Lone Wolf

Sometimes I wonder if I’ve been a Lone Wolf too long. If I am incapable of having a real relationship that will last any decent length of time, or at least over a year. Which is about the longest I ever had a girlfriend.  It’s funny my only fears in life are all based about something someone shouldn’t fear and that’s love.  I can face death down without batting an eye, but when it comes to love.  Lets take a look at some of my issues.

1. Fear of Committment – It’s not so much the fear of commttment, it’s the fear of failure. I don’t want to fail another person in some way. If I don’t try, then I can’t fail.

2. Fear of Losing Control – I have been master of my fate for so long, when your in a relationship you lose some of that control, through compromise.

3. Fear of Betrayal- Trust Issues, yeah I got them. After years of being in the criminal element I have become hardened to letting my guard down.

4. Fear of Intimacy – Intimacy means emotions. Emotions to me are weakness. I abhor weakness in myself, even though I am weak of will at times, I beat myself up alot over it.

5. Fear of being Happy – Part of me believes that only when things are chaotic, bad, shitty do I feel the most alive. I think subconciously, when I am happy I get bored, and self destruct myself. Sick I know.

 Sometimes I think I’m so fucked up in the head, who the hell would even want to be with me.

My Hatred for Clowns

I’m not afraid of circus clowns, like some people, I’m not even creeped out by them. I just hate them with a passion. How can I hate such lovable charactors,  I’ll tell you why…

Back when I was a 6 year old boy, my family went to Florida. At the time they had a theme park called Circus World, it was a nickel and dime operation. Saying it was a shit hole would be speaking way to highly of it.

There was a spot where Cruel Parents could get their kid’s faces painted just like a clown. My Mother thought it would be cute that I got my face painted like a clown. I didn’t want to do it, the reason is lost to me with age, but I remember I just didn’t want to do it. Now with most rational people that would of been that. Nope, It’s Mom’s way or the highway. Having my suck ass brother volunteering to be the clown didn’t help either.

So amongst the tears of being beat, and humiliation I got my face painted, now I remember this repressed bit of my history vaguely. I remember sitting there, clown painting my face, and the clown saying, “What’s wrong, such a sad boy, I’ll paint a happy face on you”  My thought there at 6 years old was to wipe out him, and kill every clown in the room.

Now for years my family tortured me with a picture of me, with my face painted. Thank god that picture is lost in obscurity. Now you know why I hate fucking clowns.

Monday Hangover

Friday – I went out for a bit after work. I stayed longer then I wanted to. Jackass got all fucked up, he was probably nervous about starting to bounce. There was also a little drama, it happens no big deal.

Saturday started with Me, Tallegdega, Torino, and German at the Chicago Blu, I was hammering Root Beer Floats pretty good.  Then I went to a friends party, it was a family party mostly  but it was cool, I do all their computer work. After that I stopped at Tallegdega’s, and the Ginny was tagging along with me. We were having a good time, but I wanted to hit the bars, and bother Jackass. I use to bounce, and I use to watch Jackass’s back alot, though he didn’t need it I still did, and I had to stop him doing the crazier shit. Now that he’s bouncing, there’s a little payback there. So I drank two plastic shots of Jager Bombs, and smashed them in front of him, told him “Now What?”.

I want to also say a word here, there’s a couple of people in my life right now (a girl, and a guy) who are feeling unrequited love (that’s love you feel for someone that isn’t returned) It’s rough, I know it, I been there. It’s no excuse though to act like a love struck puppy, or act like an ass.  There are times in my life most recently in fact, where I get the middle finger by someone who I thought loved me, and I loved them.. It doesn’t fuck up my plans, I’m going to live the best life I can, and if that person doesn’t want to be a part of it….fuck’em. I’ll find someone who will, or no one at all. 

Living well is the best revenge, and man I live pretty fucking well. I guess we all can 

After the bars, we hit Tallegdega’s place again and it was fun, until someone broke some shit, and it got out of hand. When Tallegdega got pissed, and I had to get up early I thought it best to make my escape.  

But it didn’t do me any good, I still lacked sleep the next morning, Me and the Ginny stayed up and chatted until the sun came up, like the good ole days. I like the art of conversation, believe it or not when I was younger I was shitty at it. That’s a story unto itself.

Sunday – I visited my Stepdad in the Hospital, and took my Grandpa out to lunch, tried a new Restaurant Round the Clock, it was surprisingly good. We’ll see if it lasts. Later that night saw a movie, “Our Idiot Brother” Meh it was ok, then hit the bars for a couple. I was in by 1am

Overall a good weekend.

Photo Friday

She is out of my league fo sho

 

My Demons

We all have our demons, and problems in life. I am no different. There was a time all I wanted was to be normal, have a normal life, have the nice wife, and the 2.5 cars, and part of me still wants that. I’m sometimes afraid that I have been a lone wolf too long,  or that if a girl did love me, like a monster with such a fragile thing I would crush it.

I fight my demons on a daily basis whether it’s my health, and I wake up in so much pain that I eat Ibuprofens like M&M’s, it’s my gambling addiction where I would tempt fate itself and place everything I own on the flip of a card, or it’s my drinking where I just want to quiet the pain, and cacophony that assualts my head with thoughts.

Why am I telling you this? I think my Demons are winning. I lie to myself and say I that I’m fine, but in the dark of the night I know the truth. I don’t know why I’m slipping further down the abyss, living with my mother has taken a toll on me, and I no longer can deal with her madness, I don’t know if it’s that I’m facing down the gun of 39, an age that I never thought I would reach, perhaps it’s work, the fact that it’s been a hellhole lately, then again maybe it’s the love situation that girls that I thought loved me, and I loved back was nothing more than another illusion easily shattered.  

I find myself creeping to the boat by myself to find some sort of solace in an activity that would lead me to destruction. I know it’s only temprorary relief, and that the little high I get from laying my money on the line, and when I do win, I’m looking for the next hit of the winning high.

I have great friends, some of them would do anything for me. This is my curse, my burden and I will shoulder it alone. It’s just once in awhile it gets a little too much for even me, and I need to vent. Perhaps when the condo thing is settled I will rest easier, but then again I have a bad feeling about it. As the days edge closer to my birthday, I will go a little more insane because I look back on my life and I see a life wasted, hopefully I won’t slipp off the edge, and descend into complete madness.

Yea me and my demons have been fighting a long time, and sometimes I just want to give up and let the drag me to hell. I grow weary sometimes, tired and weak of the soul.   There’s a part of me though that refuses to give up, and to lay my weary head down. I love life, and I love to laugh, and I find great beauty in this world. Sure they may win a battle or two, but I refuse to let them win the war. My demons may end up dragging me to Hell, but I will not go easily.  This is why I did not pull that trigger so many years ago to end my life, it’s a nugget of strength I hold on to, a little fire inside of me that refuses to go out. A fire that yearns for more out of life, seeks more, delves into the mysteries of life.  It’s that first kiss, that fresh fallen snow, that bolt of lightening, that wind rustling in the tree on a moonlit night.

No my life isn’t easy, but the worst day above ground, sure beats the best day below ground.  I have to go now, I have a war to win.

Ideal Woman

I’m an idealist, so that means that there are certain ideals I adhere to. I have a firm believe what is right, and wrong. The shades of grey are minimal to me. Now do I do right all the time? Well no I have my own agenda, but I know when I am doing wrong, and won’t rationalize it, but I digress. We are here to talk about what I think is the ideal woman for me.  To me physical beauty is fleeting, I want someone to grow old with, and you know what we all look like dried up raisins when were old. Though I like a pretty girl, beauty is in the eye of the beholder, I have dated women before that weren’t classically beautiful, but had other enduring qualities. Here’s some of the qualities I like in a girl.

1. Eyes – She has to have pretty eyes. Eyes are the windows to the soul, and that’s what I’m interested in…a girl’s soul.

2. Teamplayer – A relationship I believe is a team, and a girl must learn to take one for the team, as I myself am willing to. I would work 8 jobs if I had to, to make a better life for me…and my kids if that came about.

3. Tough – A girl who can look life’s challenges in the eyes, and say fuck you.  One that is willing to fight for me, and lend me strength if I ever falter, or lose my way.

4. Respect – Men crave respect, women crave love, and I will move mountains and earth maybe even a couch or two for the girl who respects me, and my life.

5. Honesty – Be honest with me, I will tell you the truth in all things, but also be careful of what you ask, you might not like the truth.

6. Adventourus– I like a girl with a sense of adventure, to do new things, and try new things. Not talking in the bedroom you sick fucks, in general. I would love a girl who would say to me, “Hey they got this thing going on, want to try it out”, or “I heard of this new restaurant, wanna try it”

7. Girlie – I like a girl that paints her nails, and dresses up from time to time. A girl who cries at sad movies, and want’s to be held. I fucking love to cuddle.

8. Not Easily Offended – A girl that isn’t overly sensitive, especially when I’m with one of the guys. Also I tend to poke fun at people I love, it’s how I was raised, so if you got a thick skin awesome.

9. Challenges Me – A girl that will look at me and tell me to shut the fuck up, cause I’ve gone to far. A girl that knows when to call me to heel when I get overly aggressive. I’m not saying being bossy, but someone that when they think I need to be reined in a little, does so. Someone who doesn’t let me walk all over her.  Once this girl I was seeing, called me out on my bullshit. I was totally fake nice to this person, the person leaves, then the girl looks at me, “You totally hate that person”  I just laughed, and thought that was pretty hot.

10. Likes What I Like – I’m a guy who likes alot of different shit, so this isn’t hard at all. I can have fun at an insurance seminar, but if she can’t stand watching the Godfather, Goodfellas, or Star Wars again with me, then this relationship ain’t going too far.

Oh yea and a nice ass….just saying.

Monday Hangover

It was all about taking things old school this weekend.

First of all my Cuz, White Chocolate, or WC was out, with the Ginny, and The Wolf on Friday.  I think WC was a little drunk when we picked him up, cause he was in rare form. He ran out in his underwear told us he’ll be right down, and ran back in the house.  We went to Fat Sams first, cause there was a girls birthday party there, and I gave my word I would show up, and when I give my word I keep it. So we went there for one drink, and it was pretty lame, but I bought the bday girl a shot, and we jetted to hit the Tinley Park Area. Started off at Teehans, WC put like 20 bucks in the jukebox, and played all his songs right away which costs like double. After pounding a few we went to Holstiens where we met up with an out of control Jackass. Then we ended up at Durbins, where WC let Angry Guy come out. My cousin when he has a little too much sometimes gets offended a tosh by little things…like people staring at him. Then he becomes angry, I try to calm him down, but deep down part of me hopes someone fucks with him, I would end that mofo.  In the end WC pooped out, I guess it sucks getting old.

On Saturday, I got together with a bunch of old high school buddies, which was nice we all haven’t been in the same room together in a long…long time, even my buddy who just retired from the army. We drank too much, smoked cigars, played cards, ripped into each other, just like old times. It was so great to see these guys, before The River there was just Cavelle.  Even though I miss these guys, they have their own lives, and I have mine…probably won’t see them in quite some time again.  Though my past isn’t anything to write home about, and I didn’t have much in my life. We still had some good times, like I said in a Facebook post of mine, “It’s not about how you spend your money, it’s how you spend your life”

The married old guys all got drunk, so I hit the bars, and JWH was just a shit show everyone was drunk. RJ was screaming “Lick my Clit”, several girls were passed out at the bar. Commando licked me. I sure hope she didn’t blow Torino recently. Jackass was dancing, and out of control. After everything closed, The Tinley Sasquatch (a hairy friend of ours) and me went to Jackass’s, we knocked off a bottle of Black Haus between the three of us, but to my credit I left right before the bottle was done, like there was at least a shot left in there.

Sunday went over Torino’s and Commando’s. Commando was having a Mary Kay party, cause OCD works for Mary Kay. I made sure I gave to the cause, My friends are always so giving to me, generousity is easy with this group.  

Over all  great weekend, a mix of old friends, and new.  Some new memories made, and some old memories remembered.

Monday Hangover

As I write this I’m running on only a couple hours sleep. Stoopid Red Bull. The problem with me is I drink so much sometimes I really can’t recall what happened but I will try.  

Friday, I worked late but I caught up to Jackass, and German at the JW Hollstiens,  and hit it hard myself.  I remember just drinking Black Haus shot after Black Haus shot. I remember being a dancing fool, and see a couple of bartenders who work up Durbins, and Teehans at JWH.   We took a group of guys and did Large Irish Car Bombs at Teehans. Then as the night wore on we made our way to Durbins. Then at one point of the night it was just Jackass and Me sitting on a Park Bench drinking. I think he said between the two of us we finished a bottle of Capt. Morgans. We then had a bright idea of ding dong ditching Frumpy. So me being the courageous one, rang her bell. All of a sudden like a bat out of hell, I hear someone running down the stairs. I try to hide but no avail. She goes, “What the hell are you guys doing?”  I go, “You got a beer?”  She sighs and let us in.  Jackass then left, and Frumpy and I decided to hit the Olympic Star. We look in Frumpy’s parking lot. Tallegdega is passed out in his truck. We try to wake him to no avail. The German is up, so I scoop him up, and we get a nice breakfast.

Saturday was our friend Torino, and Commandos Annual Titties and Beer party which happens to fall on Jackass’s Birthday. I hit it hard there too. I just remember eating some awesome grub. Jackass ramming his head in the frosting, trying to hug everyone with frosting. A friends hairy chest which will haunt me, and just girls passed out piled in a room in the back like a coat room.  By the end though I sobered up a bit, and everyone else was either gone or passed out. So I decided to go, I hit Kickoffs, and Olympic Star. Then called it a night.

Sunday – I got a bug up my ass and wanted to drink some more. So Iwent to JWH, started drinking with some girls I know, and a fellow regular guy. A dance party broke out amongst the girls at JWH, and it was just a fun time. I did way to many Bacardi O and Redbulls.Ended up getting no sleep…at all.

I wish I could fill you in more…but my brain is way to taxed right now.

The Next Challenge

I try to step up goals, and have some sort of direction in my life.

I got a newer car, I am hopefully getting a new place to live, if the condo deal falls through, I’m just going to get an apartment.

There are three things left on my agenda in life.

1. I need to lose weight, and become more healthy. 

    The Goal: Lose 100 pounds by my 40th birthday.    

    A. Diet – I got to cut back..period.

    B. Exercise – I need to lift more, muscle burns fat and calories, I need more of it.

   Obstacles – 

   Will – I have none, I will need to find the inspiration to overcome.

   Booze – I love  it, alot. I need to cut back, perhaps one night a week.

  Sweets – I have a notorious sweet tooth, got to put an end to that.

2. I want a steady girlfriend, and relationship.

     The Goal: To find a girl that loves me, and wants to be with me.

     A. Have to figure out what I want in a girl.

     B. Make an effort once I have a girl, to keep her.

Obstacles:

Stubborness – I like things my way, or it’s the highway. I need to learn to compromise more.

Fate – Up to now, the girls I loved didn’t love me back.

Judgemental- I am hyper critical of myself, sometimes that extends to others.

3. I want to write a book.

 The Goal: To be published by the end of the year.

    A. Either a book set in the Warhammer Universe.

    B. A book in the Scifi/Fantasy/Horror Genre.

   C. A poetry book.

Obstacles –

1. Laziness – Sometimes I get lazy, I need to beat it.

2. Real World Issues – I get bombarded by real life, I need to delegate more, and try to dodge some of the shit storms.

3. Money – If I am going to self publish I will need it.

 

That’s really my goals for the upcoming year, I wanted a place to have them written down, so I can remind myself whatI am working for.

Top 5 Mythological Creatures That I Like

I posted a short list on Facebook, I thought I would expand the idea a bit, and these are in order.  I’ll give you an example too.

5. Vampires – Not the sparkly fem boi vampire, the gritty creeping out of a coffin with red eyes, and fangs dripping gore type of vampire. The thing I like most about Vampires, they are like the Jedi’s of the monster world, controlling minds, and doing amazing stuff like that. I think Lost Boys was one of the better Vampire movies I seen in a long time.  

4. Orcs/Goblins – A race of ugly brutes, that just act like mother fuckers. I love evil mofoes and these guys are pretty bad ass.  Best example is in the Lord of the Rings, where they all kill each other in I think it was Cirith Ungol. Another good example is Blix from the Movie Legend.

3. Dragons – I think the first time I saw a dragon come to life was in the cartoon version of the Hobbit. When he is bragging about himself, it was just how I imagined a dragon to act. I loved the Dragons in the role playing game Dungeons and Dragons, and the stories of Dragonlance. There was even an awesome Dragonlance Dragon Combat Simulater on the Commodore 64 which was purely awesome. I can’t wait for the new Hobbit movie, and how Smaug will act, look, and sound like.  When he says, “I AM SMAUG!”  I think I’ll creme in my jeans.

2. Werewolves – The idea of a beast trapped inside of a man, and when the beast comes out bad things happen. Sort of the story of my life, and I was always interested in stories of transforming into a beast. Really 2 movies come to mind here. American Werewolf in London, and the Howling, two awesome Werewolf films. Beware the Full Moon!

1. A Beautiful Girl, That Cooks, and Cleans – I think I would find a Unicorn before one of these. I think Stepford Wives came closest to the male ideal of this.

Speaking of Unicorns, I hate those douchebags of the Fantasy world, all pure, and innocent and shit.