Archive for June, 2009

Being a Monster

Posted in General Life, My demons with tags on June 30, 2009 by theerivs

I told you I was insane, now it’s time to share a little bit of that insanity. When you get angry, you might lose some control, when I get angry…real angry I turn into a Monster.  You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry.  

When I was born the doctor declared, “Look at that Monster!” My Mom thought I was a mutant. It’s a theme that would follow me for all my life. My earliest memories of when people would say, “Look at the paws on this kid, he’s going to be a monster.”  I was the biggest kid in my school all the way up to High School, which I was pretty much in the top 5 of the biggest kids in school.

They wanted a Monster, I will give them one. I remember the exact moment I let the Monster out.  I was in 4th grade, a 6th grade bully was picking on me. I flipped out, I grabbed him by the throat, shoved him against the wall. I remember just choking him, and him begging me to stop. A teacher pulled me off of him, and I later had to apologize. I wasn’t sorry though.

I never was a bully, but when pushed enough I would let the Monster go. It’s alot like the Hulk is, Savage, and Animalistic. I am not in full control when it is upon me. No I don’t turn green, and gain superhuman strength.  I have taken steel chairs, cue sticks, and assorted other things upside my head without a mere flinch.  I know I am not the strongest person, but what I lack in strength I make up in craziness. It’s the savagery that wins out, most people are worried about something. I do not care about my personal welfare when the Monster is upon me. So that usually wins the day.

In Football, I was in my element, I would let the hate consume me. I remember an opposing team member was on the ground, instead of helping him up, I spit on him, and said “Stay down, Mother Fucker” That hat led me to an “Most Improved Player” Award, as well as a bunch more accolades.

After that the outlet for the Monster was bouncing. I remember one time, while bouncing I was beating the crap out of a guy, the one with the cuestick that hit me, his blood was splattering all over me from hitting him, and I was laughing, and enjoying it.  By the time I was done with him, he was a crying, bloody mess, and the cops then hauled him off. 

There are alot of bad things I done, and this Monster helped me accomplish my goals when I needed things done. For example a bookie paying me money to beat the crap out of someone, or someone who threatened a love one. It helped me when I was in Jail, for to survive there you need to be a Monster, for there are only Monsters in jail. Part of the problem is I enjoy the savagery. I enjoy the Monster, and when he is out. I never felt more alive. Things slow down, take on a surreal quality. dreamlike almost.  The fear in another man’s eyes, the power of a fist connecting, blood all over the place, yours or theirs. Luckily I never killed anyone, I could of easily, and there are many, many times I could of crossed that line.  

When I was younger, and full of hate I didn’t mind being the Monster. The bad one, the evil one. I relished it, delved in it, became the Monster everyone wanted. Now that I’m older though, and try to be a better person, though as hard as I try to lose the person I once was, when I still look in the mirror, and I still see the Monster staring back at me. Though no matter how much I change for the better, there will be a Monster still lurking around.  

Why am I telling you this, because I came to realize Monsters don’t end up happily ever after.

Monday Not So Hungover

Posted in General Life with tags on June 29, 2009 by theerivs

Friday night went out, and got hammered, as per the usual. There’s one bartender there who is really hot, but I always give her a hard time. Like last Halloween, I was drunk, and she was wearing some sort of cop outfit. I told her, “That costume looks stupid.” Well I felt bad, apologized, but I always say it to make fun of her. This Friday she was wearing glasses. I told her, “Your not fooling anyone, those glasses don’t really make you look any smarter.” She was like, “Fuck you River!” We laughed though about it.

Saturday I watched the Cubs/Sox travesty with my buddies, Jackass, and German. I was talking to a girl that I really like, who happens to be a little young. I didn’t know how young until she said, “My mom’s boyfriend who’s 32….” I just was like ok, either her mom really likes younger guys, or her mom is around my age. I felt old.

Saturday night, well #1 is probably pissed, and there might be some upset friends amongst my gathering of friends. I had plans that evening, unfortunately someone planned a party the same day, so I told that person I couldn’t make it. Where was I? None of your business. Sure it’s shady, but my friends are a nosy lot, and they are persistant, they kept calling me to come to the party, which made me laugh. I hate questions, and queries into my personal life. Though I write alot of my life on this blog, there are somethings I do, or go on in my life that are a bit too personal, and sometimes incrimidating. So you won’t hear of it here. Actually alot of the inner goings on do not end up here. My life is really about Smoke and Mirrors, like a magician of sorts my left hand is moving around, while my right is hidden. One friend told me she shared everything with me, it should work both ways. Maybe it should, but I am the type I will stand with you at the Gates of Hell, just don’t ask me where I came from, or how i got there.

Speaking of Hell, Sunday I saw Drag Me to Hell. Excellent movie. I loved Sam Raimi Evil Dead series, and this is a triumphant return to that type of movie, horror, with a little dose of comedy. Great film.

Remember the Time

Posted in General Life with tags on June 26, 2009 by theerivs

Ok I like Micheal Jackson, he’s a little bit of a freak, but he made some decent music. Here’s the thing though that is quite irritating, It’s like people are acting as if a saint died. Ok he’s dead do we need tributes, and day long M.J. music marathon. I don’t hate the guy, so I won’t say anything bad. When your that famous, and have that much money, and power I think it will make you a little goofy. Was he a pediophile? I don’t know for sure so I won’t condemn a man who was never proven guilty.  I’ll give him a Rest in Peace, and move on.

I took the Microsoft Test Yesterday, All I got to say is epic fail on my part.  I took Windows Server 2008:Active Directory, Configuring test 70-640. Which means it’s mostly background server stuff, it isn’t the day to day operations of things. Well in the past a MS test was like 45-60 questions, multiple choice, pretty easy.

What they gave me was nothing of the sort. They gave me a prototype test they just started. 2 Lab tests, and then 30 questions. The Labs were an hour each with a laundry list things to do. I did most of them, and I don’t think I did that bad, but I knew I forgot something. Also they had 30 questions. Now my biggest weakness is Certificates, which is about 15% of what I need to know on this test, 11 of the 30 questions guess what it was on, yep that’s right Certificates. 

Really no one to blame for failing but me, I was underprepared. I tried to get the test in by the end of the June because it was free. Not making excuses, just letting others know that might be taking these tests that never took them. This is the wave of the future, these lab tests. Which I think is a good thing, tests your knowledge better. This test though is so new, they can’t even tell me where I screwed up, or even if I truly indeed failed. They are going to review it, and let me know if they reverse the score.

For now I may have failed, but it was a complete loss. I learned what the test was about. I will be more prepared next time. It’s not really something I HAVE to do, I just want to do it. It looks great on the resume, but I have so many years experience doing this it’s sick. I’ll head back into the breach mid August. July there are too many distractions that will be happening.

My Dad cracked me up yesterday he goes, “Hmm maybe I don’t want you fixing my computer, since you didn’t pass.” I replied, ” Well if I ever need to find the postalCode attribute to allow replication of it, I’ll pay for someone else to fix it.”


***Edit for Mike—


Something to lift up people’s spirits!

Posted in Uncategorized on June 26, 2009 by Mike

With the recent celebrity deaths in the news, its time we focus on the positive things we still have in this world.

There are so many things right about this picture.

There are so many things right about this picture.

Little Man’s Disease.

Posted in General Life with tags on June 24, 2009 by theerivs

I remember when I was a bouncer, the big guys rarely gave me any problems. It was the little guys that caused me most of my grief. Either they thought maybe they had something to prove, or they were just generally bigger assholes. I don’t know which.

One time I was in one of those wild west bar brawls, and a little guy grabbed my throat. It took a second to register what he was trying to do because I’m 6’5″ , probably pushing 400lbs or more. This guy was 5 foot, maybe 120lbs, or so.  So he grabs my throat, and like I said for a second just looked at him, then started laughing, and said, “What the hell do you think your doing?” His hands were around my throat, but he wasn’t doing anything, not even a loss of breath. He just looked at me with this look of horror. I punched him so hard, he went down and out.

Why am I telling you this.  North Korea said they wanted to wipe us off the map. I think they got a serious case of Little Man’s Disease.

Woody Allen said “Eighty percent of success is showing up”

Posted in General Life with tags on June 23, 2009 by theerivs

It’s the other 20 percent, I’m freaking out about.

When it comes to computers, I am no slouch. I realize, I don’t know everything, but I pick things up quickly, sometimes intuitively because I am very logical, and understand the underlying things that make computers tick.  I call myself a computer idiot savant, cause I know how to fix things sometimes, and I know not how I know.  Computers, and my job are a short list of what I take seriously in life. When I use to work FTD, I use to travel all over America.  I use to just go to the job, and the hotel thats it. I had to make it a point to do something fun, because I am all about the job. I hate doing side jobs, because I take so much pride in my work, failure is not an option. Things go wrong I take it personally.  At my current job, last year I had zero sick days, none. Computers to me is not just what I do, it’s who I am. My work defines me.

As I study for an upcoming Microsoft Test, it is undermining my confidence. The concepts, and things brought forward in these tests are stuff I rarely see in the day to day operations.  Some of the concepts like DNS stub zones, bridgehead servers, and alot of the certificate stuff is really throwing me for a loop.

I pushed it back once, cause I’m not that confident, I had to push it back one more day, because of work issues. That’s it though I can’t push it back anymore. I have to take this test Thursday, and if I pass it will be a minor miracle, no scratch that a major miracle. So much so I am thinking of just canceling it. Though it is a free test, and I hate to waste it. I got a free voucher from my school.

In reality, If I don’t pass, I would of just wasted my time, and a little money.  Though in my head, if I fail, it’s a blow to my ego. It tells me maybe I am not that good. It would sting alot.

Well first thing is first, I need to show up at the test. I’ll worry about the other 20 percent when I get there.

Monday Hangover

Posted in General Life with tags on June 22, 2009 by theerivs

Hello True Believers, River here with another tale of self deprecation, and debauchery. 

Friday I actually stayed in, studied for a Microsoft test coming up, relaxed played some video games, and watched some movies.  No not porn…..ok a little porn.

Saturday did my duty as a son, and went to my Mom’s. Stopped at a Starbucks beforehand, I needed some caffeine badly, and a friend hooked me up with some scones (which I love), and a large iced coffee. Which really was something, but she offered to deliver stuff to my mom, which touched me. She’s a good person, I hope the universe gives her only goodness. The great thing is she’s going out with my friend who is also a good person, which makes me even happier. So many nice girls I know, just go out with douchebags, which breaks my heart.  Well their both good people. I made sure to buy her a little booze later that evening as we were going to the same party.

The party I went to was my friend’s parents 30th Anniversery party. It was a great time, all you can drink beer. The food was good, plus there was cake, which next to pie is one of my favorite things.  End of the night though, the wander lust struck me at around midnight. I said some goodbyes, I might of missed some people. Jackass drove down there, so I didn’t want to disturb him.  I just started walking to the main strip. As I was walking I ran into a couple local girls outside a bar on the way,  that I have known for a long time. It’s always nice to run into them. One of them is a pretty good cook, well you know the old adage the quickest way to a guy’s heart is through his stomach.

Jackass appeared at the other bar, then we proceeded to the other bars. Some little highlights I remember. I had beads on and girls asked me how I got them, I told them, ” I had to flash my titties”  They seemed to get a kick out of that. I also remember hitting on several girls, especially one at Durbins, who I just think she hates me to death, but I still hit on her to aggravate.

It was a good time, I passed out at Jackasses, but had to rise bright and early for Fathers Day. I had about 2 hours sleep, and had to meet my dad for breakfast, and I had to pick up my Grandfather, and Grandmother. So I drank one of those 5 hour energy shots, downed a couple Red Bulls, and went on my way. I love my Grandmother, She’s this 88 year old, old school Italian 5 foot. nothing lady, telling my Dad a 64 year old big mofo his shirt looks horrible, and him going, “Mom quit picking on me.”  Worth every second of lost sleep. I paid the bill, and gave my father, and grandfather their gifts. It was good, it marks kinda that I am getting older, and they let me pick up the tab.  I then went over to my Stepdad’s and Mom. I give my Stepdad a little some every year. He’s a good man, he’s helped me numerous ways, is my accountant, but most of all he takes care of my Mom. That alone deserves not only my respect, but my gratitude.

After which I went home, #1 called me to go out, and I wanted to, but I had to get some studying in, and I was way too tired. So I gave the usual I don’t roll on shabbos excuse.