Archive for June, 2009

Being a Monster

Posted in General Life, My demons with tags on June 30, 2009 by theerivs

I told you I was insane, now it’s time to share a little bit of that insanity. When you get angry, you might lose some control, when I get angry…real angry I turn into a Monster.  You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry.  

When I was born the doctor declared, “Look at that Monster!” My Mom thought I was a mutant. It’s a theme that would follow me for all my life. My earliest memories of when people would say, “Look at the paws on this kid, he’s going to be a monster.”  I was the biggest kid in my school all the way up to High School, which I was pretty much in the top 5 of the biggest kids in school.

They wanted a Monster, I will give them one. I remember the exact moment I let the Monster out.  I was in 4th grade, a 6th grade bully was picking on me. I flipped out, I grabbed him by the throat, shoved him against the wall. I remember just choking him, and him begging me to stop. A teacher pulled me off of him, and I later had to apologize. I wasn’t sorry though.

I never was a bully, but when pushed enough I would let the Monster go. It’s alot like the Hulk is, Savage, and Animalistic. I am not in full control when it is upon me. No I don’t turn green, and gain superhuman strength.  I have taken steel chairs, cue sticks, and assorted other things upside my head without a mere flinch.  I know I am not the strongest person, but what I lack in strength I make up in craziness. It’s the savagery that wins out, most people are worried about something. I do not care about my personal welfare when the Monster is upon me. So that usually wins the day.

In Football, I was in my element, I would let the hate consume me. I remember an opposing team member was on the ground, instead of helping him up, I spit on him, and said “Stay down, Mother Fucker” That hat led me to an “Most Improved Player” Award, as well as a bunch more accolades.

After that the outlet for the Monster was bouncing. I remember one time, while bouncing I was beating the crap out of a guy, the one with the cuestick that hit me, his blood was splattering all over me from hitting him, and I was laughing, and enjoying it.  By the time I was done with him, he was a crying, bloody mess, and the cops then hauled him off. 

There are alot of bad things I done, and this Monster helped me accomplish my goals when I needed things done. For example a bookie paying me money to beat the crap out of someone, or someone who threatened a love one. It helped me when I was in Jail, for to survive there you need to be a Monster, for there are only Monsters in jail. Part of the problem is I enjoy the savagery. I enjoy the Monster, and when he is out. I never felt more alive. Things slow down, take on a surreal quality. dreamlike almost.  The fear in another man’s eyes, the power of a fist connecting, blood all over the place, yours or theirs. Luckily I never killed anyone, I could of easily, and there are many, many times I could of crossed that line.  

When I was younger, and full of hate I didn’t mind being the Monster. The bad one, the evil one. I relished it, delved in it, became the Monster everyone wanted. Now that I’m older though, and try to be a better person, though as hard as I try to lose the person I once was, when I still look in the mirror, and I still see the Monster staring back at me. Though no matter how much I change for the better, there will be a Monster still lurking around.  

Why am I telling you this, because I came to realize Monsters don’t end up happily ever after.

Monday Not So Hungover

Posted in General Life with tags on June 29, 2009 by theerivs

Friday night went out, and got hammered, as per the usual. There’s one bartender there who is really hot, but I always give her a hard time. Like last Halloween, I was drunk, and she was wearing some sort of cop outfit. I told her, “That costume looks stupid.” Well I felt bad, apologized, but I always say it to make fun of her. This Friday she was wearing glasses. I told her, “Your not fooling anyone, those glasses don’t really make you look any smarter.” She was like, “Fuck you River!” We laughed though about it.

Saturday I watched the Cubs/Sox travesty with my buddies, Jackass, and German. I was talking to a girl that I really like, who happens to be a little young. I didn’t know how young until she said, “My mom’s boyfriend who’s 32….” I just was like ok, either her mom really likes younger guys, or her mom is around my age. I felt old.

Saturday night, well #1 is probably pissed, and there might be some upset friends amongst my gathering of friends. I had plans that evening, unfortunately someone planned a party the same day, so I told that person I couldn’t make it. Where was I? None of your business. Sure it’s shady, but my friends are a nosy lot, and they are persistant, they kept calling me to come to the party, which made me laugh. I hate questions, and queries into my personal life. Though I write alot of my life on this blog, there are somethings I do, or go on in my life that are a bit too personal, and sometimes incrimidating. So you won’t hear of it here. Actually alot of the inner goings on do not end up here. My life is really about Smoke and Mirrors, like a magician of sorts my left hand is moving around, while my right is hidden. One friend told me she shared everything with me, it should work both ways. Maybe it should, but I am the type I will stand with you at the Gates of Hell, just don’t ask me where I came from, or how i got there.

Speaking of Hell, Sunday I saw Drag Me to Hell. Excellent movie. I loved Sam Raimi Evil Dead series, and this is a triumphant return to that type of movie, horror, with a little dose of comedy. Great film.

Remember the Time

Posted in General Life with tags on June 26, 2009 by theerivs

Ok I like Micheal Jackson, he’s a little bit of a freak, but he made some decent music. Here’s the thing though that is quite irritating, It’s like people are acting as if a saint died. Ok he’s dead do we need tributes, and day long M.J. music marathon. I don’t hate the guy, so I won’t say anything bad. When your that famous, and have that much money, and power I think it will make you a little goofy. Was he a pediophile? I don’t know for sure so I won’t condemn a man who was never proven guilty.  I’ll give him a Rest in Peace, and move on.

I took the Microsoft Test Yesterday, All I got to say is epic fail on my part.  I took Windows Server 2008:Active Directory, Configuring test 70-640. Which means it’s mostly background server stuff, it isn’t the day to day operations of things. Well in the past a MS test was like 45-60 questions, multiple choice, pretty easy.

What they gave me was nothing of the sort. They gave me a prototype test they just started. 2 Lab tests, and then 30 questions. The Labs were an hour each with a laundry list things to do. I did most of them, and I don’t think I did that bad, but I knew I forgot something. Also they had 30 questions. Now my biggest weakness is Certificates, which is about 15% of what I need to know on this test, 11 of the 30 questions guess what it was on, yep that’s right Certificates. 

Really no one to blame for failing but me, I was underprepared. I tried to get the test in by the end of the June because it was free. Not making excuses, just letting others know that might be taking these tests that never took them. This is the wave of the future, these lab tests. Which I think is a good thing, tests your knowledge better. This test though is so new, they can’t even tell me where I screwed up, or even if I truly indeed failed. They are going to review it, and let me know if they reverse the score.

For now I may have failed, but it was a complete loss. I learned what the test was about. I will be more prepared next time. It’s not really something I HAVE to do, I just want to do it. It looks great on the resume, but I have so many years experience doing this it’s sick. I’ll head back into the breach mid August. July there are too many distractions that will be happening.

My Dad cracked me up yesterday he goes, “Hmm maybe I don’t want you fixing my computer, since you didn’t pass.” I replied, ” Well if I ever need to find the postalCode attribute to allow replication of it, I’ll pay for someone else to fix it.”


***Edit for Mike—


Something to lift up people’s spirits!

Posted in Uncategorized on June 26, 2009 by Mike

With the recent celebrity deaths in the news, its time we focus on the positive things we still have in this world.

There are so many things right about this picture.

There are so many things right about this picture.

Little Man’s Disease.

Posted in General Life with tags on June 24, 2009 by theerivs

I remember when I was a bouncer, the big guys rarely gave me any problems. It was the little guys that caused me most of my grief. Either they thought maybe they had something to prove, or they were just generally bigger assholes. I don’t know which.

One time I was in one of those wild west bar brawls, and a little guy grabbed my throat. It took a second to register what he was trying to do because I’m 6’5″ , probably pushing 400lbs or more. This guy was 5 foot, maybe 120lbs, or so.  So he grabs my throat, and like I said for a second just looked at him, then started laughing, and said, “What the hell do you think your doing?” His hands were around my throat, but he wasn’t doing anything, not even a loss of breath. He just looked at me with this look of horror. I punched him so hard, he went down and out.

Why am I telling you this.  North Korea said they wanted to wipe us off the map. I think they got a serious case of Little Man’s Disease.

Woody Allen said “Eighty percent of success is showing up”

Posted in General Life with tags on June 23, 2009 by theerivs

It’s the other 20 percent, I’m freaking out about.

When it comes to computers, I am no slouch. I realize, I don’t know everything, but I pick things up quickly, sometimes intuitively because I am very logical, and understand the underlying things that make computers tick.  I call myself a computer idiot savant, cause I know how to fix things sometimes, and I know not how I know.  Computers, and my job are a short list of what I take seriously in life. When I use to work FTD, I use to travel all over America.  I use to just go to the job, and the hotel thats it. I had to make it a point to do something fun, because I am all about the job. I hate doing side jobs, because I take so much pride in my work, failure is not an option. Things go wrong I take it personally.  At my current job, last year I had zero sick days, none. Computers to me is not just what I do, it’s who I am. My work defines me.

As I study for an upcoming Microsoft Test, it is undermining my confidence. The concepts, and things brought forward in these tests are stuff I rarely see in the day to day operations.  Some of the concepts like DNS stub zones, bridgehead servers, and alot of the certificate stuff is really throwing me for a loop.

I pushed it back once, cause I’m not that confident, I had to push it back one more day, because of work issues. That’s it though I can’t push it back anymore. I have to take this test Thursday, and if I pass it will be a minor miracle, no scratch that a major miracle. So much so I am thinking of just canceling it. Though it is a free test, and I hate to waste it. I got a free voucher from my school.

In reality, If I don’t pass, I would of just wasted my time, and a little money.  Though in my head, if I fail, it’s a blow to my ego. It tells me maybe I am not that good. It would sting alot.

Well first thing is first, I need to show up at the test. I’ll worry about the other 20 percent when I get there.

Monday Hangover

Posted in General Life with tags on June 22, 2009 by theerivs

Hello True Believers, River here with another tale of self deprecation, and debauchery. 

Friday I actually stayed in, studied for a Microsoft test coming up, relaxed played some video games, and watched some movies.  No not porn…..ok a little porn.

Saturday did my duty as a son, and went to my Mom’s. Stopped at a Starbucks beforehand, I needed some caffeine badly, and a friend hooked me up with some scones (which I love), and a large iced coffee. Which really was something, but she offered to deliver stuff to my mom, which touched me. She’s a good person, I hope the universe gives her only goodness. The great thing is she’s going out with my friend who is also a good person, which makes me even happier. So many nice girls I know, just go out with douchebags, which breaks my heart.  Well their both good people. I made sure to buy her a little booze later that evening as we were going to the same party.

The party I went to was my friend’s parents 30th Anniversery party. It was a great time, all you can drink beer. The food was good, plus there was cake, which next to pie is one of my favorite things.  End of the night though, the wander lust struck me at around midnight. I said some goodbyes, I might of missed some people. Jackass drove down there, so I didn’t want to disturb him.  I just started walking to the main strip. As I was walking I ran into a couple local girls outside a bar on the way,  that I have known for a long time. It’s always nice to run into them. One of them is a pretty good cook, well you know the old adage the quickest way to a guy’s heart is through his stomach.

Jackass appeared at the other bar, then we proceeded to the other bars. Some little highlights I remember. I had beads on and girls asked me how I got them, I told them, ” I had to flash my titties”  They seemed to get a kick out of that. I also remember hitting on several girls, especially one at Durbins, who I just think she hates me to death, but I still hit on her to aggravate.

It was a good time, I passed out at Jackasses, but had to rise bright and early for Fathers Day. I had about 2 hours sleep, and had to meet my dad for breakfast, and I had to pick up my Grandfather, and Grandmother. So I drank one of those 5 hour energy shots, downed a couple Red Bulls, and went on my way. I love my Grandmother, She’s this 88 year old, old school Italian 5 foot. nothing lady, telling my Dad a 64 year old big mofo his shirt looks horrible, and him going, “Mom quit picking on me.”  Worth every second of lost sleep. I paid the bill, and gave my father, and grandfather their gifts. It was good, it marks kinda that I am getting older, and they let me pick up the tab.  I then went over to my Stepdad’s and Mom. I give my Stepdad a little some every year. He’s a good man, he’s helped me numerous ways, is my accountant, but most of all he takes care of my Mom. That alone deserves not only my respect, but my gratitude.

After which I went home, #1 called me to go out, and I wanted to, but I had to get some studying in, and I was way too tired. So I gave the usual I don’t roll on shabbos excuse.

Honor Thy Father

Posted in Art of Man with tags on June 19, 2009 by theerivs

There is no other man who shaped my life more then this man, and no other man I love more in this world. My Dad has always been a larger then life character.  One of my earliest memories of him was one day it was started to rain real bad, I was scared to death of thunder. He forgot to roll up the car window, he went outside in his underwear. That made me laugh, and in my young mind I thought this guy is so not afraid of the storm, he just went out in his underwear. What is there for me to be afraid of?

When I was a boy, he would wake me up with this song by Louis Prima, “Grab your coat, and grab your hat, point your feet to the sunny side of the street.”  He never missed any of my football games, events, he was always there when I needed him, back then and now.  My life is filled with just fond memories of me and him. Watching the Bears together, or him dropping my Mom off at Olympic Star for work, he would get us Ice Cream Sandwiches, and we would watch Kolchak the Night Stalker together. When my Dad was a Cook County Sherriff, I remember he cuffed me and took my mug shot. The list can go on for a long time.

One of the guys I know from High School still buys me a beer everytime he sees me because my Dad has this corny thing he told him to do, and that’s what my friend associates getting his wife with. I won’t say what the corny thing was, cause I might use it someday as well.  The point I’m making is my friends loved my Dad as well. My Dad was unafraid of anything, he would treat everyone the same, black, white, mexican didn’t matter. Sure my Dad had his faults, but ya know what who doesn’t.

As much as I loved my Dad, there was always a little bit of fear there too, he did not spare the rod. It probably kept me out of alot of trouble that fear. The Deans of my High School loved calling him, because they loved to just talk to him, and the Deans knew I would get my just desserts.  I remember the Dean said to me, “I’m not giving you a detention, cause I know your Dad is going to punish you enough when you get home.”  Hell one time my Dad hit me in the Dean office, back handed me right there in front of them, but I deserved it. I ditched school. I never recieved a beaten I didn’t deserve. Although he was a huge supporter of tough love,  the big guy was softer then shit when it came down to it.

Now that I’m getting older the superhero is fading into old Age. At first it made me sad, but then I thought of it as a chance to pay back the man who has always been there for me, and loved me.

If my destiny is to be a father one day, I hope that I am half the father mine was.

My heart goes out to those who lost their father, or maybe never knew their father. To those who are a father, and doing the right thing, providing, and nurturing your family, enjoy your day….you deserve it.  Have a Happy Fathers Day.

I am a whore.

Posted in General Life, River with tags on June 18, 2009 by theerivs

Lets get something on the table. I am a whore, and no not the sexual kind, well no one actually offered money for sex, but really I am a guy. Unless I’m sporting a 12 inch member or look like Brad Pitt, no ones gonna pay me for sex, but I digress cause it’s not the sexual realm I’m dealing with right now. Though my whoreness can easily translate to that realm.

Someone called me an attention whore, yes among other things I am that. The why, and my motives I will get to in a second. First I will review some of the things I’ve done in the past for money, or just the sake to get some attention.

– I once ate 3 large “El Famous” which for those not familar with are pretty big burritos unde r 10 minutes for 100 dollars.

– I drank a fifth of Early Times Whiskey in one chug, sorta like John Belushi did in Animal House for 50 dollars.

– I at two 2lb Burgers with all the fixings, trimmings, and fries under 15 minutes, just for my picture on the Wall.

– I drank a bottle of tabasco for 25 bucks.

Not just for money do I play the fool, When I’m drunk I do stupid shit like put a cape on like batman, I dance like an idiot, I get in a cage act like a dog. So on and so forth. I once scammed the system to get food stamps, I use to be real ignorant with those, I’m talking porterhouse steaks every night. I use to get money for collecting peoples debts for them. All kinds of stuff I did. I sold myself really cheap, I was a true mercenary in every sense of the word, bottomline a whore.

Why do I do these things?

Ok the whore part, I’ll do anything for money is one thing. I like money. That’s why I had a gambling problem. Thats why I did those stupid things in the past, I probably turned around and blew that 100 bucks on a spin of the dice. These days I don’t really need the money, and I have some principals now…not many mind you, but some. I just still want money, now I’m not a miser or will kill for money. I just don’t see the harm in downing a bottle of tabasco for some money.  You have coupons, I do stupid shit for cash.  

Also I am an attention whore. I like making people laugh. I also get off on being remembered for something. Troy pretty much sucked as a movie, but one part I remembered. When Achilles was going into a battle, a little boy says to him, “I would be afraid.” Then Achilles goes, “Thats why no one will remember your name”  Now mind you I don’t equate drinking a bottle of tabasco to fighting at the gates of Troy, but it’s kind of cool when a guy or girl comes up to me and goes, holy crap your that guy that did this, or that.  Maybe I see it as my form of immortality in some warped sense.

Do I ever feel bad for being the whore, or playing the part of the fool. Nope not once. I have no shame in my game.

The Nooner : 6 girls and me.

Posted in Art of Man with tags , on June 17, 2009 by theerivs

So being Mr. Nonthreatening, Cuddly, They probably think I’m gay Guy that I am. Sometime I get to sneak behind enemy lines so to speak. They think I am bored or disinterested, or maybe I have no clue what they are talking about.

Secretly I am analyzing them , watching them, listening to how, and what they talk about. Why? To help my fellow man.  I imagine not all guys get to be surrounded by beautiful women all the time, and have them think this guy is ok to share more intimate side of themselves, a side a few guys see.

Here’s what I learned, when women get in groups, and I am but a fly on the wall.

– Just as dirty as we are when they are by themselves. From fake dicks, to talking about leaving tampons in weird locales. So the next time a girl gets offended because you Mr. Tough guy say something a little naughty. Tell them to go get bent.

-How we crack about our ball and chain, they do the same thing when they are alone with each other. How their guys do this or that. She probably even told her friends how your skills lack going downstairs.

– They joke around, and kid with each other alot like guys do, but the topics are different, they might talk about how one girls bra looks, and we talk about how a dude swings his bat a little bit too effeminate. Tip: Find the man in the boat, he is your friend.

– God they love a bargain, mention 20% off they start drooling like I do over a Hustler.

– Girls love to share on their food, it reminds me like a bunch of lionesses over a zebra carcass. They all take a bit from the leg, and the ribs just for a test.

– Last but not least don’t let them fool you, they know what their doing. They plan, and scheme by themselves, or with each other. If you suddenly find yourself at an “event” wearing a sweater you find itchy and hideous, but they think it’s cute. You know they hatched that plan 3 months ago to get rid of your sleeveless Metallica shirt with the mustard stain from Willy Dogs. Man come to think of it since you been dating her when was the last time you went to Willy’s Dogs, between the Tofu Vegetarian places she got you running to now.

 Bottomline I think, the men and women have more in common then they think, it’s just our methods our different. The way we go about things are slightly different. Men are more direct, women more subtle. I think the goals are the same though…we all want to fuck like rabbits.

Just a side note, pretty girls know their pretty they get guys hitting on them all the time. Two types of pretty girl, the genuine one that if you treat them like a normal person, then they will treat you like one, or the spoiled ones, who think because they are pretty they are entitled to something, avoid them.