This is worth living for…

and for that matter, dying for as well.

One of My Dark Secrets.

Ok sorta a bunch of Dark Secrets. I told you I was insane, and I didn’t lie.  Now what I am about to tell you no one really knows the truth but my family.

First off let me begin by saying that I am the type of person who doesn’t like to be a burden to anyone, I would rather die then let someone suffer for my stupidity.

Lets go back many moons ago I was locked in depression, and alone. At this time my health wasn’t good, and there are problems from my health physically making me look bad, so it affected my self-esteem.  This led my gambling demons to spiral out of control, I would be at the boat alot, like almost every other day for copious amount of time…I spent everything I had my rent, my car money.  I lost my best friend to suicide not too long ago, I wanted to join him.

I decided my life wasn’t worth living. In my mind I would end up dead, my legs probably chopped off, connected to some tubes, penniless and just an overall burden to the ones I loved. I sunk to an all time low, and I didn’t want to beg anyone for help. I prepared myself to die.

It was the coldest winter morning that day. I think it was like -10 degrees and worse with wind chill. It was a good day to die. I emailed my suicide letters to my family, and one to the girl I loved. This girl we’ll call Laura. She was going to school at ISU at the time, I loved her, and thought she loved me. Turns out she didn’t though I was hurt, she is not the reason I wanted to die. In fact she was probably the reason I just didn’t take my gun, and blow my brains out right there and then. I had to drive down to ISU that day to tell her it’s not her fault that I am doing this, and that I loved her.

It was a wierd day to say the least. I went down to ISU, she was home. I told her to read my email, she started bawling, and begging me to not to do it. Stay with her, so on and so forth. I walked away while she was crying for me to come back. I then drove to where I wanted to die.

I chose Vogt Woods, it was a happy place of my childhood, Mark 4 playground, Bulldogs field. It being a cold winter day it was a beautiful scene, but now my family pretty much put an APB out for me, looking for me, and calling me relentlessly and frantically. I sat on the bench of Vogt Woods, drinking a bottle of Jack thinking of my life.

Now this is the wierd part, my uncle and cousin actually found me. Call it divine, or call it a lucky hunch. They found me. My Uncle next to my dad is the one man I love, and respect the most. At his command I would pluck my own eyes out. My cousin is like a brother to me. I was stunned.  I told them I was going to do it. My Uncle the man who doesn’t say much, had plenty to say. He begged me no to. He cried, I never seen my Uncle cry ever, but he cried. My cousin too. If they loved me so much, how can I not love myself.  I gave my Uncle the gun, and I sought help.

I spent a few weeks in the mental hospital. They said I could leave in a day or two, but they lied. I was a prisoner. I remember the second night there I was in such a rage it took 6 orderlies to stop me, and drug me up. After I roughed a few up, and tossed a chair at a window, a plastic chair doesn’t break a reinforced window by the way, not the effect I was going after.  Anyway the next morning I woke up, refreshed all the rage spent. I looked out the window and saw all the people going to work on the cold winter day, and thought that must suck. Then it dawned on me. I’m not them. This is my life. I only have one. I want to live it. Over the next few days I would come up with the mantra that is the rock for which holds me firm in a sea of troubles. 

These sayings explain my mantra, or my philosophy.

1. “The worst day above ground, is better than the best day below it” 

I don’t know what will happen when I die, it could be a lake of burning fire, or angels playing harp for all I know. I do know when I’m dead…My life as I know it will cease to be, so I have to take what this life is worth and make the best out of it. To take the worst and savor it, for even at its worst there is some good in life.

2. “I use to complain about having no shoes, until I saw a man with no feet”

It’s kind of like looking at the glass half full, instead of half empty. Ya know in that mental hospital it made me realize I have alot of people who love me, and that would help me regardless of how much of a burden I am. In there I saw a lot of people who didn’t have anyone coming to visit them, but they were still happy playing Uno. I also went to Gamblers Anonymous, man I thought I had gambling problems…shew.  

3.  “To remove suffering you must remove desire”

This is from Zen Buddhist beliefs. Which I firmly believe is my problem, my pain and suffering mentally comes from me WANTING something in my life and not having it. I am always trying to emotional divorce myself from my desire, to live in the moment. To enjoy the sensation of life.   

4. “Suicide is a permanent solution to temporary problems.”

There is  an old saying, “time heals all wounds”, and it does. Problems come, and they go like the rain, but you have to weather the storm.  There’s help out there if you need it. This is one of the greatest countries in the world in that there is help out there, all you have to do is swallow your pride, and ask.

5. “Don’t take your life to seriously, you’ll never get out alive”

Think that’s from a movie, but the point is life is fun, and beautiful you just need to know where to look. I love to “people watch”, wondering what amazing things must be going on in their heads. It’s amazing, take a look at the miracles around us and quit being so cynical, and jaded. All this life going on around me, how can I take part. How can I enrich my life, by enriching someone elses, which leads into my last point.

6. “It’s not about me”

Ever go to a funeral, and see how many lives this person effected and get amazed. Your life is like a pebble thrown into a still pond. The rings of the wake resonant outward affecting everything. Sort of like in the movie ”It’s a Wonderful Life”  If George Bailey wasn’t there, he couldn’t of saved his brother from drowning, thus his brother could have saved some other people.  

Why am I writing this, cause someone close to me is battling depression in their family, and I know it’s rough. I dragged my family through it. When shit is really bad, when my disease hits me, and I’m shaking in my bed from fever, and my leg blows up the size of an elephants, I’m in so much pain, I’m almost snorting Vicodins. I wonder if I should have pulled the trigger so long ago, nothing really has changed. I am still a genetic mess, I still don’t have much money, I am still alone.

Then I know, I’m glad I didn’t. Cause if I did pull that trigger, I would of never had a wonderful time living with my Uncle, Aunt, and Cousins. I would of never learned, “It’s called Responsibility Asshole” or the times we never rolled on Shabbos. I wouldn’t of met such wonderful people like #1, Jackass, Mike D, Nascar, Towelie, RJ, Commando, Torino, Young Frankeinstein, Ricky Bobby, All the rest of the people who I have laughed with, and enjoyed life with since that day.  If I pulled that trigger, I wouldn’t have the awesome job I have now. I wouldn’t have been there for my Mom in her time of need, I wouldn’t have been there for some Awesome Block Party’s laughing it up with my friends. The list goes on and on of what I would have missed if I pulled that trigger. So I’m not going to lie, life sucks, but if you check out now….what will you miss?

If you are contemplating suicide I ask you to go seek help. It’s a selfish act, the pain you would cause by your death is more than you will ever imagine. I know I’ve been on both sides of the fence. Suicide is the cowards way out, it’s alot tougher to live and deal with your problems, then to off yourself. I have gained alot of respect for those who endure, then those who don’t.  If you ever want someone to talk about, I don’t care if you’re a long time friend, or a person just coming across this blog. you can anonymously email me at cc0926 (at) gmail.com  My door is always open, I’ve been to prison, mental institute, and I’ve been to college. I’ve been around the block so there is nothing that will toss me a curve ball, if you don’t talk to me. I don’t care who you get help from, but I urge you to swallow your false pride, seek some sort of help. 

My brother called me crazy one day, I told him no I’m not. because of my stay with the state mental institute, I got papers saying that I am sane….does he?

Strange Things Afoot

I woke up this morning to go to work as is my usual doings in the morning, and my passenger car door was slightly open, and my passenger visor was down, and the mirror was open. Like someone came in looked at themeselves in the mirror and left.

Nothing else appeared to be disturbed, or stolen. I had some garbage on the floor. it didn’t look messed about. Now if it was one of my friends mucking about. Most of my friends don’t know where I live. I think only 2, both of them girls. One lives close, the other in Oak Lawn.

Or if it is some local kids, or thieves why not anything, I mean nothing was taking, or even damaged. Though not much of value in the car, but if your a punk, I’m surprised they didn’t fuck with anything.  Why the visor down, and the mirror. Looking at yourself in someone elses car.

I leave my car open most of the time, because I feel if they take, steal, or fuck up my shit they would do it anyway, locked door or not. Plus if I catch them, and I don’t know them I will pluck out their heart, and eat it while it’s still beating for being insolent fools to defile my property.

Bushido – The Way of the Samurai

I am a big believer of alot of Zen Buddhist beliefs, and Samurai way of the thinking. If you ever get a chance you should read The Five Rings by Miyamato Mushashi, or Hagakure by Yamamoto Tsunetomo

Bushido means Way of the Warrior. I endeavor to follow it in all my dealings. I’ll share it with you.

1. Rectitude -(Gi) Uprightness of Mind. Honesty, Integrity.

2. Courage – (Yuu)- Quality of Confident Character.

3. Benevolence(Jin) – Disposition to do good.

4. Respect(Rei) – An attitude of consideration or high regard.

5. Honesty(Makoto) – To be Truthful

6. Honor (Yo)- To have dignity.

7. Loyalty(Chuu)  - Unswerving in Allegience.

 

Dr. Phil

My brother calls me that, cause on occasion this girl, or that girl will call me and I listen to their problems and I try to give them advice, or just listen to them.  He chastises me, he says the guys that listen to girls problems doesn’t get laid. Which is probably true. He also says that a friend is a boyfriend that doesn’t get laid. Which might be true as well. My brother’s been married 3 times, don’t know if I want to take relationship advice from him though. My brother just doesn’t understand, that when your dead and buried it doesn’t matter how many people you fucked. It’s not about how much money you have in the bank, it’s not how big your house is, or how fast your car went.

When your dead, people will remember who you are, and how you touched their lives….how will you be remembered? Did you make a positive impact in someone’s life. To me that is the most important thing, that I add to someone’s life, and not take away from it.

When I was younger, I lost a couple dear friends of mine, I vowed never, ever not have the time to listen to someone. If I talked to these people would it of saved their lives, I don’t know. But I will never turn away a friend if they have a problem, no matter what is in between their legs.

So if that makes me a pussy. So be it.

Monday Hangover

I was such a good boy this weekend.

Friday I stayed fixed a friends Computer.

Saturday I had a few beers, Jackass was out of control. His girlfriend Paparrazi tried to jump on me. No if I know you, and I mean really know you I don’t mind fucking around, but if I don’t really know you don’t try jumping on me, and doing stupid shit with me, especially when I’m sober. Homey don’t play that. So Paparrazi tried to jump on me, and really I didn’t know she was going to do it. So she jumped. I didn’t catch her. She dropped like a sack a potatoes.

Jackass was so out of it, there was reports of him showing his penis out in the beer garden to an old couple. Now it was probably his thumb through his zipper, cause the old people said it was pretty decent size. Anywho, I had to smooth things over with the manager, and give Jackass a talking too.

I got a call from Commando, and Torino saying Jackass was wondering Oak Park Ave. later that night mumbling to himself.  Oh well Tinley Park Jail is pretty good, so I had no worries.

Sunday…I get a text from Commando, were going to Jackass’s for a drink. Oh well I said I was going to see Boondock Saints 2, (It was AWESOME btw) I’ll stop by afterwards I haven’t seen Commando, and Torino . So I stopped by Jackass. “Where’s Commando, and Torino?”  Jackass replied, “They went to split pea soup..”  “WHAT?” I asked.  Right then and there I knew, it was a trap. So I started drinking with Jackass, and Paparazzi. She passed out. So me and Jackass hit the bars.

I won a little money on the Poker Machines, so that means let the games commence. Went to Teehans for a few, went old school did some Black Haus. Then we hit JWH, where we met up with Geek Princess, and her friends. We did an asston of Apple Pies.  Then it was back to Durbins, where Clare Shittenglass showed up, and we had some more.  I headed home about 1:30 in the AM.

How bad was I, I woke this morning still drunk. I was a real bad boy last night, and really the only people I can blame is Commando, and Torino. I hope that split pea was fricking fantastic, cause I’m making Torino carry my casket himself when my liver collapses.

Is this a stick up?

In more ways than one!

Pic of the Week

Ok I watched I Love You Beth Cooper, and the chick on there is a little hottie. Hayden Panettiere

 

 

Inspirational Story.

An old online gaming friend of mine posted something, thought I would share. I thought it was a touching story.

I know Sans is not one of your favorite people Mike, but it’s still a good story…so piss off 

Read the story before watching the video:

The One-Arm One-Leg Ballet:

“The girl (Ma, Li) was a beautiful promising professional ballerina when she lost her right arm in a car accident in 1996. She was only 19. Her handsome boy friend walked away from her.

She tried to kill herself only to be saved by her parents. Her love for her parents gave her the strength to live. She learned how to live her life independently.

Five years later in 2001, she was invited to compete at the 5th national special performing art competition for handicaps and won the gold medal. That success gave her the hope to return to her beloved stage.

In 2002, a handsome 20-year-old young man (Li, Tao) madly fell in love with her. She ran a way from him for fear of being hurt again.

After she disappeared in Beijing, Tao searched her up and down despite his parents’ strong objection and ridicule.

He finally found her dancing in a bar. They have never been separated since.

In September 2005, she ran into a 21-year-old young man (Zhai, Xiaowei). He was being trained to be a cyclist for the national special olympics. He had never danced before.

He climbed on a tractor when he was 4 years old and fell off it and lost his left leg. His dad asked him, “The doctor will have to amputate your leg. Are you afraid?” He couldn’t comprehend what would be so different so he said no. His dad said, “You are going to face many challenges and difficulties in life, are you afraid?”

He asked, “What are ‘challenges and difficulties?’ Do they taste good?” His dad laughed with tears, “Yes, they’re like your favorite candies. You just need to eat them one piece at a time!” (Then his dad ran out of the room in tears.)

So he’s always very optimistic and athletic with a great sense of humor. He had tried high-jump, long-jump, diving, swimming, and just settled on cycling.

His coach believed that he would be able to get 2-3 gold medals in the national special Olympics games. (In the video interview, you can see him doing a bridge with great ease!)

He initially didn’t understand how he could “dance,” so Li invited him to see her performing “Hand in Hand” with another male actor. He felt that he saw a perfect soul dancing on the stage and agreed to give it a try.

And the rest is history.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LnLVRQCjh8c

 

 

I think that got me was the Dad telling the son about challenges.  I was feeling a little down today. This kind picked me up, that and I was thinking about that lady with no face on Oprah. What the hell am I complaining about, my health, my money, whatever…that chick has NO face. I’m a blessed motherfucker.

Happy Veterans Day.

First off Happy Veterans Day to our US Military, Past and Present.

It’s funny when I was 18 if I was 25 pounds lighter my life story would of been alot different. I weighed 275 in High School Senior Year, and I wanted to join the Marines. I went into the recruiting office, and they were like, “How much do you weigh?”  Me wanting to be a good soldier snapped back, “275, sir”  He then goes, “Sorry son, Marines won’t take you unless your 250.”  He gave me some diet tips, and pointed me to the door. I never checked out the Army, don’t know what requirements they had. I am the type if I was going to do something, not to do it half assed. If your joining the military, Marines are as hard core as you get.  

I wonder how my life would of turned out if I did go into the service, better…..worse. Who knows! The bottom line is my heart is with our military and I wish I could of been out there with you taking names, and kicking ass. God Bless them, and Thank you.