Archive for Death

Not There Anymore

Posted in General Life with tags , , on August 5, 2013 by theerivs

Death never gets any easier, I have endured the death of many loved ones, and yet it never becomes easy. Is there a point where it gets easier?  That I don’t know. This weekend a friend of mine passed away. She and I weren’t the closest of friends, I think because we were both guarded people, and not for anything lacking in our friendship, , but she was a good friend in terms she was always there when it counted. . She was always there at the milestones of my life for the past few years, closing in on almost a decade.  Now she won’t be there any longer. She will be sorely missed.

She was a quiet, and shy girl, and I would love to tease her into action. When she would yell at me at some inappropriate thing I did or said, but with her smiling at me. That was a great reward. She didn’t have it easy, and I knew this. So making her laugh and smile was some of the moments I treasured. She’s at peace now though, and I will always remember, and honor her memory. Take care Katie, and Rest in Peace.

My thoughts and prayers go out to her family, her sister, and to the rest of my friends.

One of the Saddest Things in Life

Posted in Art of Man, General Life with tags , , on April 26, 2012 by theerivs

One of the saddest things in life is finding out how many lives someone touches after they pass. You don’t know yourself, but when you pass you see all these people come forward to say they miss you, and how you touched their lives.

Dave was a bouncer at Teehans, almost same time I was a bouncer at Blue Iguana, when I did visit Teehans, Dave always had a handshake, and a smile waiting for me. Over the years we became friends, sure I wasn’t a close friend, but when I saw him we would talk, and share some time for awhile.

My best friends mother passed, and I went to the funeral. There was Dave sitting on the couch of the funeral home. I was like what you doing here, he knew one of the nieces to my best friends mom. I was shocked another moment when I realized the earth really wasn’t that big after all.

I knew Dave wasn’t feeling well, he had problems with his liver. I didn’t know the severity of it, hell I just seen the guy at Teehans a few weeks ago. He passed of liver failure, and to see the outpouring from his friends, and family is a testement of what a nice guy he was.

I hope he can see Facebook Statuses in heaven, cause there were some real touching ones. Take Care Dave, I’ll miss ya.

A Shadow Among Men

Posted in Art of Man, General Life, My demons, Pure Insanity, River with tags , , , on February 9, 2011 by theerivs

“Pulvis et Umbra Sumus” – Horace, Translation ” Dust, and Shadow we are” or We are all just dust, and shadow.

There is a poem one of my favorite, I won’t post the whole thing, but if you know me you might of seem this poem. Basically it says that it would be better to forget me, and smile than to remember me and be sad.

When my best friend died when I was younger it was the hardest thing for me. I felt it should of been me in that casket. I don’t want to visit that pain on any more people than I have to. So I really built up walls. I almost put my family through that pain, but they are family my death would cause them pain no matter how or where I died.

So I built these walls up, I became a shadow, a ghost among people. They would know only River, they wouldn’t know alot of things about me, they wouldn’t know where I live, what I did for a living, except maybe if I worked with them as a bouncer, or knew me a little better. Bottomline I kept my distance. I was happy with friends that were at arm’s length.  Sure I was popular, and I knew alot of people, and  still do, but only a few know the real me, and way back when it was none.

I think that all changed a few years after I started hanging around Jackass. One day he said to me, “I hope you think of me as a friend, and not just a drinking buddy.”  That really got to me. So over the years I slowly started letting people in. This blog helped alot with that, cause here I am more vulnerable, I lay it all on the line so to speak. Lately I’ve let more people into my life, and we our sharing our lives, instead of sharing space together.

Death to me is a constant friend, I faced it so many times it’s not funny. So really to me I am already dead, I just refuse to lay down. Everyday is kind of a little blessing, but one day I will be gone. When Commando told me she loved me and Jackass, it touched me, but it also made me sad. When my death finally comes for me, I know she will be sad at my passing, and it reminded me of the other people that will be sad at my passing.  Envisioning Commando crying over my casket makes me sad.

I care about these people, and if I can spare them any pain, or burden on my part I would. I tried to disconnect from them years ago…but it turns out I care, and love these people too.  I guess the plan of mice and men often go awry, and my plan to keep people out of my life, and to be a shadow, a ghost in life has failed.

Of Death and Dyeing.

Posted in Art of Man, General Life, Philosophy with tags , on March 3, 2010 by theerivs

Yesterday we had to say goodbye to a good friends mother. It wasn’t easy for them I’m sure. I am proud of them though, they handle it way better then I would…to be honest when my parents die, I’ll be pretty much really drunk. I got to say I am really proud of RJ, she gave a reading in front of the church. I don’t think I could do that normally, but she did it under duress. Losing our parents is a crucible, most of us will or have gone through. We no longer have the guidance of our parents there, it’s an end of an era of your life. It’s the realization that these people that have been there since we were babies are not immortal, and that one day they will be gone. 

I am thankful that I have friends in my life though that when my time comes to face my crucible that they will be there making me laugh the pain away, and will be an inspiration to get me through. I just pray that I do the same for my friends, that I bring a little light to a dark and somber time in their life.

Speaking of my friends, their pretty funny….I was driving with them, we were in a somber quiet mood. Then we pass a park, #1 utters from the back seat. “I got finger banged in that park over there.” Me and my other friend, I’ll call him Shotty. Cause we do love the Shots. Shotty pretended like we were puking.  #1 also said something about being skinnier, I replied, “Well you can lose the weight, but you can’t lose the ugly”  Yeah we just ripped on each other, and act immature. So much they call our table the Kids table.

Ya know what though, that’s what life is about it’s full of pain, but it’s the laughs, and the friendships we develop that make it worth living.

That said when I die, I don’t think I want a funeral. I told my friends they’ll just get a letter. “River is dead”, and coupon for one free drink at a bar in Tinley Park of their choice.

A Glorious Death

Posted in General Life, Philosophy with tags on September 1, 2009 by theerivs

When I was a kid I envisioned death to be noble. I modeled my life after guys who died while sitting in the saddle shooting at indians, or take their sword and jump in a pit of starving wolves.

That’s how I wanted to die, in a blaze of gunfire. Not sick in a bed, fading away. As I grow older, and having my Stepfather in the hospital it drives this point home. I don’t want to die like that. That isn’t for me, having someone wipe my ass for me.

When I lived more like a criminal, I was always hoping the next scuffle, the next confrontation would let me die in a manner more fitting of a person like myself. I’ve had guns pulled on me a few times in my life, and every time I wondered is this the day. Will this person have the balls to pull the trigger. As you see I am still here, what can I say, I was filled with alot of hate, and anger back then.

Nowadays I love life, exploring life, and enjoying what I can of it for I know it’s a precious thing. It’s just I still don’t want to die in a nursing home somewhere alone. Make no mistake about it, I want to live…but I want to live well. To me it’s about the quality, not the quantity.

So as I grow older, and the years tick away I wonder when it comes my time, where am I going to find a pit of wolves to jump in with a sword?

Natasha Richardson is dead? So What!

Posted in Philosophy, River with tags on March 19, 2009 by theeriver

Alot of people die, alot of people die tragic deaths. Is she worth more than the Grandma that sliped and died, or the son that got hit by a drunk driver. No she is not. Is she worth more because she was famous, No she is not.

It’s not that I don’t care about her, I don’t know her. Just because she played someone on TV, doesn’t mean I know her. She could kick puppies for all I know. A simple blurb in the News was all that needed, not a media blitz. The one thing I care about, the one thing I hope people take away from all the stupid media coverage is, that no matter how far we rise, or how low we fall, whether we are the richest man on Earth, or the poorest. We all must face our death, it’s the one true thing that binds us.

That’s why all men are created equal, because we all must die.

Wakes and Funeral Services.

Posted in General Life, Philosophy, River with tags , , , on December 2, 2008 by theeriver

Let me first say, I hate wakes, and funerals. My ideal way to pass from this world is to have no one really know if I am dead or alive. No wake, no funeral. No nothing. Hell the only people I truly want to know I passed is my family. Even then not really.

Yes Wakes and Funerals and such are ways to put a close on things, to finalize the moment of someones passing. Not me. I want people guessing. “Hey I haven’t seen River in awhile, I wonder what happened to him, I think someone saw him at Dunkin Donuts the other day.”

I don’t want to remember someone as dead and sick, I want to remember them alive.  Thats how I want people to remember me, no tears, no sappy songs.  I want to be remembered how I lived, not how I died.

So if you know me, and I disappear don’t take it personally.

I went to the memorial service for a good guy yesterday, he will be missed. I refuse to remember him as the guy that died from lung cancer. I’ll remember him as the guy who called me “Mr. River”, the guy who loved to cook, which was nice cause I loved to eat. I’ll remember the guy who at 60+ was right next to me in the biggest brawl I ever had a bar lending a hand. I’ll remember the guy,  spending countless hours together would tell me stories of his past, all the while making me laugh.  Finally I’ll remember the guy who at the end of the night would go, “Mr. River we need a shot.” Then we would have a shot of Crown Royal, and end our day.

Well Jimmy, I’ll meet ya at Dunkin Donuts, get me a large coffee, extra cream.