Archive for the Philosophy Category

Moving On

Posted in General Life, Philosophy, Pure Insanity, River with tags on September 10, 2012 by theerivs

It’s funny, I always had a special place in my heart for Ginny. It will be hard for me to move on.For the past ten plus years she has been a part of my life in some form or another. She sent me a text out of the blue, saying she was going to post this picture, in the picture it said, ” I was thinking of getting back with my ex, then again I was thinking of taking a shit in my hands and clapping”  How was I suppose to respond to that. I was I that bad of a boyfriend, when her parents kicked her out I took her in, when she needed money I gave her money, when she had any problem, I helped her solve it.  I didn’t beat her, even though she may say I treated her like shit, I gave her a foot massage almost every day. If that’s treating someone like shit, I really would like someone to treat me like shit too.

 When I heard she went on dates, when we were broken up for a short time, then most recently one of my friends saw her out in public all lovey dovey with a guy. Even though I told my friend I didn’t care, I guess it was the final knock out I needed to realize that if I’m easily replaced then maybe I didn’t mean as much to her, as I did . I mean if you loved someone alot don’t you need a little time to heal, and not jump right back into the saddle.

Maybe it’s just me, perhaps I was just a diluted fool. The japanese say you fall down 7 times, you get up 8 times. It’s one thing us Cavelles are good at it’s surviving, so I’ll pick myself up once more, dust myself up, and live my life.

It started yesterday, there I was  at my favorite bar, with my favorite friends in the whole world, watching my favorite football team, beat up a team I hate, at the end I had pretty girls dancing with me, and I was having tons of fun, and sharing tons of laughs. 

Life is good.

End of an Era

Posted in General Life, Philosophy, River with tags , on August 2, 2012 by theerivs

All thing change, it’s the nature of things. Even though I dislike change, I realize there is nothing I can do to stop it. So I deal with change with this grudgingly forced stoicism. My parents are growing older, and they are in a time in their life they will lean on me more for support. My brother is doing his own thing more. As for me, I have loved and lost.

All of things sadden me just a tad, but one thing that saddens me is my best friend Jackass is moving off of Oak Park Avenue or OPA. It’s the downtown district of my hometown Tinley Park. Though I am very happy for my friend, who is moving on with his life. There is a part of me that is sad, not because I no longer will have a base of operations on OPA, but it’s the final death knell for the end of this era.

No matter how old i get I will always remember the great times spent there. Times like boxing with Hulk Gloves, Jackass swing a bat screaming, “Joe Fucking DiMaggio”, Waking up finding a pot near me, or writing all over me, Chilling with my friends there, pregaming for Bears games. I can go on, and on.  I think the times I cherish the most is when two friend sit and drink on the park bench, and talk about their problems.

I wanted to thank Jackass for his generosity, and all the laughs, not that this is an end, but it is a new chapter, and I’m sure we’ll have a lot of laughs still, but those days in the past were a little simpler, or a little more care free. I think Bob Hope said it best though, “Thanks for the Memories”

Back to almost normal

Posted in General Life, Philosophy, River with tags on July 25, 2012 by theerivs

Man it felt good to sleep in my own bed last night. I had it colder then a mother fucker cause I was so sick of the hot ass back bedroom at my Mom’s. Hell it was so cold I was shivering, electric bill be damned.  Mom is home and doing well, and Dad is home and doing better. They are not done with their ordeals, and we have a long dark path to go, but it’s the simple pleasures in life…like drooling on my own pillows for a change.

On a recommendation of a friend, I picked up a period type book about the Dark Ages, and Vikings, it’s a story about a young english boy who is captured and raised by the Danes, or Vikings as sometimes they are called. Though I love the Vikings, it’s a break from my usual sword and socery fair, science fiction, or horror.  It may be a break, but not far of one. It has Vikings in it for crying out loud.

Being off Facebook is kind of weird, it’s like I’m on an island. It’s not a bad feeling, it’s just different. Like I would say Oh that would be an awesome status…Oh wait no.

Sometimes I wonder if there is Fate, or Destiny…or does man make his own?

Is She Worth It?

Posted in General Life, Philosophy, River with tags , on July 12, 2012 by theerivs

I was all set to live my life alone, condemning myself to whatever fate awaited me, but I think fate may have some other plan in store for me.  As I was staring at this Zen Buddism thing on facebook. It was a koan. It goes like this.  ” A student once asked the master, “I want happiness” The master replied, “First you remove the “I” that is ego, then you remove “want” that is desire, all you have left is happiness”

I thought about it, and realized it’s my old ways of thinking creeping up, being angry or sad at  my expectations of how things should be not being met, instead of enjoying and treasuring what is.

I can’t lie I’ve been missing Ginny lately, not in a horny lustful kind of way…ok that too, but when I was putting the bed together I was missing her just being there,  lending a hand, or just talking to me while I’m working, or maybe even critizing me. I found some stuff of hers, and so I called her to come over and get it.

When I saw her walking up the stairs, with the sun coming in from the outside, she was breathtaking, it was almost like seeing her for the first time, for a second I was struck dumb. I let her in my apartment, at first I told her where her stuff was, and then I expected her to leave, she asked to use the washroom. (good thing I put the toilet paper on the roll). Then we got to talking about the bed, and such. She laid on it to test it out, she asked me to lay next to her. I looked into her eyes, and knew she still loved me.  They say love conquers all, whatever walls I built around my heart came crumbling down in that moment. I surrendered to love.

After that I went to my Dad’s to help move a bed, my brother wanted to know what was up with me and Ginny, I told him. He told me, “Look Ginny loves you to death, don’t know why, but she does. She’s a pretty girl, with a few issues, hell my wife is the same way, one minute she’ll call me a fucking asshole, next she wants to cuddle with me. Here’s the thing though, she has my back, and she is loyal like none other. She might call you an asshole, but god help anyone else who calls you that.”

Later that night, on the way to my stepdads, I stopped at Home Depot with Torino and Commando to have a drink. Commando has been reading my blog, she’s a good friend with great insight. She told me something that made me really think. Commando shoots straight from the hip, she told me she wanted to think I’m 100% right in this situation, but she doesn’t think that.  She pointed out at the time I heard my Mother had cancer, don’t you think it affected Ginny to. Your life is entwined with hers, she was probably thinking about how things are going to change, she might have feelings for your mother, she might of be thinking of the rough times, not just for you, but for the both of you. Just maybe..maybe she blew up because she had a rough time coping with things, and you didn’t give her the respect she deserved about it.  At the end Commando asked me, “Is she worth it?”

Without a doubt, I answered…”Yes, she’s worth it”

 

This to shall pass

Posted in Art of Man, General Life, My demons, Philosophy, River with tags on July 5, 2012 by theerivs

So they say. My dad will need dialysis, though it sucks and it will be hard for him. It’s better then his other option….dead. I was watching him sleep, breathing hard yesterday. It strengthen my resolve to get the gastric bypass, I do not want to end up like him. So the pain of gastric bypass, and the trials and tribulations will be well worth it, if in the end I don’t end up having to do dialysis…or worse.

As for my mother, she looks better then she did, but she is still grossly underweight, and her hands are still shaking, and she is still not 100% mentally there. I gave her a birthday card yesterday, she looked at it for about 10 minutes not understanding what it said, in the end I read it.  Ginny brought her a card with a buff guy on the front, My Mom said it looked like me. I told her she keeps talking like that, she’ll never get out of the hospital.

As for Ginny, it was really nice of her to bring my Mom a flower, and a card. I don’t hate Ginny, I really don’t, and perhaps I am being a little harsher then I should be. I feel I must. I want her to be happy, she says she was happy with me. If she was happy I don’t think she would of acted out the way she did, and said the hurtful things she did.  I know she loves me, and cares about me. She accused me of not feeling about it. There are nights I cry thinking over it, and this decision will haunt me for a long time.

Am I making a mistake? Most likely. Will I regret my actions? Most assuredly.  Then why don’t I suck up my pride, and just forgive her, and take her back. Yet again it goes back to my father. Ginny reminds me alot about my mother, a kind gentle woman but there is a streak of selfishness there. My mother left my father over money. After years he spent trying his best to please her, and give her whatever she wanted…she left.  It nearly destroyed my father.  For 8 months I worked to make Ginny happy, but it was never enough. If she truly loved me she wouldn’t of done some of the things she did, not just the exploding at me. The hanging out with all dudes, or going on that bike run. There are certain things a woman in a committed relationship should not do, if she didn’t realize that, then she is selfish.  I WILL NOT end up like my father. So I have to bid her farewell, if she for one moment treated me with a little more compassion, and understanding. Instead of flying off the handle saying some hurtful things, or done things that gave me grief, then we would still be together.

Will I find love again? Will my parents be ok? Will I have the strength for the Gastric Bypass?

I don’t know. I am a slave to fate….but all these troubles will pass. and a new set of problems will arise. it’s the way of things.  I don’t have a Chaos tattoo on me for nothing.

Happy Valentine’s Day

Posted in General Life, Philosophy, River with tags on February 14, 2012 by theerivs

Once when I was working at FTD, they were giving away sub-par flowers for free. Everyone was aking them to give to their loved ones, I thought for a second. Is this what I want to give the one I love, sub par, imperfect flowers. No I want to give the one I love something perfect, and something from the heart. I am an idealist, and one of the ideals I believe in is love. Sure I’m not perfect, but the ideal of love is. I always want to live up to that ideal. Sure there will be times I fail, but it’s the little things. 

There are many Valentines Day’s I was alone, doesn’t mean I should be devoid of love, and turn to hate. No I took the time to take care of the one I love, myself. I’d go out for a nice dinner, and watched a movie I enjoyed, just spend some quality me time.

 There’s a girl out there, I love to death and I may fuck up at times, we may have our differences, and we may even get angry with each other, but I love her, and I would never give her something sub par, or less then perfect cause she deserves the best….cause she puts up with my insanity.

The point I’m making Love is an ideal worth believing, and fighting for, because as Horace said, Love conquer’s all….let us surrender to it.

The Vikings

Posted in Art of Man, General Life, Philosophy, River with tags on December 15, 2011 by theerivs

I watched the Vikings last night again, and man I love that movie. The person I watched it with maybe not so much. I think this movie pretty much explains how I act at times.

1. Drinking – Vikings just drank to excess. They lived a hard life, and partied hard. To them it was part of being a man, holding your booze.

2. Don’t take any shit– They took what the wanted, by force if they had to, and they didn’t take any shit from anyone.

3. Passionate – They are passionate about their culture, and life. When they hop on a table, and scream “ODIN!”, you feel that passion.

4. The way they face death, is the way they face life– When the King Ragnar, jumps into a pit of starving wolves, sword in hand laughing. That’s how life should be lived, fighting and laughing. The wolves may overtake you, but you never give up, you never stop, and you never stop laughing.

Ever want to learn who, and what I am…then watch this movie, and you might just get me.