of Shit” my brother screamed. In my daze I was extremely confused, “Wha?” I replied. My brother yelled, “You ate all the Pop Tarts you son of a bitch”  I began to think, was I that drunk last night, that I ate pop tarts and didn’t even know it, but I didn’t know we even HAD pop tarts, so I go, “What Pop Tarts?”  My brother continues to explain, “The Pop Tarts for the kids, you ate all of them”  I screamed back, “I didn’t even know we had pop tarts, but here’s 10 bucks for new pop tarts, leave me the fuck alone”

Well the part of the story I didn’t know is my brother went to get the kids the Pop Tarts, and when discovering they were all gone, asked the kids where they went. Little Gary about 4 at this time in a funny little kid voice goes, “I think Uncle Chris ate them”  thus setting my brother into a tizzy. Upon later investigation my brother found all these half eaten pop tarts under the couch turns, out little Gary was taking a bite of each one then hiding it for later, then when questioned about it, lied, and ratted me out.

The little devious bastard, I love it. Well he’s 18 now so I’m going to kick his ass for it.  As for me today I feel just a little bit older.

Metaphor for my Life

Posted in General Life with tags on July 10, 2012 by theerivs

So I went to sit on my bed last night…snap one of the wheels on the frame snapped. Now I was already dealing with one broken wheel from months ago.  Ginny kept harping on me to get it fixed, and me in typical stubborn fashion thought it was ok. I would put books under it to even it out, and that was ok.

Like my life when it’s a little broken, I put books under to try to even it out. Then another wheel drops out from under me, shit’s got to change.

Like my life it wasn’t easy. I had to get the bed frame together, carry it down to my car, brought it to the furniture place, and there was problems there, they told me I had to go to their distribution center in another town, and I had to drag the broken one back to my car, I had to raise a fuzz (Ginny would be proud of me, I usually don’t return stuff, and she’s the queen of returning), and finally after much time I got the problem resolved….now all that’s left to do is haul the new one up 3 flights of stair, and put it back together.

So that’s really my life in a nut shell, my life needs to be really fucked up for me to change it, and once I do shit is not easy.

C’est la vie.



Posted in My demons, Pure Insanity with tags on July 9, 2012 by theerivs

I think I finally snapped, between what has all happened. From seeing my mother, trying to pull against her restraints, and in a state of madness, from seeing my dad look like he was near death, the profound sadness over my best friend’s father, or  to having a knife stuck in my heart by my ex-girlfriend.

I feel empty, devoid, numb like there’s no more emotion in me, things just aren’t making me happy like they use too. . It’s not depression, cause sadness would be something. I feel like a robot, or I was made of stone. Usually I get real excited about the annual Tinley Park block party. Not this year, I just don’t even feel like going. I’m kind of forcing myself, going through the motions so to speak. I thought getting my hair dyed blonde would kickstart something, it just didn’t do the trick.

Maybe given time I’ll get back to my old self, but the times have changed, things have changed….perhaps my old self is gone.

Now I’m that Bitch

Posted in General Life, River with tags on July 6, 2012 by theerivs

In preperation for the block party I went blonde again. It’s funny girls get a bigger kick out of it then I do, Girls at the office were all giggly asking me about who did it and stuff.  It’s just funny.


This to shall pass

Posted in Art of Man, General Life, My demons, Philosophy, River with tags on July 5, 2012 by theerivs

So they say. My dad will need dialysis, though it sucks and it will be hard for him. It’s better then his other option….dead. I was watching him sleep, breathing hard yesterday. It strengthen my resolve to get the gastric bypass, I do not want to end up like him. So the pain of gastric bypass, and the trials and tribulations will be well worth it, if in the end I don’t end up having to do dialysis…or worse.

As for my mother, she looks better then she did, but she is still grossly underweight, and her hands are still shaking, and she is still not 100% mentally there. I gave her a birthday card yesterday, she looked at it for about 10 minutes not understanding what it said, in the end I read it.  Ginny brought her a card with a buff guy on the front, My Mom said it looked like me. I told her she keeps talking like that, she’ll never get out of the hospital.

As for Ginny, it was really nice of her to bring my Mom a flower, and a card. I don’t hate Ginny, I really don’t, and perhaps I am being a little harsher then I should be. I feel I must. I want her to be happy, she says she was happy with me. If she was happy I don’t think she would of acted out the way she did, and said the hurtful things she did.  I know she loves me, and cares about me. She accused me of not feeling about it. There are nights I cry thinking over it, and this decision will haunt me for a long time.

Am I making a mistake? Most likely. Will I regret my actions? Most assuredly.  Then why don’t I suck up my pride, and just forgive her, and take her back. Yet again it goes back to my father. Ginny reminds me alot about my mother, a kind gentle woman but there is a streak of selfishness there. My mother left my father over money. After years he spent trying his best to please her, and give her whatever she wanted…she left.  It nearly destroyed my father.  For 8 months I worked to make Ginny happy, but it was never enough. If she truly loved me she wouldn’t of done some of the things she did, not just the exploding at me. The hanging out with all dudes, or going on that bike run. There are certain things a woman in a committed relationship should not do, if she didn’t realize that, then she is selfish.  I WILL NOT end up like my father. So I have to bid her farewell, if she for one moment treated me with a little more compassion, and understanding. Instead of flying off the handle saying some hurtful things, or done things that gave me grief, then we would still be together.

Will I find love again? Will my parents be ok? Will I have the strength for the Gastric Bypass?

I don’t know. I am a slave to fate….but all these troubles will pass. and a new set of problems will arise. it’s the way of things.  I don’t have a Chaos tattoo on me for nothing.