Archive for the My demons Category

The big 4-0

Posted in General Life, My demons, River with tags on September 6, 2012 by theerivs

Well every birthday I do a bit of freaking out. I have real umbrage with growing older. I don’t really want to grow older. Being old to me represents weakness, your body starts breaking down, and when you get to old you become a burden to others…and we ALL know how I hate that.

On the other hand I’m in disbelief I am still alive, and kicking. Even among my older friends from back in the day, they are mildly shocked. I lived a life on the edge. Walking 26th and California at 2am, eating a hostess pie with not a care in the world does take a little bit of insanity.

So the build up begins and wierd strange thoughts go in and out of my head. If I seem wierd or erratic it’s because I’m fucking freaking out over the fact I’m turning 40, and I’m wondering how the fuck I managed that.

Hollow Man

Posted in My demons with tags on August 15, 2012 by theerivs

Monday Hangover

Posted in General Life, My demons with tags on July 30, 2012 by theerivs

No I didn’t really get drunk this weekend. Some things did occur though.

Saturday is the day I usually do my Mom’s shopping. Now she wanted me to use a check, I told her they usually check ID’s for checks. My mother insisted I would be ok. Now sure as shit, when I check out. They want to see ID. I get flustered tell them I have a parking ticket in the car, they said they couldn’t take that. I could of paid for it, but here I am posing as John, (my stepfather), and now I whip out a credit card saying Chris. Yeah police might want to talk to me. So being embarrassed thouroghly I snapped at my mother. Which is the wrong thing to do, but I hate being forced in those situations. Thats why I rarely don’t return shit. I just want to go into the store, do my business, and get the fuck out. I’ll apologize to my mother tonight, next time I’ll set up some rules, and no more checks.

Sunday I went to the bar to grab a beer, and relax on the patio. Turns out I knew some people there. A friends sister which she wants a nickname on this blog, and I can’t just pick one out of the air, but I want a good one for her. I think I will call her Passion, I know it sounds like a stripper name, but Passion has always led with her heart, she has always been there for me, and always got my back. I admire her in a way to wear your heart on your sleeve, and not be unguarded like so many people are today. Also Chris Rock was there, this african american gentleman who after hanging with us at the bar has become our friend, and he looks a little like Chris Rock.  We sat up at JWH, and talked about things. Though I initially wanted to be alone with my thoughts, this was way better. Nothing like sharing a drink with a friend, and letting the world pass you by.

Today I’m back to the grind of working, and living.

Facebook

Posted in General Life, My demons with tags on July 19, 2012 by theerivs

I always disliked Facebook, thats the core reason I post the dirty shit I post. Somewhere along the way, like the movie gladiator I got addicted to the attention it afforded me. When Maximo says at first you will hate the crowd for it, then you will love the crowd for it.

It came to my attention a few of my statuses were finding their way to Ginny, and I looked at my mutual friends, and they are all people I thought were my friends. That hurt me a bit.

Now people are writing things like I’m a coward, and I have no balls. Really the guy who posted whatever he felt like, and had no shame posting pics of myself humping plastic horses, or passed out on the stair of JWH.  Listen the bottomline is I’m tired. I’m tired of being social, and dealing with the drama, and bullshit. I need to just walk away, and find some me time. To relax, and enjoy some quietude.

You can think whatever you want to think, I no longer give a shit.

Emptiness

Posted in My demons, Pure Insanity with tags on July 9, 2012 by theerivs

I think I finally snapped, between what has all happened. From seeing my mother, trying to pull against her restraints, and in a state of madness, from seeing my dad look like he was near death, the profound sadness over my best friend’s father, or  to having a knife stuck in my heart by my ex-girlfriend.

I feel empty, devoid, numb like there’s no more emotion in me, things just aren’t making me happy like they use too. . It’s not depression, cause sadness would be something. I feel like a robot, or I was made of stone. Usually I get real excited about the annual Tinley Park block party. Not this year, I just don’t even feel like going. I’m kind of forcing myself, going through the motions so to speak. I thought getting my hair dyed blonde would kickstart something, it just didn’t do the trick.

Maybe given time I’ll get back to my old self, but the times have changed, things have changed….perhaps my old self is gone.

This to shall pass

Posted in Art of Man, General Life, My demons, Philosophy, River with tags on July 5, 2012 by theerivs

So they say. My dad will need dialysis, though it sucks and it will be hard for him. It’s better then his other option….dead. I was watching him sleep, breathing hard yesterday. It strengthen my resolve to get the gastric bypass, I do not want to end up like him. So the pain of gastric bypass, and the trials and tribulations will be well worth it, if in the end I don’t end up having to do dialysis…or worse.

As for my mother, she looks better then she did, but she is still grossly underweight, and her hands are still shaking, and she is still not 100% mentally there. I gave her a birthday card yesterday, she looked at it for about 10 minutes not understanding what it said, in the end I read it.  Ginny brought her a card with a buff guy on the front, My Mom said it looked like me. I told her she keeps talking like that, she’ll never get out of the hospital.

As for Ginny, it was really nice of her to bring my Mom a flower, and a card. I don’t hate Ginny, I really don’t, and perhaps I am being a little harsher then I should be. I feel I must. I want her to be happy, she says she was happy with me. If she was happy I don’t think she would of acted out the way she did, and said the hurtful things she did.  I know she loves me, and cares about me. She accused me of not feeling about it. There are nights I cry thinking over it, and this decision will haunt me for a long time.

Am I making a mistake? Most likely. Will I regret my actions? Most assuredly.  Then why don’t I suck up my pride, and just forgive her, and take her back. Yet again it goes back to my father. Ginny reminds me alot about my mother, a kind gentle woman but there is a streak of selfishness there. My mother left my father over money. After years he spent trying his best to please her, and give her whatever she wanted…she left.  It nearly destroyed my father.  For 8 months I worked to make Ginny happy, but it was never enough. If she truly loved me she wouldn’t of done some of the things she did, not just the exploding at me. The hanging out with all dudes, or going on that bike run. There are certain things a woman in a committed relationship should not do, if she didn’t realize that, then she is selfish.  I WILL NOT end up like my father. So I have to bid her farewell, if she for one moment treated me with a little more compassion, and understanding. Instead of flying off the handle saying some hurtful things, or done things that gave me grief, then we would still be together.

Will I find love again? Will my parents be ok? Will I have the strength for the Gastric Bypass?

I don’t know. I am a slave to fate….but all these troubles will pass. and a new set of problems will arise. it’s the way of things.  I don’t have a Chaos tattoo on me for nothing.

Here I Go Again On My Own

Posted in Art of Man, My demons, River, Stupidity with tags on June 26, 2012 by theerivs

I had to break up with the one I love. It was very hard because I love her to death. I won’t go into details, but when I needed her love and compassion the most, she only gave me pain, and heartache. I thought she was the one. I thought she was my last. She proved me wrong. I bare her no ill will. I wish her the best, and I hope she finds happiness. Does it hurt? Yes more than you can imagine, but then again pain and misery I felt so much in my life at some point you just become numb to it.

My mother is in the hospital again, and this time it isn’t good. It’s hard to visit her because she is delirous, so much so she is in restraints, and to see someone you love in restraints is enough to drive you to anger. When I get angry, bad things happen. I swear I’m on a knives edge, and about to toss someone out the fucking window at the hospital, but my Mom is only on the second floor, that person won’t get hurt.  I found out Friday that they found Cancer in her colon when they did the operation to repair her messed up colon. They have to run more tests to see how bad it is, they can’t right now because she has to heal from her operation.

Meanwhile I have to spend nights at my mothers, because my stepdad is in such bad shape, he can’t be left alone. I am having a rough time sleeping there, and thank God I can run World of Warcraft off my Mom’s computer, only thing that is keeping me somewhat sane. I have a little resentment towards the fact that the duty falls on my head, but my nephew stepped up one day, let me recharge my battery. I used that day to visit friends, and thank god for my friends. I had so many laughs Sunday, it really did do me good. What will happen to him if something happens to my mother, I don’t know. I really don’t.

Well as bleak as things may seem. I know that this too shall pass, and I’m quite stocked up on whiskey at the house so that’s a good thing